You’ll Not Get Your Ex Back Until You Fix These 8 Things (Starting NOW)

Everyone who wants their ex back thinks that they should be able to get their ex back– and they should be. But not everyone gets their ex back.

One will say this is a “stupid” statement coming from someone who has written and is selling a “get your ex back” book, but it’s a fact that not everyone will get their ex back.

Sometimes a relationship is damaged beyond repair and nothing you do will change your ex’s mind. But most of the time — at least from my experience — many people don’t get their ex back because they jump into trying to get their ex back when they are not emotionally ready for what it takes to get one’s ex back.

I’ve said it elsewhere and will say it again, getting your ex back is no child’s play. It’s not something for the weak-hearted and certainly not something for the emotionally immature and emotionally ill prepared.

It takes a lot of personal work to get yourself into a place where you can even begin trying to get your ex back. The work needed to be ready to get one’s ex back depends on each individual and each relationship. However, there are some common signs that one is not remotely ready — and there fore shouldn’t even be trying to actively get their ex back.

1. You don’t think the break-up should have happened — and doing everything you can to “reverse” it or go back to how things used to be. This is a clear sign you have not ‘accepted” your reality and are operating from denial or alternative reality.

2. Your emotions are still erratic — excited and optimistic one moment and depressed and hopeless the next. This is a signal that you need to make peace with yourself first before you can make peace with your ex.

3. You still feel like the “victim” of the break-up and act like it — calling your ex names and talk-trashing him/her to anyone who will listen. You even become instant BFF and feel a strong connection to people who support and encourage your “victim” mentality and attitude.

4. You’re at war in your mind — one part of you says you should move on and the other part says you should try to get your ex back. A mind at war with itself can’t come up with any new or creative ideas. It’s so busy fighting itself.

5. You still haven’t taken responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship and/or blaming your ex, someone or something else for the break-up.

6. You talk a good game about what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown as a result of the break-up, but haven’t really done anything noticeable to change.

7. You’re still trying to make things happen on your terms and in your time. In other words, you’re still into power-struggle games. Anytime you operate on “my way or no way”, you end up with “NO WAY!”

8. You’re in a rebound relationship because you are upset with your ex, but your heart is not really in it. You want your ex back but using the rebound relationship to make them jealous and want you back.

Until you fix the above, you will never get back together. Trying to get your ex back when you’re not emotionally ready and/or changed nothing that would reassure your ex that things can and will be different will potentially destroy even the chance you had to begin with.

You need to work on becoming emotionally ready and take real action to change in order to increase your chances of getting back together. Working on yourself does not mean you should avoid your ex because you are not “‘ready”, maintain some form of contact, re-establish connection and try rebuilding the emotional bond you had, but do not try to ACTIVELY get him/her back until you have resolved all the 8 things listed above.

It may seem hard. but these are things that are fixable, if you put into them as much effort as you are putting about worrying about how often you contact your ex or if you are doing/saying the right things.

Good luck — it’s not easy, but it’s possible!

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  1. says: Olga

    My ex and I are both in counseling to try to save our relationship. We both realize that we still love each other but our differences make it hard to be together. It’s not easy living apart and sometimes he doesn’t call, but I’m trying to be mature about it. In the past, it’d drive me crazy that he didn’t call often. My hope is that our time apart while working on ourselves will help us salvage what we had. But if it doesn’t, I’ll still be a better person for it.

  2. says: Liz

    That’s very true. i know that i probably have to get “worked on” regardless of whether or not i have a future with him, because this issue will probably crop up in any romantic relationship i may have.
    It’s just very painful knowing there’s a time limit over something i can’t control 🙁
    Even though honestly there were other issues as well, so even if i was “fixed” he still may not want me back or we still wouldn’t work out.

  3. says: Liz

    I’m worried and scared….that if/when i get past the above stages, that it’ll be too late to get my ex back if i still want him. One of the big issues in our relationship was my anxiety disorder and the havoc it wrought (overanalyzing, nitpicking) and i know i’d have to “get better” before dating him or anyone again. and i’m fearful it will take far too long and that he’ll have moved on by then. idk what to do 🙁

    1. That he’ll get over you and will have moved on by the time you are “better” is a very possible reality. But so is the fact that if you don’t get “better” he’ll not want you back.

      You can waste more time worrying (overanalyzing, nitpicking) about if trying to get better will take far too OR use that time to actually work on getting better. That’s a choice only you can make.

  4. says: Manny

    Good information. Too late for me. It took me time to learn this the hard way. But learned I have. Hopefully the information will help someone else. Bless you for the work you do!

  5. says: Lisa

    You have helped me in immeasurable ways. Many of the topics you write about read as though they were written for me. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.