Will Telling Your Ex ‘I Love You’ Make Them Feel Pressured?

Will telling your ex ‘I love you’ make them feel pressured? When is it too early to tell your ex you still have feelings for them?  How do you make your ex feel loved without coming across as needy? All these are reasonable questions to ask if you don’t want your ex to feel pressured and pull further away.

Showing your ex you still have feelings for them right from the start is the right move. You don’t want them to think you only want to be just friends. But the mistake many people make is they think that telling their ex “I love you” over and over will make their ex want to come back. What they don’t realize is that unrelenting confessions of love too early in the process makes their ex feel pressured to get back together.

Why telling your ex “I love you” is pressuring them

Telling your ex over and over that you love them is really about your fear and anxiety pushing you to seek some kind of reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love them.

When you don’t get  “I love you” back, the fear that your ex may no longer love you, or has moved on pushes you to act even more needy and desperate.

Instead of “I love you”, what your ex hears is “Please, please take me back”. The more “I love you”, the more pressure your ex feels to take you back. Your ex’s response, even if they don’t tell you directly is “Why should I?”

How do you take off the pressure your ex feels?

Stop the “I love you” pleas and start showing your ex that the relationship can work. Putting emphasis on the relationship not only makes you less “self-interested”, it also takes off the pressure that comes with your ex feeling like they have to “love you back” because you love them so much.

Trying to show your ex that the relationship can work isn’t as easy as telling them, “the relationship can work” or “I have changed/making changes. Your ex will not believe you even if you show them you are willing to fight for your relationship.

You have to have actually changed for the changes to show. Your ex may even still have strong feelings for you, and may tell you they love you; but if their perception of you is still the old you, it doesn’t matter if you tell them you love you so much. If you can’t see that you have changed, they will not want to get back together.

How do you make your ex feel loved without making your ex feel  pressured?

First and foremost by taking care of our emotions. As mentioned earlier in the article, telling your ex over and over that you love them is really about your fear and anxiety. It’s about you seeking reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love them.

Your anxiety, fear and worry shows up in the way you contact your ex (timidly or aggressively). It shows up in your choice of words, in your actions (e.g. failing to recognize or turning away from your ex’s bids of connection); and in your inability to emotionally connect. As I always say, “How can you connect to someone else’s emotions when your own emotions are jumping up and down trying to get your attention.

Unfortunately when your anxiety, fear and worry shows up, it creates pressure for your ex. When you get upset, frustrated, discouraged, triggered, hurt or angry you not only lose your ex’s attraction, you also lose momentum – and in this process momentum is everything.

One of the things that can do to stop your ex from feelings pressured to take you back is take more control of your own feelings and emotions. Note, I didn’t say suppress how you feel, rather manage your emotions so that they work for you instead of work against you.

The more in control you are of your own emotions, the less stress you’ll feel

The less stressed you feel, the more calm and hopeful you’ll feel. The more calm and hopeful you feel, the less pressure-inducing  your interactions with your ex will be.

When you say “I love you” it will mean much more because there is no pressure for your ex to say it back because they can feel that it’s coming from a place of calm not fear or anxiety.

RELATED:

How to Get Back Your Ex With Pressure-Free Contact

Will Saying ‘See You Soon’ Make Your Ex Feel Pressured?

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72 Comments

  1. says: Robin

    Being the one dumped, I can honestly say my relationship fell apart due to no fault of either party. We are both poor at communication and over time it infected the entire relationship. But since I can only change myself, I’m working on being a better communicator. I want to get my ex back without tricks but because he loves me for me and wants to be with me. The positive tone of your articles and all your site has been very helpful. Thanks you for all you put into helping others.

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      You have a very healthy approach to a break-up. It can be a great “growth opportunity” or, you can use it to play angry victim.

