Will Telling Your Ex ‘I Love You’ Make Them Feel Pressured?

Will telling your ex ‘I love you’ make them feel pressured? When is it too early to tell your ex you still have feelings for them?  How do you make your ex feel loved without coming across as needy? All these are reasonable questions to ask if you don’t want your ex to feel pressured and pull further away.

Showing your ex you still have feelings for them right from the start is the right move. You don’t want them to think you only want to be just friends. But the mistake many people make is they think that telling their ex “I love you” over and over will make their ex want to come back. What they don’t realize is that unrelenting confessions of love too early in the process makes their ex feel pressured to get back together.

Why telling your ex “I love you” is pressuring them

Telling your ex over and over that you love them is really about your fear and anxiety pushing you to seek some kind of reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love them.

When you don’t get  “I love you” back, the fear that your ex may no longer love you, or has moved on pushes you to act even more needy and desperate.

Instead of “I love you”, what your ex hears is “Please, please take me back”. The more “I love you”, the more pressure your ex feels to take you back. Your ex’s response, even if they don’t tell you directly is “Why should I?”

How do you take off the pressure your ex feels?

Stop the “I love you” pleas and start showing your ex that the relationship can work. Putting emphasis on the relationship not only makes you less “self-interested”, it also takes off the pressure that comes with your ex feeling like they have to “love you back” because you love them so much.

Trying to show your ex that the relationship can work isn’t as easy as telling them, “the relationship can work” or “I have changed/making changes. Your ex will not believe you even if you show them you are willing to fight for your relationship.

You have to have actually changed for the changes to show. Your ex may even still have strong feelings for you, and may tell you they love you; but if their perception of you is still the old you, it doesn’t matter if you tell them you love you so much. If you can’t see that you have changed, they will not want to get back together.

How do you make your ex feel loved without making your ex feel  pressured?

First and foremost by taking care of our emotions. As mentioned earlier in the article, telling your ex over and over that you love them is really about your fear and anxiety. It’s about you seeking reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love them.

Your anxiety, fear and worry shows up in the way you contact your ex (timidly or aggressively). It shows up in your choice of words, in your actions (e.g. failing to recognize or turning away from your ex’s bids of connection); and in your inability to emotionally connect. As I always say, “How can you connect to someone else’s emotions when your own emotions are jumping up and down trying to get your attention.

Unfortunately when your anxiety, fear and worry shows up, it creates pressure for your ex. When you get upset, frustrated, discouraged, triggered, hurt or angry you not only lose your ex’s attraction, you also lose momentum – and in this process momentum is everything.

One of the things that can do to stop your ex from feelings pressured to take you back is take more control of your own feelings and emotions. Note, I didn’t say suppress how you feel, rather manage your emotions so that they work for you instead of work against you.

The more in control you are of your own emotions, the less stress you’ll feel

The less stressed you feel, the more calm and hopeful you’ll feel. The more calm and hopeful you feel, the less pressure-inducing  your interactions with your ex will be.

When you say “I love you” it will mean much more because there is no pressure for your ex to say it back because they can feel that it’s coming from a place of calm not fear or anxiety.

RELATED:

How to Get Back Your Ex With Pressure-Free Contact

Will Saying ‘See You Soon’ Make Your Ex Feel Pressured?

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72 Comments

  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Javneh

    I was sort of seeing this woman for three months before she decided she wanted us to be just friends. I told her I want her as a friend better than not have her in my life at all. A couple of weeks ago, we had a disagreement which ended badly. She told me that if I stopped pushing too hard we might actually have a chance. I have not called/texted her because I don’t want to make the mistake of being needy/clingy. Whenever we are at odds with each other, I’m always the first one to email/text/call to make things right. She’s probably waiting for me to contact her. I’m just wondering, do you think that because I haven’t contacted her she’ll feel she’s losing me and want me or may be she’ll think it’s not worth the trouble?

