Question:I read your article: A Break Shouldn’t Become A Break-Up and need your help because I think our break is headed towards a divorce.
We have been married for 11 years, dated for 2. She’s asked for a break saying the relationship is sucking the life out f her and she feels like a shell of her former self. She says she still loves me and is attracted to me but feels bored being with me. My question is, is boredom a valid reason to leave or could there be another reason that she’s not telling me? Also is it possible to stop a break when someone feels you suck the life out of them? I don’t want to waste my time trying to stop this break if there is not chance for us?
Yangki’s Answer: Yes, it’s normal for people to break-up because one or both parties feel that the relationship is not giving them the kind of stimulation, inspiration or pleasure that they need to feel excited about being in a relationship with someone.
In fact boredom can kill a relationship faster than you can say “Honey, what’s wrong?”
It doesn’t matter that you think the person shouldn’t be bored, if she (or he) is bored, there’ll be no “happiness” for you either.
That’s why it’s important not to get all upset and defensive when she points out that she’s bored with the relationship. Instead try to find out the source of her boredom or why she lost the excitement of being in a relationship with you.
Knowing the source of boredom can help you take a realistic inventory of which areas of your life need your attention and take control of how you are evolving as an individual — and as a (potential ) partner.
May be you fell into a routine, may be you stopped growing and evolving, may be you stopped paying her the attention and affection that made her feel excited about being in a relationship with you. If she can see whatever is making her feel bored changing in a way that gives her the kind of stimulation, inspiration or pleasure that she needs to feel excited about being in a relationship with you, she may reconsider the break and not initiate a divorce.
This is not to say that that sometimes there will not be moments when things are not as interesting as they should be or as she needs them to be. All relationships have those down-times. Anyone who expects a hyper or frenzied non-stop thrill ride is probably too young or emotionally unstable to be in a relationship.
The difference is that the down-times don’t destabilize the relationship because both of you know that it’s just a “low-energy moment” in the relationship. It’s not going to always be boring. Next week, tomorrow or the next minute can be a completely different experience.