Fixating on what went wrong in the old relationship is like trying to sew together an old rag. It’s only a matter of time before it comes apart again. Even if you’ve made some significant personal changes, it’s still like patching an old rag with new fabric.
In fact talking about the old relationship and the break-up before creating “a safe emotional environment” for such a conversation will likely bring up unpleasant memories from the past, and may keep you in the past longer than necessary.
You may even feel that you’re making progress because finally your side of the story is being heard or your ex is taking their share of the blame, and that’s great — if being heard and sharing the blame is all you want.
If on the other hand, creating a relationship is what you really want, you must leave the past behind and start being PRESENT – focused.
It’s only by being PRESENT — here now — that you are truly free to BE your Self.
It’s only by being PRESENT — here now — that you can appreciate the richness of the moment, and your role in it.
It’s only by being PRESENT — here now — that you can achieve the calm and peace of mind you need to move things forward.
How do you know you’re focusing your attention on the PRESENT?
You feel energized, relaxed and optimistic, even when the future is not so certain.
How do you know you are too much into the past or too far into the future?
You are constantly worried, anxious, afraid of making a mistake, feel drained, confused and empty-headed, as if you’re going around in circles — that’s because you are.
To increase the chances of getting back your ex, you must absolutely focus your attention on the PRESENT.
This is the tricky part. Many of us don’t know how to ‘be in the present moment’. After reading that the reason why things don’t seem to be getting anywhere with your ex is because you are focusing too much on the past, the natural step is to jump (mentally and emotionally) from the past to the future.
From trying to explain your side of the story, what should’ve happened, what you missed, how you should have “fixed” this or that… to trying to convince your ex that you now know what you should have done to make the relationship work, and as a result everything is going to be great (in the future).
Unfortunately, trying to convince your ex to come back by telling them all the things you realize (with hindsight) you did wrong will not convince them (and rightly so) to give the relationship another.
I tell my clients al the time “If all we needed to become better versions of ourselves is realize our mistakes”, we’d all be perfect beings.
Looking back on what we did wrong or could have done better is good, but it does not guarantee we have changed – or can change.
Assuming that just realizing the mistakes you made is enough to convince your ex to give the relationship another chance is another reason why any progress towards reconciliation stalls, and sadly, things come to a final end despite all your efforts to make it work.