You’ll Not Get Your Ex Back Until You Fix These 8 Things (Starting NOW)

Everyone who wants their ex back thinks that they should be able to get their ex back– and they should be. But not everyone gets their ex back.

One will say this is a “stupid” statement coming from someone who has written and is selling a “get your ex back” book, but it’s a fact that not everyone will get their ex back.

Sometimes a relationship is damaged beyond repair and nothing you do will change your ex’s mind. But most of the time — at least from my experience — many people don’t get their ex back because they jump into trying to get their ex back when they are not emotionally ready for what it takes to get one’s ex back.

I’ve said it elsewhere and will say it again, getting your ex back is no child’s play. It’s not something for the weak-hearted and certainly not something for the emotionally immature and emotionally ill prepared.

It takes a lot of personal work to get yourself into a place where you can even begin trying to get your ex back. The work needed to be ready to get one’s ex back depends on each individual and each relationship. However, there are some common signs that one is not remotely ready — and there fore shouldn’t even be trying to actively get their ex back.

1. You don’t think the break-up should have happened — and doing everything you can to “reverse” it or go back to how things used to be. This is a clear sign you have not ‘accepted” your reality and are operating from denial or alternative reality.

2. Your emotions are still erratic — excited and optimistic one moment and depressed and hopeless the next. This is a signal that you need to make peace with yourself first before you can make peace with your ex.

3. You still feel like the “victim” of the break-up and act like it — calling your ex names and talk-trashing him/her to anyone who will listen. You even become instant BFF and feel a strong connection to people who support and encourage your “victim” mentality and attitude.

4. You’re at war in your mind — one part of you says you should move on and the other part says you should try to get your ex back. A mind at war with itself can’t come up with any new or creative ideas. It’s so busy fighting itself.

5. You still haven’t taken responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship and/or blaming your ex, someone or something else for the break-up.

6. You talk a good game about what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown as a result of the break-up, but haven’t really done anything noticeable to change.

7. You’re still trying to make things happen on your terms and in your time. In other words, you’re still into power-struggle games. Anytime you operate on “my way or no way”, you end up with “NO WAY!”

8. You’re in a rebound relationship because you are upset with your ex, but your heart is not really in it. You want your ex back but using the rebound relationship to make them jealous and want you back.

Until you fix the above, you will never get back together. Trying to get your ex back when you’re not emotionally ready and/or changed nothing that would reassure your ex that things can and will be different will potentially destroy even the chance you had to begin with.

You need to work on becoming emotionally ready and take real action to change in order to increase your chances of getting back together. Working on yourself does not mean you should avoid your ex because you are not “‘ready”, maintain some form of contact, re-establish connection and try rebuilding the emotional bond you had, but do not try to ACTIVELY get him/her back until you have resolved all the 8 things listed above.

It may seem hard. but these are things that are fixable, if you put into them as much effort as you are putting about worrying about how often you contact your ex or if you are doing/saying the right things.

Good luck — it’s not easy, but it’s possible!

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
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  1. says: Regan

    I reached out to my ex after 5 weeks of no contact. I admitted all my faults and told her I was working on being a better partner for her. She texted back within 20 minutes, “too late”.

    Now what?

    1. I’m not sure if it’s a response to the 5 weeks of no contact or response to the fate of your relationship.

      What I do know is that you NEVER start trying to get your ex back by admitting all your faults and telling them you are working on being a better partner (for them). It NEVER works, especially after 5 weeks of no contact.

      Spend some time on this site, and you will discover better ways of reaching out to your ex in ways that get you a more encouraging/positive response.

  2. says: Rosalee

    I was with a guy for 3 years, he always told me he loved me and that we wouldn’t break up because if you love someone you make it work. But only a month later he said we were not compatible and should go our separate ways. I told him we could work on our issues but he said all he could offer me is friendship and see what happens. I still love him very much and want us to be a couple again, but it doesn’t make sense to me that he wants to be just friends instead of making the relationship work.