    1. I don’t think that just a one time effort not to appear needy/clingy will change anything. For her to say that if you’d stop pushing too hard you might actually have a chance says that this is something you’ve done over an extended period of time and has been/is a major turn off. You’ll have to consistently show — over a period of time — that you’re not needy/clingy for it to have a desired effect.

      I do not think not calling/texting after a major disagreement is the best way to start showing that you’re not clingy/needy. It’s more like you’re angry/sulking/immature. The best time to show you’re “no longer clingy/needy” is when everything is fine and the person can see/appreciate the change.

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Alan514

    I just wanted to say thank you for this site and for your ebook. I suffer from anxiety disorder which also makes me needy at times. I’ve been following the guidelines in your ebook on how not to overcontact my ex and they have really helped. She’s becoming more relaxed and even initiating contacts a few times. She knows I suffer from this disorder and I have been on and off medication. I appreicate that she wants to keep in contact with me after she had said she can’t give me the attention I need and feels worn out. You have really helped me. Thank you.

    1. Over-contacting is problem even for those who do not suffer from anxiety disorder. With anxiety disorder it must have been more frustrating for you and for your ex. I’m glad things are better between the two of you and pray that they get even better. No pressure…(:

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Mary

    Yangki, I know you say in your book not to talk about the old relationship and I didn’t bring it up, he did. I was careful to stick to the facts as you advice and I think it made a difference. He noticed I was not being emotional and defensive and made the comment that he wishes I was “this person” when we were still together. I asked him what he meant and he said I seemed more mature than when we were together. He wants to see me again. My question is, should I wait for him to ask me out or ask him out? I asked him out the last time.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Royal

    Within 9 days of no contact, my ex sent me a text “I don’t think this silence is doing either of us any good.” I didn’t respond because I was still hurt. After 3 weeks I was feeling good again and texted him “I felt like I needed some time to cool off before we talked”. I was hoping he’d call me, but I didn’t get a response from him. After 4 days I sent him another text “Can we talk.” I didn’t get a reply for that either. I then sent him another text 3 days later “Can we talk and get this behind us”. No response. I am sad and feel neglected. What do I do?

    1. Sad and neglected was probably how he felt when you didn’t respond until after 3 weeks. He may be giving you a taste of your own medicine, or may he decided it’s best to move on.

      After 3 attempts with no response, it may be best to wait and see if he contacts you. Then decide if you want to re-establish contact or not.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Bazou

    You are right, she’s not a terrible person. That’s just me trying to move on. In fact she’s the most wonderful person I have ever met and I’d give anything to have her back.

    I’ll follow the advice in the ebook as you suggest. Thank you very much.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Bazou

    She broke up with me but still texts, calls and wants to hang out. It’s like we are still together except that she dates other men and no sex for us. I initially agreed to us being friends hoping that she will see how I’m changing but I’m now wondering if she’s just using me. It’s killing me that we are not together but it’s what she wants. She wants all the benefits of a girlfriend without really being my girlfriend.

    1. I’m tempted to say what a terrible person she is, but the fact is that you are just going along with what she wants. She broke up with you, that means she gave up the right to expect girlfriend benefits.

      It’s not just what she wants that matters, what you want matters just as much. You don’t have to text or talk or go out with her if you do not want to. But if you do, it’s up to you to negotiate the terms of whatever it is that you have between the two of you. I see that you have my eBook, please refer to Pg. 179 for “Ex can’t make up her mind” and Pg. 197 for negotiating the “friends zone”.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Robin

    Being the one dumped, I can honestly say my relationship fell apart due to no fault of either party. We are both poor at communication and over time it infected the entire relationship. But since I can only change myself, I’m working on being a better communicator. I want to get my ex back without tricks but because he loves me for me and wants to be with me. The positive tone of your articles and all your site has been very helpful. Thanks you for all you put into helping others.

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      You have a very healthy approach to a break-up. It can be a great “growth opportunity” or, you can use it to play angry victim.

