That voice inside of you tells you that you messed up and you need to fix things – and fix it now. So you text or send your ex an email:
- Are we OK? (I’m not okay)
- Is everything alright? (I think I upset you/pushed you away)
- I am sorry (I don’t want to lose you)
- Why aren’t you responding? (I’m scared I’ve lost you)
- Why are you doing this to me (What am I going to do without you?)
You do through all these range of (me, me, me) emotions, just because your ex didn’t respond, took longer than usual to respond, seems cold or distant.
It’s not that you are selfish- Self-ish. It’s that you make everything your ex feels or does about you. You don’t for one moment think, maybe something more urgent or important came up. Maybe they haven’t seen my text. Maybe they don’t think my text needs a response. Maybe they just don’t feel like responding.
In your pre0ccupied attachment style, your life spins around your ex, you must also be the center of their life (or at least should be). Because you are thinking about your ex ALL the time, they must also be thinking about you all the time (or at least they should be) and because not getting a respond from your ex makes you feel ignored, not responding to your ex must make them feel ignored too. So you respond to even texts that don’t need a response. You write essays in response to a question that required “yes or no” answer. You send multiple texts because you needed to ‘correct’ what you said or explain what you meant.
In your fearful attachment style, you hang on to every word your ex says, they must also be paying close attention to every word you say. Because you pay way too much attention to the timing of your exes responses, and how you feel depends on how quickly or slowly they respond, your ex must also be watching how soon you respond to their texts, and if you don’t respond in a timely manner, they punish you withholding their love (acting cold and distant) or by pulling away.
This has been your past experiences have been. You do something “wrong”, you get punished with withholding love and affection (acting cold and distant) or by pulling away
It’s not that you are selfish- Self-ish. It’s that when you have a preoccupied or fearful attachment style you always worry about being rejected or abandoned. Everything feels like rejection, feels personal. When everything feels personal, you act as if everything is about you because as far as you’re concerned, it’s about you.
If your ex is responsive, engaged, loving and caring, it’s because you are being a good. If they are cold, distant, ‘unloving’, ‘uncaring’ and unresponsive (giving you the silent treatment), it’s because you are being punished for something YOU did wrong.
Just think about that for a moment. Really, think about it. It all makes sense. Doesn’t it?
The question is: What are you going to do about it?
Are you going to keep making it feel like everything your ex or says is all about you? Are you going to let your ex keep thinking you are selfish when you are just someone who loves and cares deeply and genuinely, but (sadly) always manages to make it about you.