Question:I read your article: A Break Shouldn’t Become A Break-Up and need your help because I think our break is headed towards a divorce.
We have been married for 11 years, dated for 2. She’s asked for a break saying the relationship is sucking the life out f her and she feels like a shell of her former self. She says she still loves me and is attracted to me but feels bored being with me. My question is, is boredom a valid reason to leave or could there be another reason that she’s not telling me? Also is it possible to stop a break when someone feels you suck the life out of them? I don’t want to waste my time trying to stop this break if there is not chance for us?
Yangki’s Answer: Yes, it’s normal for people to break-up because one or both parties feel that the relationship is not giving them the kind of stimulation, inspiration or pleasure that they need to feel excited about being in a relationship with someone.
In fact boredom can kill a relationship faster than you can say “Honey, what’s wrong?”
It doesn’t matter that you think the person shouldn’t be bored, if she (or he) is bored, there’ll be no “happiness” for you either.
That’s why it’s important not to get all upset and defensive when she points out that she’s bored with the relationship. Instead try to find out the source of her boredom or why she lost the excitement of being in a relationship with you.
Knowing the source of boredom can help you take a realistic inventory of which areas of your life need your attention and take control of how you are evolving as an individual — and as a (potential ) partner.
May be you fell into a routine, may be you stopped growing and evolving, may be you stopped paying her the attention and affection that made her feel excited about being in a relationship with you. If she can see whatever is making her feel bored changing in a way that gives her the kind of stimulation, inspiration or pleasure that she needs to feel excited about being in a relationship with you, she may reconsider the break and not initiate a divorce.
This is not to say that that sometimes there will not be moments when things are not as interesting as they should be or as she needs them to be. All relationships have those down-times. Anyone who expects a hyper or frenzied non-stop thrill ride is probably too young or emotionally unstable to be in a relationship.
The difference is that the down-times don’t destabilize the relationship because both of you know that it’s just a “low-energy moment” in the relationship. It’s not going to always be boring. Next week, tomorrow or the next minute can be a completely different experience.
Thank you, this was very helpful. She and I and the kids spent the weekend together, the fist civil weekend we’ve spent in a long time. I noticed her looking at me intently when I was playing with the kids and when I caught her eye she smiled. After putting the kids to sleep, we sat outside talking mostly about our friends. I didn’t bring up the breakup and it was really good. The problem is, I don’t know where to go from here. Please help?
Since you are just beginning to see a change in your dynamic, I wouldn’t advice shaking things up too much or even rushing anything. Continue trying to build goodwill and showing her the more relaxed and fun side of you. You don’t have to wait to be in her presence to do this, use any opportunity you have… through text, email, phone call etc. to show her that things can and will get better.
I read your blog regularly and find it insightful and refreshing. I’ve a strong feeling your advice is targeted to a certain group of people because I don’t think we are all deep enough to grasp the concepts that you so ably impart. To truly appreciate you and your work, one needs to be operating from a certain level of consciousness. I don’t think many of us are there yet, unfortunately.
I’ll take that as a compliment… thank you…. (:
I try to give advice that I hope will benefit all kinds of people. As a realist however, I am aware that the advice i give will resonate with some people and not with others, may even put some people off.
We all are where we are in our consciousness – and it’s exactly where we’re supposed to be.
I’m an Artist and because of the economy, my creativity suffered as I had to take a bartending job to make ends meet. This is also when my relationship fell part. She said I was no longer the fun guy I used to be and that she loved me but the relationship had lost it’s spark. She was right. I was depressed, drunk a lot and had no energy left for anything else. Therapy helped me see how losing my creativity was connected to my relationship falling apart. I’m still in therapy but no longer feel depressed or drink. I’m working on some projects and feeling really good about myself. All my friends notice the change in me. Hopefully someday I can get her back but for now I need to focus on me.
I’m glad you were able to make the connection between your creativity and lose of spark in the relationship. I also think focusing on yourself for now is the best move. It’ll be much easier to convince her things will be different when she can see it for herself that “they are already different!” Best of luck!