In order to emotionally connect and benefit from emotional connection, you must pay attention to how the other person FEELS.
Now, those of us who are all about me, me, me will read this and interpret it as “how my ex feels about ME”.
There is a difference between wanting to know how your ex feels about YOU and how your ex FEELS (at that moment).
Believe it or not your ex’s life goes on without you. They have things and people they care about and that if you do not care about (even if you are not one of those people), you won’t get to then caring about you.
This is a tall order for many people. Your ex breaks up with you (and hurts you), and now you have to care about things and people that they care about all to make them feel good?
Doesn’t that make you needy and desperate?
Here’s the thing. If you are needy and desperate, whatever you do will end up being needy and desperate.
Why? Because needy and desperate is not so much about what you say or do, but about the vibes you give out. “How you make others feel.”
You’ve probably heard someone say (or have said it yourself), “I just get this bad feeling about that woman“, or “He just gives me the creeps“.
Same thing with needy and desperate. We may not know why we feel the way we feel or be able to put into words the vibe we get from a needy person, but we know someone is needy and desperate we FEEL it.
That’s why you can sit perfectly still, do nothing and say nothing and still be seen as needy and desperate. The people around you, or the ex you are trying to connect with picks up the needy, desperate and pathetic vibe, and it doesn’t make them FEEL good.
It’s surprising just how many people don’t get this. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard men and women proudly declare, “I don’t initiate contact, I let my ex do all the initiating contact” or “I don’t ask my ex questions, they are the one always asking”, and they say it like it’s an accomplishment. Something to be proud of.
I am thinking… how do you think that makes your ex FEEL? How would you feel if someone did the very same thing to you?
In their way of thinking, they are not doing all the things they think make them needy, desperate and pathetic, and they are happy with how they are handling things. In fact, that’s what almost all the experts say they should do, and they are proud that they are acing it!
The only problem is that their ex is still not emotionally opening up or engaging… and they don’t understand why.
Clue: You are not stirring the emotions that motivate your ex to want to engage or act.
- It does not matter what you say or do, if your ex does not feel that you are connected to how they feel at that moment in time, you are NOT emotionally connecting.
- If every time you contact your ex or they contact you, you are talking about your own things and they are talking about their own things, you are NOT emotionally connecting.
- If your ex is over there feeling what they’re feeling and you are over here focused on how you feel (and your own agenda), you are NOT emotionally connecting.
Your ex may even go through the motions of initiating contact but that’s like walking past the hotel receptionist and saying “Good morning”. It’s what you are supposed to do. What you’ve done the last several days without much thought or feeling, and what you’ll probably do again until something or someone comes long that is emotionally moving enough to motivate you to consciously act.
When you start stirring emotions that make your ex feel that the two of you are emotionally connected, you will walk past the hotel reception and they will be like, “No good morning today? Is everything okay?”
If there is ever going to be emotional opening up and emotional engaging you must pay attention to your ex’s emotions and feelings.
What is emotionally connecting is different for everyone, and changes from moment-to-moment or day-to-day depending on what is going on in your ex’s life. This is one of the reasons I discourage ‘no contact”. It cuts you off from your ex’s life and from information on what is going on in their lives that could affect how they feel.
You reach out after 3 months with a text that “experts” advice you to send not knowing what your ex be going through that day or in their life. You wait and wait for a response and none comes. You conclude your ex does not want to talk to you, or your ex responds and they are cold and distant.
The reason for your ex not responding or sounding cold and distant could be as simple as you re-appearing from out-of-the-blue “happy and light-hearted” was disconnected from how your ex felt at the time. They did not respond or responded in a cold and distant way because they were not feeling “happy and light-hearted”.