Many people trying to get their ex back mistakenly think that telling their ex “I love you” over and over will make their ex want to come back. What they don;t realize is that unrelenting confessions of love only end up pushing your ex even further away. Why?
Because even if it looks like it’s about your ex, telling your ex over and over that you love them is really about your fear and anxiety pushing you to seek some kind of reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love them.
When you don’t get “I love you” back, the fear that your ex may no longer love you, or has moved on pushes you to act even more needy and desperate.
If you are making an effort to reach out with the goal of getting your ex back, it’s obvious to your ex that that you still love them, otherwise why would you be trying to get them back.
Instead of “I love you”, what your ex hears is “Please, please take me back”.
The more “I love you”, the more pressure your ex feels to take you back.
Their response, even if they don’t tell you directly is “Why should I?”
And your ex is right, why should they take you back?
So how do you take off the pressure?
Stop the “I love you” pleas and start showing your ex that the relationship can work. Putting emphasis on the relationship not only makes you less “self-interested”, it also takes off the pressure that comes with your ex feeling like they have to “love you back” because you love them so much.
Trying to show your ex that the relationship can work isn’t as easy as telling them, “the relationship can work” or “I have changed/making changes. I liken it to going to the dentist. You may know what to expect once you get there, but you almost always assume that the process will be painful and unpleasant.
At times you will be frustrated, discouraged, triggered, hurt and even angry. Most of the time, you’ll feel like there is no point in trying. This are all normal feelings and emotions, if you can keep them to yourself.
Most people can’t, no because they are weak or don’t know how to hide their feelings very well, but because feelings and emotions have their own way of showing up uninvited and unwanted.
They show up in the way you contact your ex (timidly or aggressively). They show up in your choice of words. They show up in your actions (e.g. failing to recognize or turning away from your ex’s bids of connection). The show up in your inability to emotionally connect. As I always say, “How can you connect to someone else’s emotions when your own emotions are jumping up and down trying to get your attention.
They just show up, and unfortunately when they do, they create pressure for your ex. When you get upset, frustrated, discouraged, triggered, hurt or angry you not only lose your ex’s attraction, you also lose momentum – and in this process momentum is everything.
One of the things that can do to stop your ex from feelings pressured to take you back is take more control of your own feelings and emotions. Note, I didn’t say suppress how you feel, rather manage your emotions so that they work for you instead of work against you.
The more in control you are of your own emotions, the less stress you’ll feel. The less stressed you feel, the more calm and hopeful you’ll feel. The more calm and hopeful you feel, the less pressure-inducing your interactions with your ex will be.
When you say “I love you” it will mean much more because there is no pressure for your ex to say it back because they can feel that it’s coming from a place of calm not fear or anxiety.