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nikole

    I want to thank you for these blogs! I was so clingy and as a weird resulted ended up pushing my love away. We’ve been broken up for about 2 months and although I miss him I love that we’ve grown as friends and am hoping we move beyond that. The amount of respect that we’ve gained from each other has been amazing. I can’t thank you enough for helping me through this! You’ve taught me to love myself and then I’ll be open to love. Thank you.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Oz

    Yangki, I’ve been reading your site for some time and found it really useful. I have managed to get things to where she’s initiating contact. There’s obviously still chemistry there because she flirts with me a lot. However, I have asked her out a few times but she always says she’s tired, busy or has some other excuse. Should I just let it go or keep trying?

    1. If by “let go”, you mean “give up”, I shouldn’t decide that for you. It’s your heart… your life.

      If you mean stop asking her out, then yes. In my experience, this usually happens because there is no emotional momentum to take it to the next level. Try to build more momentum before asking her out again. Unless of course you think your ex is playing mind games.

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: MSB

    After 2-3 days of no contact (multiple times) I became frustrated and told him never to contact me again. In your ebook you say not to apologize, but I don’t see how I can open the door without taking responsibility for my behavior. I acted out of fear and wish I hadn’t. I don’t see how to initiate contact after I said what I did without apologizing briefly…and telling him he can reach out in the future. Thoughts?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      In the book I say do not apologize for your role in the break-up when your ex is not ready to hear you. It doesn’t help in that the apology may come across as a desperate attempt to change your ex’s mind. If you already apologized once, don’t do it too many times because then the apology will be meaningless.

      In your case, you made a mistake saying never to contact you again, that’s different from apologizing for your role in the break-up. And you are right, you can’t initiate contact and act like you didn’t say “never contact me”. An apology is necessary.

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Olga

    Yangki, I really like your advice in your articles.
    How would you go about moving forward with an ex who is undergoing a divorce and is clearly confused about the future?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Keep the lines of communication open while he figures himself out, but do not try to actively get him back. In other words, keep the door open for possibilities but go about living your life. He may or may not want you back after he’s “unconfused” himself. The open lines of communication helps you keep track of where you stand, so you can decide whether to keep trying or let him go.

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: CabbyDan

    My situation is that the relationship ended 8 weeks ago. First few weeks we were in NC. Then she started commenting on stuff on her facebook status updates that indicated that she is missing me. I did not contact her. Week 5 of NC she contacted me and again I did not contact her. Week 7 she again contacted me and this time I replied asking her if she wanted to go out for a drink. No response. Two days ago, I texted her asking her how she is doing and what she has been up to, nothing from her. She is sending mixed signals that is why I’m back to NC.

    1. It’s mixed signals alright… When someone is sending you mixed signals, my advice is to go by the strongest signal. I don’t know what she put on her status to make you think she was missing you but I’d consider the one time contact from her to be the weaker signal since there was no follow up.

      The fact that you have contacted her twice with no response is the stronger signal…i.e. she’s not that interested in regular contact. If she was, she’d respond to show she wants contact.

      It’s possible she’s just messing with your head.

  13. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Bray

    Yangki, I followed your advice of no pressure contact and yesterday we had our very first meeting in 3 months. Things went well and when I asked her if we can meet again, she was open to it. I guess my next move is to continue the no pressure contact, connecting emotionally and to build momentum, right?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      I am happy for you, and you are right. Don’t start asking to meet too often though. Build momentum slowly and steadly.

      All the best… 🙂

  14. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Bark

    I have been doing this and not putting pressure but now I’m worried I may be playing too safe since she’s seeing other people and seems to only respond to my texts as a friend.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      If all you are dong is contacting her and not trying to build an emotional connection or create momentum, your worry is legit. Nobody ‘falls in love” just because you contact them, if that was the case, dating would be so simple. Just contact him/her the “right amount” and “Voila! We’re married”.

      But that’s not what happens. People fall in love because of how they FEEL about you. It’s about FEELING. Not contact.

  15. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: TonyC

    Yangki, in one of your comments you said you do not have advice for people doing no or limited contact, but in one of your articles you say your clients sometimes tell you they want to give their ex space. I am just curious, what do you tell them?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      Knock yourself out…

      I’m kidding. That’s just what I am thinking… 😉

      I tell them (very politely) they are free to do what they feel like doing. When that fails (I know it will) and if it’s not too late or if they have not completely blown their chances, we can try my approach.

