What if there was a 70% chance you will not get back your ex, would you still try?
Many of you will probably say yes. Some of you might even say, “I would try even if there is only 1% chance”.
But if you are a rejection-avoidant (rejection-sensitive to be PC), only 30% chance of getting back your ex will scare the craps out of you.
Rejection-avoidants are so afraid of potential risk (negative perception, feedback or outcome) that in relationships they are willing to lie about and/or hide things that most people would be open about. They’d rather be secretive, dishonest or play mind games than be seen in a negative light, face up to scrutiny or an emotionally upsetting situation.
They are drawn to ‘no contact” because they don’t have to do anything. All they have to do is count off the days. No risk of contacting an ex and getting no response and being rejected again by someone who doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
So strong is the need to avoid rejection that even after overcoming the fear of contacting an ex and getting rejected, rejection-avoidants will text, call, hang out and have sex with their ex for months and not tell their ex they want him or her back. In their avoidant mind trap, if they tell their ex they want him or her back, and they are rejected, that’ll be so devastating. They can’t risk that!
I have worked with rejection-avoidants who give dating advice to their ex, and I am like “why?”. They are like, “So that he doesn’t think I still have feelings for him”, and I am like “isn’t the whole point to let him to know you still have feelings for him?”, and they are like, “I don’t want to scare him away?’, and I am like “so helping him fall in love with someone else is better than scaring him away?”
They think they are avoiding a potentially upsetting situation or outcome, but only creating that which they are trying to avoid.
Probably the worst part of rejection-avoidance is holding on to false hope.
By avoiding contact, you may be avoiding rejection, an upsetting situation or outcome but you are also living in a false reality. A reality that tells you that once you finish your 30 days (or whatever) of no-contact, you will contact your ex and they will have missed you and will be excited to reconnect and get back together.
You may also be avoiding potential rejection by pretending all you want is to be ‘just friends”. You hold in your feelings hoping that if your ex thinks you are over him or her, he or she will relax, bring their guard down, and when you drop “I want you back”, they will be be so open to you that walking back into their heart will be easy.
Hope – even false hope is comforting, but sometimes, “hope” is nothing but postponing the inevitable.
I am not saying that if you do no-contact there is no hope of getting back your ex. What I am saying is that there is such a thing as unrealistic expectations and/or false hope. It prevents us from facing up to and adjusting to an unwanted reality.
In my years of helping men and men get their ex back, one thing is constant: men and women who accept and embrace the risk of rejection, or possible unwanted outcome and take action because love is worth any risk are successful in attracting back their ex. Even those who do not get back their ex walk away from the experience feeling stronger and more confident than those that are constantly looking for ways to avoid rejection, or emotionally upsetting situations.