You’ll Not Get Your Ex Back Until You Fix These 8 Things (Starting NOW)

Everyone who wants their ex back thinks that they should be able to get their ex back– and they should be. But not everyone gets their ex back.

One will say this is a “stupid” statement coming from someone who has written and is selling a “get your ex back” book, but it’s a fact that not everyone will get their ex back.

Sometimes a relationship is damaged beyond repair and nothing you do will change your ex’s mind. But most of the time — at least from my experience — many people don’t get their ex back because they jump into trying to get their ex back when they are not emotionally ready for what it takes to get one’s ex back.

I’ve said it elsewhere and will say it again, getting your ex back is no child’s play. It’s not something for the weak-hearted and certainly not something for the emotionally immature and emotionally ill prepared.

It takes a lot of personal work to get yourself into a place where you can even begin trying to get your ex back. The work needed to be ready to get one’s ex back depends on each individual and each relationship. However, there are some common signs that one is not remotely ready — and there fore shouldn’t even be trying to actively get their ex back.

1. You don’t think the break-up should have happened — and doing everything you can to “reverse” it or go back to how things used to be. This is a clear sign you have not ‘accepted” your reality and are operating from denial or alternative reality.

2. Your emotions are still erratic — excited and optimistic one moment and depressed and hopeless the next. This is a signal that you need to make peace with yourself first before you can make peace with your ex.

3. You still feel like the “victim” of the break-up and act like it — calling your ex names and talk-trashing him/her to anyone who will listen. You even become instant BFF and feel a strong connection to people who support and encourage your “victim” mentality and attitude.

4. You’re at war in your mind — one part of you says you should move on and the other part says you should try to get your ex back. A mind at war with itself can’t come up with any new or creative ideas. It’s so busy fighting itself.

5. You still haven’t taken responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship and/or blaming your ex, someone or something else for the break-up.

6. You talk a good game about what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown as a result of the break-up, but haven’t really done anything noticeable to change.

7. You’re still trying to make things happen on your terms and in your time. In other words, you’re still into power-struggle games. Anytime you operate on “my way or no way”, you end up with “NO WAY!”

8. You’re in a rebound relationship because you are upset with your ex, but your heart is not really in it. You want your ex back but using the rebound relationship to make them jealous and want you back.

Until you fix the above, you will never get back together. Trying to get your ex back when you’re not emotionally ready and/or changed nothing that would reassure your ex that things can and will be different will potentially destroy even the chance you had to begin with.

You need to work on becoming emotionally ready and take real action to change in order to increase your chances of getting back together. Working on yourself does not mean you should avoid your ex because you are not “‘ready”, maintain some form of contact, re-establish connection and try rebuilding the emotional bond you had, but do not try to ACTIVELY get him/her back until you have resolved all the 8 things listed above.

It may seem hard. but these are things that are fixable, if you put into them as much effort as you are putting about worrying about how often you contact your ex or if you are doing/saying the right things.

Good luck — it’s not easy, but it’s possible!

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  1. says: BigT

    Yangki I absolutely believe that relationships can have a second life, and have your Dating Your Ex book to proof it. However, no matter what I say, my ex believes I have not changed. She says she still loves me but feels that I want to control the relationship. I told her I’m willing to take things at her pace, but she does not believe me and thinks it’s best we each go our separate ways. How do I convince her that I have indeed changed? Is this even possible?

    1. It’s possible, but you have to stop trying to convince him that you have changed. Its something I mention over and over in Dating Your Ex book. The more you try to “convince” your ex that you have changed, the more suspicious of the so called “change” he/she will be. It’s even worse if the reason he/she ended the relationship was because he/she felt you were always trying to make things work your way.

      Start from the beginning using the steps in the book and build things to where she can see for herself that you are a better person than she knew before. Anything else, is spinning your wheels and making it impossible to get her back.

  2. says: Jake

    How likely is it for a partner break up with you in order to teach you a lesson per say? Not in a bad way, but more a long the lines of “I have tried to get you to see that there are serious things you need to address and work on and this seems like the only way you’ll see that”?

    1. In my experience not common in adult/mature relationships, which is my client base. But I’d think it’s probably common among high school kids and some college type relationships.

      I’m not very familiar with teenage relationships, so I don’t really know.

  3. says: Kandie

    I don’t think that anyone needs to change to a better person to be accepted. I’m a caring, kind and loving partner who supported and loved my ex for 16 years but obviously that was not enough. I don’t need to change to get him back or for someone new. Being in a relationship is about accepting each other as you are.

    1. You are right that nobody should change for someone else and that being in a relationship is about accepting each other as you are. However, none of us is a “perfect” human being and all of us can always be better in one or more areas in our lives.

      The end of a relationship gives us the opportunity to step back and see what we could have done better or how we could have been better. Sometimes what we see in those moments of introspection is where we need to change to be better (at whatever); and sometimes “better” can mean better at choosing who we get involved with.

  4. says: Stu

    Perhaps commenting on how I am doing with these seven signs will help me and maybe others. 1. That’s a tricky one. I really don’t think the break up ‘should’ have happened, I think there were better ways we might have handled our problems. It is now 8 months on and we still both tell each other we love each other, we both miss each other terribly, which, for me, points towards the possibility that we could have resolved it better. But, regardless of ‘should,’ I do accept it is over and there is no going back.