      I discovered many years ago that 1) you can not talk logic to fear and 2) everyone thinks they are an ‘expert’ at relationships. Once they find out that they are not, then they are more open to being helped/advised.

  16. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Fallen

    Your advice Yangki brings clarity and forward movement. I’ve been beating myself up over my mistakes but since telling myself that it was both our faults, I feel a lot better about myself and the relationship in general. I’d like my ex back and I’m sure some exes can get back together and do very well, but it’s too late for us. We let our problems get out of hand and now we can’t even talk civilly to each other. I’m actually more hurt that we can no longer communicate than I’m that the relationship ended. Does that make sense?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      Yes it does make sense. A breakup doesn’t have to mean you can’t be civil to each other, but the reality is sometimes exes can’t be civil to each other mainly because of built up anger. You can’t make your ex talk to you in a civil manner but you can work on making yourself a better person, and hope that someday you will have the opportunity to showcase the work you’ve been doing on yourself.

      I strongly advice against trying to force communication, let alone civility. All you get is more push back and anger.

  17. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Maya

    I agree with this article and Yangki’s comment above.

    My ex-hub and I have been separated for almost a year, but as parents of two very beautiful kids, we see each other quite a lot. Lately, we’ve become even closer and all this is a result of lots of communication about what we each did, what we did not like about the other and what we can or can not put up with. We would not have arrived in this place in our relationship without communicating.

  18. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Farouk

    Thank you Yangki for your quick response. So far I’ve been able to avoid the “hot” topics and we don’t fight that often. It’s just the silence and being a little uncomfortable just being around each other that I need help with.

    1. Avoiding the “hot” topics will help you avoid conflict/fights/arguments. That’s okay if your goal is a short term relationship, unfortunately it does little in terms of building trust and inspiring commitment. There will always be that “a little uncomfortable just being around each other” feeling because there is an elephant in the room.

      What I’m saying is, the things you fight about will not go away because you are not dealing with them. They just dig deeper and in time become “irreconcilable differences”. If you plan on the longer haul, better to work on being able to talk about those “hot” topics without getting “hot” yourselves.

  19. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Farouk

    Like Wayne H, we have communication issues as well. We love and are committed to each other but when we spend a great deal of time together, we either fight or have nothing to say to each other. I’d like for us to be able to just enjoy each other’s company without it always ending badly. Any advice?

    1. 1) Learn to talk WITH each other instead of talking TO each other.

      What’s the difference? Talking to each other is like two people driving on parallel lanes. You may get to the same destination but your experiences will be completely different. Talking with each other is like driving in the same car (together) — and sharing the same experience.

      2) Find something you both enjoy and plan activities around it. It has to be something you both can enjoy together and not just one person’s interest where the other simply participates. Try a few different things until you find which one helps you come together as a team. The activity or interest can even be something you both haven’t tried yet.

  20. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Wayne H.

    This is such a super positive site. Breaking up is not always such a bad thing. Sometimes people just grow apart naturally. Sometimes some personality traits that lay dormant in the initial stages surface and derail the relationships, and sometimes the timing is just not right. In my case it was that we never learned how to communicate with each other. The breakup helped me see my weaknesses and work on them. We have better communication now than we ever did in 6 years.

    1. I was aiming for “real” but “super positive” doesn’t hurt… at… all….

      It’s one of my deepest wishes that people stop seeing break-ups as always a bad thing. Yes, it’s not something we look forward to and yes, it hurts (probably like nothing else). But something has to die for something new to take it’s place.

      The people who put all their effort trying to “stop” the old relationship from dying or fix it, in my experience don’t get back together or if they do, break-up again after a few weeks or months. Those who work on starting all over (the way they should have in the first place), have a better chance of sustaining the relationship long term.

      Communication is a good place to start. There is a lot more work. As long as you focus on starting all over, you’ll be just fine.

