What I Need Space Really Means

When the person you are in a relationship with says “I need some space” or “I need to find myself” or anything that suggests they want to get away from you, it doesn’t always mean they no longer love you. Someone can still love you with all his or her heart but want some space from you. Can still be sexually attracted and turned on by you, and still feel he or she needs to get away from you.

Needing space usually means that they feel that the relationship is suffocating them, and they need to get away from you so they can “breath”.

  • May be you are being too needy – asking/demanding more time and attention than they are willing or able to give you.
  • May be you are being too clingy – depending on him/her for you happiness.
  • May be you are too controlling – not allowing him/her to be him/herself and do things his/her way.

All these lead to someone feeling that need to get away from you.

The sad part about all this is that many needy people fail to recognize that they are needy and/or clingy until it’s too late.

They have all kinds of rational reasons why they do what they do and on the most part it’s the other person’s fault. It’s much easier to believe that someone is just confused about his or her feelings for us or doesn’t know what he/she wants because thinking this way is kinder to the ego. It’s face-saving, but it also blinds us to what we need to do to change the dynamics of the relationship or stop a break-up before it happens.

Clinging and neediness is created when you need or demand more than the other person is able, capable of or willing to give at the time.

Often times you just want someone to love you or show that they care about you, but because someone is not doing what you need them to do for you to feel loved and cared for, you get angry or sad, desperate and anxious, and even irrational and inconsiderate.

You start giving more and more to get just a little of what you need from the other person. And when the other person gets upset, irritated or turned off by your “love and acts of caring”, you’re confused because you don’t understand why when you are giving them what they should be giving you (but aren’t), they still don’t want it.

To most healthy men and women, clinging and neediness equals suffocation, confinement or restriction; because you are trying to control their ability to act the way they want or wish to, or to live their lives without your input.

You may not even generally call yourself a needy person because you have an independent life — a wide social network, other interests and hobbies, a demanding career etc — but if you’re constantly frustrated because you feel that the other person is not acting how you want them to, and as a result you do not feel loved and cared for, to the other person you are needy and clingy.

Demanding that someone love you or show you that they care in the way you need or want them to, is one of the fastest ways to end a relationship.

If you really love someone and want to be with them, but are being told “I need some space” or “I need time to find myself”, it makes more sense for you to find ways to be less needy and clingy.

As long as you are unaware of your needy and clingy behaviours, or in denial about it, you will continue with the same behaviours until you drive away the person you love — may be for good.

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Lara

Dear Yangki, I noticed that there is an age limit for working with you via phone. I am 22, my ex is 26. Is there a possibility to make an exception? I consider my relationship with him as way too valuable to let go, and I could use some advice. I also have your 2 books. I am looking forward hearing from you, have a nice day!

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Spacewoman

My ex texts me 1-2 times a week and says he still cares a lot about me but we both need time away from each other to work on our issues. He says it’s just a break and not a breakup. After only a week of no contact he sent me a text saying that we don’t have to be strangers. I’m only respecting his request for space but wrecking my mind here because I don’t know what he wants.

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Damilare

I wish I had come across an expose as this before things got out of hand. I was clingy/needy, my partner asked for space but to feed my ego I called it quits, now am trying to get back but she claims she has no feelings for me anymore,although we still communicate in a friendly manner.I really miss and want her back!

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