It has been months and your ex still hasn’t reached out. You followed the no contact rule and did not reach out to your ex; but your ex still contacted you. Why didn’t no contact work?
The ‘no contact’ experts tell you, this is exactly how to make your ex contact you. Then this is what your ex is thinking if they don’t contact you. Then this is why your ex hasn’t contact you.
All the advice out there tells you… do no contact, don’t initiate contact, act indifferent, let your ex pursue you etc., and you’ve done all that. But here you are, stuck and confused.
It’s very, very simple. Really.
When you spend all your time and energy doing things to AVOID contact with your ex, you get exactly what you should be getting. NOTHING.
You get nothing because you are not doing what you need to do to get back your ex. You are doing everything right to self-preserve, and to avoid rejection or hurt, but you are not doing anything to get your ex back.
It’s like someone saying I want to become a surgeon, but I will not apply to any colleges because I might get rejected. I will not study because I might fail. And I will not tell anyone of my dreams because they might laugh at me. I will just sit here in my room because here I will not get rejected, I will not fail or be laughed at. Then wondering why their dreams of becoming a surgeon aren’t coming true.
Simply put, avoiding any appearances of being needy and clingy may make you appear “normal” (and feel safe in your little world), but that’s all it does. Make you appear less emotionally aggressive (which is what caused your ex to run away in the first place).
Is your ex now going to take you back because you went from being emotionally aggressive to emotionally timid?
I don’t think so. It’s not just my opinion. If you are feeling as stuck and confused as my clients asking, “I wasn’t needy or clingy. Why hasn’t my ex contacted me?”, you know I’m right.
Going from being emotionally aggressive to emotionally timid doesn’t make you emotionally attractive.
Emotional attractiveness is about emotional confidence and emotional assertiveness.
It is about action. Not just any action but action that creates closeness without making your ex feel that you need more of attention, time and space — than they’re able to give you, or want to give you .
It’s is about knowing:
- When to act and what to act on.
- How to communicate your feelings without pushing someone away.
- What to ask for, when to ask and how to ask in a way that increases your chances of getting it.
- How hard to go after what you want, and when to wait for the right time to take the next action.
So if your ex still hasn’t reached out, you might want to rethink your strategy. You may want to try being less emotionally timid and more emotionally assertive; and more proactive.
I know. So different from all the advice out there telling you don’t act: Do no contact, don’t initiate contact, act indifferent, ignore your ex etc., all the things that make it easy for your ex to move on — with someone else who is taking action to make them feel attractive, wanted, valued, supported and loved.
7 Reasons Why Fearful Avoidants Do No Contact
This totally makes sense. I’m beginning to honestly believe that in the end, a relationship will withstand anything that comes it’s way if two people are connected and honest about their feelings for each other.
I wish many people realized that there is no connected-ness if there is no honesty. In most cases what we think is “connection” is just shared interests and sometimes sexual chemistry. Both very different from connection which requires, honesty and vulnerability.
I just found this site and glad I did. This is such a loving and positive site with good advice unlike many other sites that are negative towards people who want their ex back. I feel hopeful again. I just reached out to her after 3 weeks of no contact, let’s hope she responds. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and advice.
Thank you for your kind words, it’s humbling… 🙂
I hope she responds too. If this is the woman you love, don’t outsource your decision making to someone else. It’s your heart, your relationship and your life. YOU make the decisions.
Yangki, I don’t understand how people can be so childish. It’s as if they’re saying “You don’t love me anymore and I’m sulking in my corner!”. People need to grow up and start acting like it.
Mick, don’t underestimate the human capacity for unnecessary drama.
This is the most sensible thing I have read about no contact. I was one of the “lucky” few who actually got back with their ex after 3 months of no contact. It lasted only 3 weeks. One week after we got back together he started ignoring my texts, cancelling dates and even hanging up on me if I said anything he didn’t like. He made me feel like I was the reason the relationship wasn’t working. I finally told him I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. He screamed and yelled at me, accusing me of manipulating him and wasting his time.
I urge you all reading this to listen to Yangki. No contact is the wrong way to go if you want to build a strong relationship. I got that second chance with my ex and all I have to say is, you better watch what you wish for. It will NEVER be the same. You will regret it and feel even worse.
So then what IS the action to take that demonstrates emotional assertiveness to your ex? Rather than cutting him/her off completely and doing the “no contact” thing, how do you demonstrate to your ex that you are emotionally strong?
The answer to your question is in the last part of the article… ACT on what you need to, when you need to… Communicate your feelings in such away that you do not overwhelm the other person… Ask for what you want in a way that increases your chances of getting it… Go after what you want but know when to wait and let things happen on their own.
Please do not ask me, “How do I know when I should act, how do I communicate my feelings, how do I ask for what I want, how hard should I push…”
You can’t get the answer in one comment. This is what this whole website is about… answers to questions about how to go about getting your ex in an emotionally assertive and emotionally intelligent way. So spend more time reading as many articles as you can.