On a regular basis, I meet women — young and old — who say they are happy being single and not looking for “anyone”, but within a few days or weeks, I receive an email or phone call asking for my advice on “this person I just met”. They say the relationship is just casual since they are not “looking”, but the questions they ask and need advice on indicate to me that deep down they’re hoping for something more real and longer lasting.
“It was fun and spontaneous and I felt that we had an emotional connection, but I am beginning to feel that may be I slept with him too soon. What do I do?”
Not so long ago, it used to be that the man pursues and catches the woman. The woman on the other hand provides the challenge and when she’s caught, the man feels like he’s got his hunting trophy. But in the spirit of gender equality everything has changed.
Women tired of waiting for men who can’t pick up the courage or put in the effort to “chase” are now doing the chasing with the hope of catching a good one. I personally think … why not?
The problem for some women is that sometimes they go in too aggressively and fall hard and fast, or get too serious too soon. You lose more than your self-esteem when you go charging after a guy like you-know-what-on-heat. You lose the opportunity of being valued as someone “special”.
At this point you might be thinking, good advice, Yangki, but I already slept with him what do I do?
1. There are people who have sex right away and a fabulous relationship follows. So just because you slept with him too soon doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.
Just like you, he may still be trying to figure out what having sex with you implies, for him and for you. Give him at least a few days, a week or so, and if he doesn’t call you, call him. When you call, the first thing out of your mouth shouldn’t be “why didn’t you call me?”, rather tell him how him not calling you makes you feel i.e. confused, anxious, shamed etc. and try to be calm and not accusatory. Some men (the mature and responsible ones), will really be impressed that you did not “pressure” him and will be more willing to talk openly – which is what you want.
2. If you’re really into the guy, let him know how you feel about him. Even in this day and age, a good number of men have no idea how to pursue a woman means. Their “expertise” in this area is hitting her over the head with a club and dragging her unconscious body into a cave. Even those men who are “man enough” to pursue a woman wait for so many “signals” to reassure them that they will not be rejected.
So if you are into him. go after him. At the end of the day, if is true love, it really doesn’t matter who pursued who.
3. Make sure he’s worth pursuing. Too many foxes with a dozen red roses out there. If you are naive and too trusting you may catch more than a bad cold. If your gut tells you you’re being played, you probably are. Don’t waste your time on something that is very unlikely to happen no matter how much you think you want him. Some men will string you along, blowing hot and cold and then bail out on you.
4. If he is showing signs that he is interested in being pursued, please, PLEASE, do not start “playing-hard-to-get” before you’ve given him enough reason to want to chase you. Hiding your feelings, sending mixed messages and making yourself hard to reach confuses and frustrates men. It’s imperative that you know how to send clear signals that suggest to him that success is possible, but some effort must be expended to achieve that success. Unless a man is assured that you’re ‘gettable’ and that the chase will be worth it in the end, he will have no motivation to want to pursue you.
5. Last but not least, next time you are tempted to sleep with a guy you barely know, keep in mind there is a higher chance that sex too soon will kill the possibilities of something deeper and lasting. If you are just looking to de-stress, how you choose to do it is your business, but don’t turn around and expect a man to pursue you because he slept with you.
Sex is not love. Sex is sex!