You’ll Not Get Your Ex Back Until You Fix These 8 Things (Starting NOW)

Everyone who wants their ex back thinks that they should be able to get their ex back– and they should be. But not everyone gets their ex back.

One will say this is a “stupid” statement coming from someone who has written and is selling a “get your ex back” book, but it’s a fact that not everyone will get their ex back.

Sometimes a relationship is damaged beyond repair and nothing you do will change your ex’s mind. But most of the time — at least from my experience — many people don’t get their ex back because they jump into trying to get their ex back when they are not emotionally ready for what it takes to get one’s ex back.

I’ve said it elsewhere and will say it again, getting your ex back is no child’s play. It’s not something for the weak-hearted and certainly not something for the emotionally immature and emotionally ill prepared.

It takes a lot of personal work to get yourself into a place where you can even begin trying to get your ex back. The work needed to be ready to get one’s ex back depends on each individual and each relationship. However, there are some common signs that one is not remotely ready — and there fore shouldn’t even be trying to actively get their ex back.

1. You don’t think the break-up should have happened — and doing everything you can to “reverse” it or go back to how things used to be. This is a clear sign you have not ‘accepted” your reality and are operating from denial or alternative reality.

2. Your emotions are still erratic — excited and optimistic one moment and depressed and hopeless the next. This is a signal that you need to make peace with yourself first before you can make peace with your ex.

3. You still feel like the “victim” of the break-up and act like it — calling your ex names and talk-trashing him/her to anyone who will listen. You even become instant BFF and feel a strong connection to people who support and encourage your “victim” mentality and attitude.

4. You’re at war in your mind — one part of you says you should move on and the other part says you should try to get your ex back. A mind at war with itself can’t come up with any new or creative ideas. It’s so busy fighting itself.

5. You still haven’t taken responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship and/or blaming your ex, someone or something else for the break-up.

6. You talk a good game about what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown as a result of the break-up, but haven’t really done anything noticeable to change.

7. You’re still trying to make things happen on your terms and in your time. In other words, you’re still into power-struggle games. Anytime you operate on “my way or no way”, you end up with “NO WAY!”

8. You’re in a rebound relationship because you are upset with your ex, but your heart is not really in it. You want your ex back but using the rebound relationship to make them jealous and want you back.

Until you fix the above, you will never get back together. Trying to get your ex back when you’re not emotionally ready and/or changed nothing that would reassure your ex that things can and will be different will potentially destroy even the chance you had to begin with.

You need to work on becoming emotionally ready and take real action to change in order to increase your chances of getting back together. Working on yourself does not mean you should avoid your ex because you are not “‘ready”, maintain some form of contact, re-establish connection and try rebuilding the emotional bond you had, but do not try to ACTIVELY get him/her back until you have resolved all the 8 things listed above.

It may seem hard. but these are things that are fixable, if you put into them as much effort as you are putting about worrying about how often you contact your ex or if you are doing/saying the right things.

Good luck — it’s not easy, but it’s possible!

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31 Comments

  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ncube

    Is it still possible to get her back if the reason we broke up is because i as you so accurately put it in your article ‘loved toomuch’ and she started feeling controlled and suffocated which made her unhappy and feel like a bad girlfriend

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Yes. BUT only if the behaviours that made her feel controlled and suffocated are completely gone.

      “Loved too much” is just a polite way of saying you are needy and clingy.

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Andrea

    Yangki, I also want to thank you. A month ago, I wanted to give up on getting my ex back because it seemed everything I tried only made him more angry. I started to read your blog daily and it was the only thing that gave me hope. Slowly I started to change and also change how I approached him. At first he wanted nothing to do with me, then is attitude started changing. I kept things at no pressure and a couple of weeks ago he initiated contact for the first time. I think we are getting closer although it remains to be seen.