  21. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Hope

    Yangki, my ex is a very loving, caring and straightforward guy. He does not play mind games and very open About his feelings. I broke up with him because he was always busy with work and had no time for me. He asked me to reconsider and work things out but I told him it was what is best. Two days later he asked for no contact to heal and move on. I still want him back, so after reading your articles I contacted him. He replied immediately, said he was happy to hear form me but said he is not ready to get back together. He said we can be friends. So now what do I do? We have no contact for 2 weeks.

    1. Asking him to get back together right off the start was a mistake. What you were doing is trying to continue with the old relationship. It only makes sense for him to turn you down.

      You have one thing going for you, and that is he is open to staying in contact. To immensely increase your chancres of getting him back you have to start like you are re-introducing yourself to him – date him again. Just like you are meeting someone for the first time, you don’t go to him and say, “let’s be girl/boyfriend”. It starts slowly and builds to girl/boyfriend — again.

      The catch is, your ex knows you. You have to come back with something better to offer to the relationship for it to feel like a “new” relationship.

  22. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: malcomx33

    What about if she is showing signs of regret and saying things like the relationship wasn’t all bad and that I’ll always be special to her, but also saying she doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea, she’s not looking to get back together. Does it mean she’s confused and doesn’t know what she wants? How should I approach the situation?

    1. I don’t think she’s confused about anything… she obviously still cares about you and wishes things could have been different, but just because she has regrets does not mean she wants to try things again, at least not now.

      If she’s open to contact, I think you should give things a try. Don’t rush anything, just focus on making her see that things could be different.

  23. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Gregory

    Yangki,
    I know in your book you say to give space when a woman asks for it… but also your main point is to keep a line of communication open. I can’t do that now because my GF asked for space and she didn’t know how long it would be or if we should talk. Is there an acceptable time I should wait and then see how she is? Is a month or two apart ok, or damaging? Our last goodbye was us holding each other and kissing and tears after spending the night together…

    1. LOVE DOCTOR, YANGKI AKITENGLOVE DOCTOR, YANGKI AKITENGsays: LOVE DOCTOR, YANGKI AKITENG

      There is a detailed answer to your question in the book pg.132 – 136.

      If you want your ex back or want to ever have a happy fulfilling relationship that lasts, stop thinking of her as a “woman”. No two women are alike, and not all women think alike, want the same things or have the same needs. That’s why I would never say “give space when a woman asks for it”. It’s not the kind of language I’d ever use.

      Your ex is a unique individual with unique needs. Treat her as such and you have a better chance.

  24. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Savanah

    Yangki, we started getting really close and hang out and it was awesome, until a few weeks ago. He stopped initiating contact and seemed withdrawn and distant. I asked if there’s something wrong but he said it’s just stress at work. Instead of showing him that I understand he is going through a stressful situation, I acted needy and clingy. He still responds to my texts and is sweet and everything but I have not seen him for 2 weeks. Is this normal?

    1. Yes, it is normal. He may be busy as he says but if after 4-6 weeks or so, he still will not meet with you, even very briefly, then may be he started having second thoughts when you acted needy and clingy.

      For now, I wouldn’t worry too much…. you might start something about nothing.

  25. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Matthew

    Yangki, Hi my ex left me 3 months ago saying she lost interest in the relastionship and that I wasn’t fun enough. I was guilty of working to much and became predictable but we also had communication issues meaning she never told me what was wrong until the day she left. I’m introverted and she’s extroverted and we were together 4 years living together the last 2 and I’m 39 and she’s 35. We have went to counseling together twice to help me move on she said. We still text everyday and she’s glad to hear from me and I give her space and keep our texts meaningful when I can. Right now she says she’s fine being on her own but does question her decision to leave but isn’t going to rush forward and isn’t going to rush back. I’m stuck now trying to get her back but do you think I have a chance with her being she already knows the going out, night life, and running wasn’t for me or should I keep working on her and hope to convince her to meet me in the middle?

