What to Do If Your Ex Wants to Text But Won’t Meet You

When your ex asks to meet or see you, that’s a big deal. But if your ex wants to text but not meet, something is going on.

You re-established some form of contact and your ex is responding to your texts. It’s not clear if it’s a sign they want you back, but since they’re not blowing you off, you think… well… maybe I have a chance.

A week may be two go by, and you think, why not ask my ex out. Nothing serious, coffee, a drink, or just hang out with friends. But when you ask them to meet they give you some excuse or reason why they can’t go out with you.

You’re patient and wait a few days or may be a week or two. Your ex is still texting, emailing and even talking on the phone. They seem interested in talking to you but when you ask them out again, the answer is, “No, I can’t!”.

You are confused, but persistent. And again you wait, then ask again. But the answer is still “no” or “some other day”.

What do you do when your ex does not want to meet, do you?

  1. Give up because your ex is not interested in meeting
  2. Wait for them to ask to see you?
  3. Cut off all contact because your ex is stringing you along

Most people when their ex does not want to meet get frustrated and push harder (more pressure). Others completely pull back and do nothing. They’re too afraid to say anything or do anything that will seem like pressure.

In my opinion, both reactions; push harder or do nothing are a mistake.

If you get frustrated and start pushing too hard to meet for a face-to-face too early in the process or ask your ex out on too many dates too soon; they will feel that as “too much pressure” and pull away. On the other hand, if you wait for them to ask you to meet, you may never get to meet. And if you completely pull back or cut off contact, you will lose all the momentum you built up to this point. When later you contact them, you will be beginning from zero.

There are several reasons why your ex wants to text but not meet

Here are some of the most common reasons, your ex;

  • Is not ready to take things to the next level
  • Does not want to appear eager to get back with you
  • Is keeping you in limbo for their own selfish reasons
  • Maybe conflicted about how they feel or what they want

When your ex is conflicted, it means that they want to meet and are not against it, but they also worry that:

  • It will change the way things currently are, in a good or bad way
  • Their feeling for you will be so strong and they’ll make a decision they’ll regret
  • You will want more than they are willing or ready to give (push for more)
  • They’re still sexually attracted to you, and you might end up in bed; and it’s not something they want
  • They like talking to you via text but they don’t want you back

Some of this conflict has to do with your ex’s attachment style. I discuss how this plays out in another article; you will find the link below.

Think rationally instead of thinking emotionally

Whatever your ex’s reasons are for wanting to text but not meet, there is nothing that you can do to force your ex to meet you face-to face.

If you find yourself unable to get your ex to see you in person or go out on dates, the best thing you can do is remain rational.

Thinking rationally allows you to look at the situation more objectively, and not just from your own position. Thinking rationally also allows you to hear the (real) reason why your ex can’t see you face-to-face or hang out with you. When you know the reason behind the reason, it’s much easier to put in place a plan of action because then you see the complete picture.

In some instances, you may have to ask your ex why they do not want to see you, but that should be done very skillfully, or else it will backfire and completely derail you.

Keep track of the reasons or excuses your ex gives

It helps to keep track of the reasons or excuses or objections your ex gives you for not seeing you or going out with you and create a plan that takes into account their reasons for not meeting and makes it hard for them to use the same excuse again.

Make sure that before you ask to meet again that you have built enough momentum to increase the odds of them agreeing to meet and actually following through. Your plan of action should include how long you can wait to meet, and when you should walk away.

In short, the response to an ex who wants to text but not meet is not to push even harder or completely pull back or cut off contact. The response is to 1) keep an open mind and 2) understand the emotions that have brought things to a standstill and 3) tweak something in your approach to get the desired outcome.


Should I Wait For My Ex To Come Back? 1 Year Break-Up

Attract Back An Avoidant Ex Pt. 5 – Avoidant Wants to Text But Not Meet

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8 replies on “What to Do If Your Ex Wants to Text But Won’t Meet You”
  1. says: Jossy

    Yangki, we got to a point where we were officially dating again. Everything was going great but I started to push and he started to pull back. He still texts me and answers my texts but me I feel like he’s more closed off now. I asked to hang out with him twice, the first time he agreed the second time he said he wasn’t feeling well. My gut tells me he still cares about me but is scared because he doesn’t feel ready for things to become a relationship again. What do you think?

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      I think you are right. You may have moved too quickly and he pulled back. See if you can move more slowly than you did before. Don’t ask for another meet-up until you have some kind of momentum, or at least feel that he’s opening up to you again.

  2. says: katieNJ

    We talk on a regular basis and we bot initiate contacts. Over time, we have been having longer conversations and he is opening up more. But he refuses to see me. It’s been a year. Clearly I’m doing something wrong, but I’m not sure what. I’ve been following your tips to build emotional momentum, and it feels like I have to some degree, but he still won’t see me (I haven’t asked in a long time). Don’tknow what else I can do.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Without knowing the background of your relationship or what steps you’ve been taking for a year (some of that time was probably ‘no contact’), I can’t really tell what it is you are doing wrong. If you’d like, I’m happy to talk about your situation by phone – may be I can shed some light on what you are doing or not doing (or if there is something else) that’s causing him to stall.

      1. says: katieNJ

        No, we’ve been in contact the whole time. I don’t believe in no contact. I thought about it because that’s all the advice you see out there, but it seems wrong to me. He would be hurt if I cut him off that way and I would never, ever intentionally hurt him. He has always wanted to communicate with me. The last time I asked him about spending time together, he said he doesn’t know what the next steps are, and he doesn’t know how to get us back to where we were. I stopped asking about it. I’ve been focusing on having good conversations and building momentum.

  3. says: Cheyna

    Yangki, my ex says he does not want to hang out anymore because he still has feelings for me. He broke up with me but we have continued to be in contact, both of us initiating it. We were good friends and I do not want him out of my life even if we end up not getting back together. I do however want him back but I am not sure what to do. Everyone tells me to do not contact but it just doesn’t feel right in my case.

    1. This is a typical case of the feelings of love and attraction still strong, but the “relationship” part not working… and him afraid that hanging out with you will draw him back into a relationship that is not good for him.

      What you need to do is show him you are working on/or have worked on why you are not together as a couple.

      Whatever reason you broke up is the only thing keeping you apart.

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