Your Ex Thinks You’re Selfish – Are You Really Selfish? (Pt 2)

That voice inside of you tells you that you messed up and you need to fix things – and fix it now. So you text or send your ex an email:

  • Are we OK? (I’m not okay)
  • Is everything alright? (I think I upset you/pushed you away)
  • I am sorry (I don’t want to lose you)
  • Why aren’t you responding? (I’m scared I’ve lost you)
  • Why are you doing this to me (What am I going to do without you?)

You do through all these range of (me, me, me) emotions, just because your ex didn’t respond, took longer than usual to respond, seems cold or distant.

It’s not that you are selfish- SELF-ish…

It’s that you make everything your ex feels or does about you. You don’t for one moment think, maybe something more urgent or important came up. Maybe they haven’t seen my text. Maybe they don’t think my text needs a response. Maybe they just don’t feel like responding.

In your pre-occupied attachment thinking…

Your ex is the center of your world, you must also be the center of their life (or at least should be). Because you are thinking about your ex ALL the time, they must also be thinking about you all the time (or at least they should be) and because not getting a respond from your ex makes you feel ignored, not responding to your ex must make them feel ignored too. So you respond to even texts that don’t need a response. You write essays in response to a question that required “yes or no” answer. You send multiple texts because you needed to ‘correct’ what you said or explain what you meant.

In your fearful (anxious or avoidant) thinking…

Every thing you say or do means something to your ex, therefore every word your ex says and every move they make means something. You must therefore pay close attention to every word and every action including the timing of your exes responses because how they about you depends on how quickly or slowly they respond. And your ex is watching how quickly you respond to their texts too. If you don’t respond in a timely manner, they will punish you by acting cold and distant or by pulling away. How do you know that? Because this is how you would act if someone acted cold and distant towards you, or pulled away.

This has been your past experiences have been. You do something “wrong”, you get punished with withholding love and affection (acting cold and distant) or by pulling away

It’s not that you are selfish- SELF-ish…

It’s that when you have a preoccupied or fearful attachment style you always worry about being rejected or abandoned. Everything feels like rejection, feels personal. When everything feels personal, you act as if everything is personal (about you) because as far as you’re concerned, it’s about you.

If your ex is responsive, engaged, loving and caring, it’s because you are being a good. If they are cold, distant, ‘unloving’, ‘uncaring’ and  unresponsive (giving you the silent treatment), it’s because you are being punished for something YOU did wrong.

Just think about that for a moment. Really, think about it. It all makes sense. Doesn’t it?

The question is: What are you going to do about it?

Are you going to keep making it feel like everything your ex or says is all about you? Are you going to let your ex keep thinking you are selfish when you are just someone who loves and cares deeply and genuinely, but (sadly) always somehow manages to make it all about you.

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