    1. “If you love someone you make it work” does not always match reality. You can love someone, but however much you try to make the relationship work, it just won’t work. It doesn’t mean you love the person any less for realizing that the relationship is never going to work.

      The bigger question is how did you respond to being “just friends”? The reason I ask is that this is a very tricky part of trying to get your ex back. And my advice is to always find out what exactly “just friends” means, and what are the boundaries of being “just friends”, then treat it as “space” or an opportunity for you to try and change things.

  3. says: jenny

    @Maria, listen to Yangki. I also worried that my ex wouldn’t see the changes in me because we were not going out as often as I’d have liked. It took about 4 months of texts, phone calls and occasional dates for him to say he noticed I had changed. We are still not back together because he says he needs more time to be sure. I know 4 months seem like such a long time but you probably need just as much time to work on yourself.

  4. says: Maria

    I don’t have that many opportunities to show him how I have changed because he does not want to go out with me until I have proven that I have changed. Although I feel like I’m making progress, I don’t think I’m there yet and fear that I will start an argument again, or worse. So all I’m left with is texts and a few calls here and there. Is this a disadvantage?

    1. Face-to-face meetings are more effective for the reasons listed in the book. But since that’s not an option, work with what you have. Meaning don’t push for a meeting with someone who is not ready for that level of contact.

      You can still use texts and phone calls to SHOW him that you have changed. You just have to do it effectively. Refer to the sections on emotional bonding, communicating change and creating new memories.

  5. says: violette

    Just a brief message to thank you for all the insight this blog and book have provided me with. I’m still in the beginning of trying and of course made all the usual mistakes, pushing it too soon, asking to meet etc., but the blog helped me a lot with removing all negativity from my mind, take a deep breath and a step back and tried to correct previous actions done in panic. For the first time in a month, the atmosphere is lighter between us and my ex seems to be relaxing emotionally a little, so some true connection can be reestablished. Hoping for the best. Thanks again!

  6. says: June

    Our breakup was the result of differences in communication styles. I did not communicate my views effectively and he let his emotions and pride get in the way. We were both concerned about being right than finding ways to resolve our differences. We both still love each other very much and he says he wants to work things, but we don’t know how talk to each other. Every time we try to talk we end up more upset with each other and not talking for days. Please help.

    1. You must deeply care for each other. My advice is to try to establish some guidelines for how you talk to each other e.g. who will talk first, listening without interrupting, no personal attacks, no blaming, no name-calling etc. and try to work things from there.

      You may have already tried this, but I’d still suggest you try to work with a professional. There may be deeper underlying issues and the “communication problem” is only a symptom. Just a suggestion.

  7. says: BigT

    Yangki I absolutely believe that relationships can have a second life, and have your Dating Your Ex book to proof it. However, no matter what I say, my ex believes I have not changed. She says she still loves me but feels that I want to control the relationship. I told her I’m willing to take things at her pace, but she does not believe me and thinks it’s best we each go our separate ways. How do I convince her that I have indeed changed? Is this even possible?

    1. It’s possible, but you have to stop trying to convince him that you have changed. Its something I mention over and over in Dating Your Ex book. The more you try to “convince” your ex that you have changed, the more suspicious of the so called “change” he/she will be. It’s even worse if the reason he/she ended the relationship was because he/she felt you were always trying to make things work your way.

      Start from the beginning using the steps in the book and build things to where she can see for herself that you are a better person than she knew before. Anything else, is spinning your wheels and making it impossible to get her back.

  8. says: Jake

    How likely is it for a partner break up with you in order to teach you a lesson per say? Not in a bad way, but more a long the lines of “I have tried to get you to see that there are serious things you need to address and work on and this seems like the only way you’ll see that”?

    1. In my experience not common in adult/mature relationships, which is my client base. But I’d think it’s probably common among high school kids and some college type relationships.

      I’m not very familiar with teenage relationships, so I don’t really know.

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