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jasmin

    My mistake was that I let getting him back at all costs consume my whole life. I did all the stuff you say one shouldn’t do, constantly texting and calling, begging, crying, professing my love etc. Then I read advice telling I needed to move on if I wanted to get him back, which I did for 5 months. I had no choice. I was dating and doing things that really mattered to me, but I was just distracting myself. Deep inside I still missed him and longed for him. Then I found your blog and book. I have definitely become a better person as a result of reading your advice. I have started contact with my ex and so far things look good. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but just wanted to let you know you’ve helped me more than you will ever know. Thank you, Yangki.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: MChaela

    I tend to over think things and create problems that are not real. For example, last week I sent my ex a text. He usually responds within three hours but this time I did not hear from him for 5 days. I then sent him a text saying I understand if he does not want contact and wished him well. This morning I got a text from him telling me one of his friends was in a serious car accident and in critical condition. He also said he can not be there for me the way I want and thinks it’s best not to have any more contact. I have apologized but now he does not respond at all. I’m heartbroken all over.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Regan

    I reached out to my ex after 5 weeks of no contact. I admitted all my faults and told her I was working on being a better partner for her. She texted back within 20 minutes, “too late”.

    Now what?

    1. I’m not sure if it’s a response to the 5 weeks of no contact or response to the fate of your relationship.

      What I do know is that you NEVER start trying to get your ex back by admitting all your faults and telling them you are working on being a better partner (for them). It NEVER works, especially after 5 weeks of no contact.

      Spend some time on this site, and you will discover better ways of reaching out to your ex in ways that get you a more encouraging/positive response.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Rosalee

    I was with a guy for 3 years, he always told me he loved me and that we wouldn’t break up because if you love someone you make it work. But only a month later he said we were not compatible and should go our separate ways. I told him we could work on our issues but he said all he could offer me is friendship and see what happens. I still love him very much and want us to be a couple again, but it doesn’t make sense to me that he wants to be just friends instead of making the relationship work.

    1. “If you love someone you make it work” does not always match reality. You can love someone, but however much you try to make the relationship work, it just won’t work. It doesn’t mean you love the person any less for realizing that the relationship is never going to work.

      The bigger question is how did you respond to being “just friends”? The reason I ask is that this is a very tricky part of trying to get your ex back. And my advice is to always find out what exactly “just friends” means, and what are the boundaries of being “just friends”, then treat it as “space” or an opportunity for you to try and change things.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: jenny

    @Maria, listen to Yangki. I also worried that my ex wouldn’t see the changes in me because we were not going out as often as I’d have liked. It took about 4 months of texts, phone calls and occasional dates for him to say he noticed I had changed. We are still not back together because he says he needs more time to be sure. I know 4 months seem like such a long time but you probably need just as much time to work on yourself.

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Maria

    I don’t have that many opportunities to show him how I have changed because he does not want to go out with me until I have proven that I have changed. Although I feel like I’m making progress, I don’t think I’m there yet and fear that I will start an argument again, or worse. So all I’m left with is texts and a few calls here and there. Is this a disadvantage?

    1. Face-to-face meetings are more effective for the reasons listed in the book. But since that’s not an option, work with what you have. Meaning don’t push for a meeting with someone who is not ready for that level of contact.

      You can still use texts and phone calls to SHOW him that you have changed. You just have to do it effectively. Refer to the sections on emotional bonding, communicating change and creating new memories.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: violette

    Just a brief message to thank you for all the insight this blog and book have provided me with. I’m still in the beginning of trying and of course made all the usual mistakes, pushing it too soon, asking to meet etc., but the blog helped me a lot with removing all negativity from my mind, take a deep breath and a step back and tried to correct previous actions done in panic. For the first time in a month, the atmosphere is lighter between us and my ex seems to be relaxing emotionally a little, so some true connection can be reestablished. Hoping for the best. Thanks again!

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: June

    Our breakup was the result of differences in communication styles. I did not communicate my views effectively and he let his emotions and pride get in the way. We were both concerned about being right than finding ways to resolve our differences. We both still love each other very much and he says he wants to work things, but we don’t know how talk to each other. Every time we try to talk we end up more upset with each other and not talking for days. Please help.

    1. You must deeply care for each other. My advice is to try to establish some guidelines for how you talk to each other e.g. who will talk first, listening without interrupting, no personal attacks, no blaming, no name-calling etc. and try to work things from there.