  26. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Cocha

    My ex said she wants us to be friends but she never makes any efforts to initiate contact or hang out. Last week, I asked If she wanted to have a drink and she said, maybe, I’ll call you later. But she didn’t call. So I called her the next day and we spoke for 20 minutes. She apologized for not calling me back and then said she was feeling guilty. I told her I understand but she kept saying she’s sorry because I’m so nice to her. She had to go and I haven’t texted or called her for 4 days. Do you think she feels guilty for breaking up with me or is there something else?

    1. Without more information about your relationship, it’s hard to tell what she’s sorry for. I can only speculate based on what I know working with people in similar situations. It’s possible that she ‘s feeling guilty because you’re a wonderful guy who she’s not attracted to in a “boyfriend material” way. She may even feel guilty for “wasting” the time you’d be focusing on finding yourself someone who’d want you as more than just a friend.

  27. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Shirina

    I’m going through something similar with my ex. He broke up with me saying he felt pressured because I was always asking him where we stand. We had been dating for 3 months and he still wasn’t sure I was the one. Two days after the breakup he texted me saying he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but just needs time to figure things out. I asked him if he wanted me to give him space and not contact him and he said that’s not what he wants. For over a month we text, talk on the phone and hang out. The last time I asked him if he had figured things out, things became awkward. Should I just back off?

    1. I think that he really just needs time. If he didn’t want to be with you, he would have said so.

      You were together for only 3 months, that’s barely enough time to get to know someone. He may be trying to get to know you better, and backing off will not work to your favour.

  28. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Drone

    My ex and I separated last october after a very difficult end to our relationship, I was very angry, confused, conflicted, unhappy and every other emotion going. I was never abusive or controlling but had some issues after my mum died. She had enough and asked me to leave, then started a relationship with someone else. We have children together and it has taken awhile to get a very civil place.

    I am determined to be back with her and my family again, and I believe have done everything right so far. Time will tell I guess.

  29. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Onness

    My situation is the reverse. I was the one who broke it off with her three weeks ago. She texts me every 3 days says she’s changed and wants me back.. The reason we broke up is because we fought and argued a lot. She’s very emotional and sometimes things got out of hand. She says she’s seeing a therapist and is working on her anger issues. We met for a drink a couple of days ago and she asked if we can get back together. I feel that it is too soon and honestly, I don’t know if I want her back. My question to you is, how does one know if they should give the relationship another chance?

    1. You know when it feels right. That is, you are 100% sure it is what you want, and you can see a future in which the relationship does not have the same fighting and arguing.

      I would be very weary though of someone who comes back after 3 weeks and says they’ve changed. Most of the time, they’re just saying that to try to get you to take them back.

      It takes time to change, and even more time for the change to set in. If you still have feelings for her, I suggest that you tell her you are not ready to rush back into a relationship and want to take things very slow. If she’s just trying to get you to take her back, 1) she’ll get frustrated and give up because things are not going according to her agenda and, or 2) the old issues and behaviours will show up.

      Either way, you’ll know, and can make your decision based on reality than speculation or pre-emptive fear.

  30. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Dave F.

    I made her feel like she didn’t matter to me and I want her to know I still love her and want her back. I don’t want to rush her, but I’m concerned that I wasted so much time not contacting her.

    1. As is in the eBook, I advice against telling her you love her and want her back in the very first initial contacts. Your ex may say, “NO”, not because she doesn’t want to get back with you, but because the perception of you she still has is based on past experience. You may have made changes and become a better boy/girlfriend or partner, but your ex doesn’t know that.

      You have to first get her to see you in a better light, become interest in or even fall in love with the “new you” before asking her to try the relationship again. You have a better chance if she can see that you are different from the person she broke up with and because of this, she can expect a better relationship.

  31. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Dave F.

    Yangki, I believe that one can get back an ex who has lost interest. Communication is very important to this end. So far your advice is the only one that makes sense. I contacted my ex after reading your articles and she responded straight away. We’ve exchanged 5 texts, 3 from me and 2 from her. I sense a hesitation on her part and I think that’s because we haven’t been in contact for 3 weeks. How do the steps in your ebook work?

