Question: I am trying to be really nice to my ex but that seems to make him even more angry. When we broke up, he said he never wants to talk to me ever again. At first I constantly texted him with mean comments and words because I was upset and my emotions were out of control. Then I stopped contacting him for 4 months. I reached out via facebook and then sent him a text. Sometimes he’s nice and seems interested talking to me and other times he does not respond at all. I have me him twice now, one by accident and another I was returning some of his stuff. He was polite when we talked but when I texted him later. I got no response. I admit that he has not seen me be nice to him in a while. When he broke up with me, he said we have toxic relationship because we can not keep away from each other and can not also be together.
I am running out of options because all your advice says to be nice and show him how much I love him. Please help.
Yangki’s Answer: I think that you may be reading my advice wrong if what you take from it is “be nice and show him how much you love him”. I would like to think my advice is much, much more deeper than that.
There’s two things that you are doing wrong, in my opinion.
1. Acting like because you didn’t speak for 4 months, he is over all the mean things that were said in the relationship and after the break-up. Contrary to what you may have heard, time does not heal all wounds, and some wounds never heal. His obviously haven’t.
2. You know he thinks your being “nice” is an act, and you still continuing to be “nice”.
Unfortunately, when you don’t know the difference between being loving, caring, emotionally open and honest, responsive not reactive and letting things flow naturally, you will tend to overdo it and end up coming come across as ‘faking niceness”. Most people get turned off by people who seem “too nice”, and irritated that they are being taken or a fool.
I may be wrong about what you are doing wrong, and there are other things going on… like there’s someone else in the picture (4 months is a long time!), or he’s getting feedback/gossip about you from a source you may or may not be aware of.
But based on my experience, lingering hurt feelings from the break-up and suspicion about your motives are the most common reasons for behaviour like you see in your ex.