      You may have already tried this, but I’d still suggest you try to work with a professional. There may be deeper underlying issues and the “communication problem” is only a symptom. Just a suggestion.

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: BigT

    Yangki I absolutely believe that relationships can have a second life, and have your Dating Your Ex book to proof it. However, no matter what I say, my ex believes I have not changed. She says she still loves me but feels that I want to control the relationship. I told her I’m willing to take things at her pace, but she does not believe me and thinks it’s best we each go our separate ways. How do I convince her that I have indeed changed? Is this even possible?

    1. It’s possible, but you have to stop trying to convince him that you have changed. Its something I mention over and over in Dating Your Ex book. The more you try to “convince” your ex that you have changed, the more suspicious of the so called “change” he/she will be. It’s even worse if the reason he/she ended the relationship was because he/she felt you were always trying to make things work your way.

      Start from the beginning using the steps in the book and build things to where she can see for herself that you are a better person than she knew before. Anything else, is spinning your wheels and making it impossible to get her back.

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jake

    How likely is it for a partner break up with you in order to teach you a lesson per say? Not in a bad way, but more a long the lines of “I have tried to get you to see that there are serious things you need to address and work on and this seems like the only way you’ll see that”?

    1. In my experience not common in adult/mature relationships, which is my client base. But I’d think it’s probably common among high school kids and some college type relationships.

      I’m not very familiar with teenage relationships, so I don’t really know.

  13. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Kandie

    I don’t think that anyone needs to change to a better person to be accepted. I’m a caring, kind and loving partner who supported and loved my ex for 16 years but obviously that was not enough. I don’t need to change to get him back or for someone new. Being in a relationship is about accepting each other as you are.

    1. You are right that nobody should change for someone else and that being in a relationship is about accepting each other as you are. However, none of us is a “perfect” human being and all of us can always be better in one or more areas in our lives.

      The end of a relationship gives us the opportunity to step back and see what we could have done better or how we could have been better. Sometimes what we see in those moments of introspection is where we need to change to be better (at whatever); and sometimes “better” can mean better at choosing who we get involved with.

  14. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Stu

    Perhaps commenting on how I am doing with these seven signs will help me and maybe others. 1. That’s a tricky one. I really don’t think the break up ‘should’ have happened, I think there were better ways we might have handled our problems. It is now 8 months on and we still both tell each other we love each other, we both miss each other terribly, which, for me, points towards the possibility that we could have resolved it better. But, regardless of ‘should,’ I do accept it is over and there is no going back.

  15. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Olga

    My ex and I are both in counseling to try to save our relationship. We both realize that we still love each other but our differences make it hard to be together. It’s not easy living apart and sometimes he doesn’t call, but I’m trying to be mature about it. In the past, it’d drive me crazy that he didn’t call often. My hope is that our time apart while working on ourselves will help us salvage what we had. But if it doesn’t, I’ll still be a better person for it.

  16. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Liz

    That’s very true. i know that i probably have to get “worked on” regardless of whether or not i have a future with him, because this issue will probably crop up in any romantic relationship i may have.
    It’s just very painful knowing there’s a time limit over something i can’t control 🙁
    Even though honestly there were other issues as well, so even if i was “fixed” he still may not want me back or we still wouldn’t work out.

  17. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Liz

    I’m worried and scared….that if/when i get past the above stages, that it’ll be too late to get my ex back if i still want him. One of the big issues in our relationship was my anxiety disorder and the havoc it wrought (overanalyzing, nitpicking) and i know i’d have to “get better” before dating him or anyone again. and i’m fearful it will take far too long and that he’ll have moved on by then. idk what to do 🙁

    1. That he’ll get over you and will have moved on by the time you are “better” is a very possible reality. But so is the fact that if you don’t get “better” he’ll not want you back.

      You can waste more time worrying (overanalyzing, nitpicking) about if trying to get better will take far too OR use that time to actually work on getting better. That’s a choice only you can make.

  18. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Manny

    Good information. Too late for me. It took me time to learn this the hard way. But learned I have. Hopefully the information will help someone else. Bless you for the work you do!

  19. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Lisa

    You have helped me in immeasurable ways. Many of the topics you write about read as though they were written for me. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.

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