    1. Each step — re-establishing contact, getting your ex to warm up to you, and getting her interested in a relationship with you again — takes time and deliberate action. It should not be rushed through. One step lays a foundation for the next step. A strong foundation before moving onto the next step ensures a better chance for success.

  32. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Mia Amore

    My ex and I are the exact opposite. We can spend days and days in each other’s uninterrupted presence without an argument or getting angry at each other. But we both have too many unresolved issues to make it as a couple. We have remained great friends and talk to each other on a daily basis. This is how things have been for the last 2 years.

    1. Great friends who can’t make it as a couple happens. Some couples work at resolving their issues separately and try the relationship again, others agree that they are better of as just friends. What I think matters little because it is your life, your decision, but I’ll say what I think any way. I think that you have something very special, and you ought to give it a chance. Of course you have to both resolve your issues for it to work.

  33. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Robin

    My attitude is healthy now, it took a while for me to get here. I was an angry victim until I put aside my wounded ego. Seeing past the ego and anger put things in perspective for me. I called him up and apologized for my role in the breakdown of the relationship. We both cried because we knew we had something special but we both didn’t do what we should have done to preserve it. I don’t see us getting back together any time soon because we each have so much to work on, but reaching out to him was a good start. You helped me take that first step, I will always be grateful.

  34. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Brady

    i’m a man and i used to be like this in the WORST way. i suffered some abuse/poverty as a child blah blah blah .. in a past relationship, i tried so hard to help my ex with her problems. but all i did was make things worse because i kept pushing on her my solutions and my timeline. i made her think she couldn’t live up to my standards. it got emotionally abusive, though i’ve never laid a hand on her. now she’s already a self-doubting girl and everything i pushed on her just made her feel more and more trapped on top of her own personal problems. she only started to close up to me and the more i tried to pry, the worse it got (it was the same way with my father and me). finally, she just got rid of me. that was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me. losing someone i cared very deeply for was my wake-up call. honestly, i’m a great person and a hilarious guy. and not to toot my own horn, but she was madly in love with me. but i was all wrong for her. i had a dark side that i wouldn’t have made the time to recognize and mend with her still in the picture. i have learned so much from that break-up. i’m well on my way to healing myself and my new no-pressure attitude is even winning me slow but steady points back towards my ex. self-knowledge and self-improvement are amazing things. i think having gone through this makes me appreciate life and love even more than those who were just raised right in the first place.

    1. Welcome home to appreciating life and loving more, Brady!

      So many people cause heartache and pain for themselves by trying to control everything and everyone. It’s a non-stop state of struggle at best and not possible at worst.

      I’m really happy for you and hope that this will be the beginning of a wonderful relationship for you and for your ex.

  35. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Carmelo

    I’ve recently been separated from my boyfriend of one year. Intellectually I’m trying to be zen about it, see it as a gift, but man, it’s hard…

  36. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: citywalker

    Yangki, I train employees on communication and conflict resolution in the workplace here in Bangladesh and your post is right with everything I always tell my trainees. If you go into a situation expecting a fight/stress you will start one or create more tension. It’s like self-prophesy. What is surprising is that most people are surprised or upset when the other person responds with a fight/stress. They cry victim when they are part of the problem.

    Great advice on relationships on your site. I’ve signed up for your newsletter even though I’m happily married.

    1. Thank you, Citywalker. It’s not mainstream/traditional what I teach and promote, so to have someone else say they teach the same thing is really encouraging. I’ve had people tell me… this love and caring thing you teach does not apply to my situation… and I’m sitting there thinking… so what applies to your situation?

      I don’t necessarily want to say it’s a “personality type” because that means someone can not change. But I agree with you that there are people who are naturally confrontational, aggressive, downbeat and critical and it’s a struggle for them to change their ways. They somehow think they can force, harass, threaten or manipulate love, affection or friendship out of others, but all they get back is rejection, pain and hurt. And you’re right, they cry victim refusing to see that they create their own reality.

      The only thing that creates love is love itself. NO EXCEPTION to the rule!

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