This is an in-depth analysis of why your ex’s feelings for you changed; and how you can quickly change them back with the 3-1 Positivity Ratio.
Why did my ex’s feelings for you change? Did my ex truly love me if their feelings changed so quickly? These are questions almost every ex left wondering, “we were happy, what happened?” asks.
I’ll start with the easier question.
Did your ex truly love you if their feelings changed?
There is no universal meaning of “true love”. It is different for each person and can be different for each relationship. But while there is no universal meaning of true love (or even love), most people who have experienced have described enjoying the feeling generated by being with another person.
This “feeling love” is very personal that if you felt your ex truly loved you; then your ex truly loved you. Just because the relationship ended doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t true. Don’t let the hurt and pain you feel or what others say invalidate the special feeling you felt when you were together.
But if your ex truly loved you, why did your ex’s feelings for you change?
You may have read this many times in my writings: people want to be with us because of the way we make them feel about themselves. Selfish, you might think and you maybe right.
We all like to think that someone is with us because of who we are and what we bring to the relationship; and to a larger degree that’s so true. Who we are and what we bring to the relationship is what makes us attractive to a particular individual.
But relationships are a little more complex than that. Who we are and what we bring to the relationship is only of value to the other person if it actually translates into how it makes them feel about themselves.
This often has very little to do with love itself; and everything to do with how someone feels. To understand this even better is helps to understand what feelings are.
Feelings are our body responding to something that is happening to us. If being with someone makes us feel special, valued, attractive, worthy, safe, secure, etc., we will want to be with that person because of the feeling generated by being with them.
But if what is happening to us doesn’t feel make us feel “good” (special, valued, attractive, worthy, safe, secure etc.); how we feel will change.
Feelings don’t change on their own. They change because of what is happening to us
Feelings change over the course of a relationship depending on what is happening in the relationship. A change in feelings doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over, but it is an indication that something is happening in the relationship that if not addressed will end the relationship.
A break-up happens when one or both people decide that what is happening will most likely not change; and they don’t want to continue feeling the way they are feeling.
Again this doesn’t mean that your ex never truly loved you; or even that they have stopped loving you. It just means you no longer make them feel special, valued, attractive, worthy, safe, secure, etc.
Can your ex’s feelings for you change again?
Yes absolutely. Your ex’s feelings for you can change again depending on what is happening. Remember, feelings are our body responding to something that is happening to us. If you want your ex’s feelings for you to change you must make them feel that what is happening to them makes you ex feel good about being with you.
How do you quickly change back your ex’s feelings for you?
Go back to why your ex’s feelings changed in the first place. What was happening that was different from when the relationship started, and they were “feeling love”. What made your ex stop feeling special, valued, attractive, worthy, safe, secure, etc.?
Many of the techniques you maybe using to avoid pushing an ex away are not helping you change your ex’s feelings for you.
Like most people trying to attract back an ex, you want to know the common mistakes that push an ex away; mistakes that can ruin your chances with your ex. And if you are trying to get an ex with an avoidant attachment style; you want to avoid mistakes that might make them pull further away. But in the process of trying to avoid mistakes, you may be avoiding taking any action to make your ex feel special, valued, attractive, worthy, safe, secure, etc.
Actions taken to avoid a negative outcome (e.g., making mistakes, pushing your ex further away etc.) are known as avoidant coping, avoidance behaviours, or away-moves.
Think of all the times you spent countless hours over one negative aspect of a situation and it turned out that there was nothing to worry about. Still, your preoccupation with the negative aspect caused you to overlook many positive things in the situation.
The 3-to-1 positivity ratio
In addition to overlooking many positive things in the situation, avoidant coping does little to nothing to create positive experiences and positive feelings. The more time you spend avoiding your ex and avoiding a negative outcome, the less time you spend on creating experiences that change your ex’s feelings for you.
Scientists have discovered it takes three positive experiences to offset one negative experience. According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, positivity researcher at the University of North Carolina; for every heart-wrenching negative emotional experience you endure, you need to experience at least three heartfelt positive emotional experiences that uplift you.
This means that for every experience that made your ex feel unsafe for example, you need at least three heartfelt positive emotional experiences to make your ex start feeling that you are safe.
Make a decision today to start directing your time, creativity and focus on creating a 3:1 ratio of heartfelt positive emotional experiences; and quickly change your ex’s feelings for you.