  2. says: Nikole

    I want to thank you for these blogs! I was so clingy and as a weird resulted ended up pushing my love away. We’ve been broken up for about 2 months and although I miss him I love that we’ve grown as friends and am hoping we move beyond that. The amount of respect that we’ve gained from each other has been amazing. I can’t thank you enough for helping me through this! You’ve taught me to love myself and then I’ll be open to love. Thank you.

  3. says: Oz

    Yangki, I’ve been reading your site for some time and found it really useful. I have managed to get things to where she’s initiating contact. There’s obviously still chemistry there because she flirts with me a lot. However, I have asked her out a few times but she always says she’s tired, busy or has some other excuse. Should I just let it go or keep trying?

    1. If by “let go”, you mean “give up”, I shouldn’t decide that for you. It’s your heart… your life.

      If you mean stop asking her out, then yes. In my experience, this usually happens because there is no emotional momentum to take it to the next level. Try to build more momentum before asking her out again. Unless of course you think your ex is playing mind games.

  4. says: MSB

    After 2-3 days of no contact (multiple times) I became frustrated and told him never to contact me again. In your ebook you say not to apologize, but I don’t see how I can open the door without taking responsibility for my behavior. I acted out of fear and wish I hadn’t. I don’t see how to initiate contact after I said what I did without apologizing briefly…and telling him he can reach out in the future. Thoughts?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      In the book I say do not apologize for your role in the break-up when your ex is not ready to hear you. It doesn’t help in that the apology may come across as a desperate attempt to change your ex’s mind. If you already apologized once, don’t do it too many times because then the apology will be meaningless.

      In your case, you made a mistake saying never to contact you again, that’s different from apologizing for your role in the break-up. And you are right, you can’t initiate contact and act like you didn’t say “never contact me”. An apology is necessary.

  5. says: Olga

    Yangki, I really like your advice in your articles.
    How would you go about moving forward with an ex who is undergoing a divorce and is clearly confused about the future?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Keep the lines of communication open while he figures himself out, but do not try to actively get him back. In other words, keep the door open for possibilities but go about living your life. He may or may not want you back after he’s “unconfused” himself. The open lines of communication helps you keep track of where you stand, so you can decide whether to keep trying or let him go.

  6. says: CabbyDan

    My situation is that the relationship ended 8 weeks ago. First few weeks we were in NC. Then she started commenting on stuff on her facebook status updates that indicated that she is missing me. I did not contact her. Week 5 of NC she contacted me and again I did not contact her. Week 7 she again contacted me and this time I replied asking her if she wanted to go out for a drink. No response. Two days ago, I texted her asking her how she is doing and what she has been up to, nothing from her. She is sending mixed signals that is why I’m back to NC.

    1. It’s mixed signals alright… When someone is sending you mixed signals, my advice is to go by the strongest signal. I don’t know what she put on her status to make you think she was missing you but I’d consider the one time contact from her to be the weaker signal since there was no follow up.

      The fact that you have contacted her twice with no response is the stronger signal…i.e. she’s not that interested in regular contact. If she was, she’d respond to show she wants contact.

      It’s possible she’s just messing with your head.

  7. says: Bray

    Yangki, I followed your advice of no pressure contact and yesterday we had our very first meeting in 3 months. Things went well and when I asked her if we can meet again, she was open to it. I guess my next move is to continue the no pressure contact, connecting emotionally and to build momentum, right?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      I am happy for you, and you are right. Don’t start asking to meet too often though. Build momentum slowly and steadly.

      All the best… 🙂

  8. says: Bark

    I have been doing this and not putting pressure but now I’m worried I may be playing too safe since she’s seeing other people and seems to only respond to my texts as a friend.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      If all you are dong is contacting her and not trying to build an emotional connection or create momentum, your worry is legit. Nobody ‘falls in love” just because you contact them, if that was the case, dating would be so simple. Just contact him/her the “right amount” and “Voila! We’re married”.

      But that’s not what happens. People fall in love because of how they FEEL about you. It’s about FEELING. Not contact.

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