Why Your Ex Lied About Seeing Someone Else (What To Do)

You asked your ex if they were seeing someone else and they said they were not. Later you find out that your ex is actually seeing someone else. So why did your ex lie? Why didn’t they just tell you the truth? Do you just keep quite and pretend nothing is bothering you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business or should you confront your ex?

Reasons why your ex lied about seeing someone else

• The most obvious one is your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because they genuinely care about you. Not a very good excuse for lying, but an understandable one.
• If there is a history of jealousy, needy behaviour or any kind of emotional outbursts, chances are your ex probably feared that talking about going out with someone else would create an emotionally-charged situation, and they weren’t ready for a shout-out, tears of tantrums.
• Your ex thinks it’s none of your business. You’re not back together and so going out on a date with someone else is not like they are cheating.

What to when you find out they lied?

No one wants to be lied to, but according to experts and research, people often have real reasons for lying, and sometimes those reasons are even out of concern for you. If you’re hoping to get back together be honest and open about what you know about them seeing someone else without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.

1. Make sure you’re calm and collected before approaching your ex

Whatever you do, don’t let your emotions get in the way of getting back your ex.

For all you know, unless you actually saw your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate. And if you didn’t discuss not going out on dates or seeing other people while you “see where things go”, your ex might just think it’s not something you want to hear and didn’t tell you to avoid hurting your feelings.

So make sure you’re calm and collected before approaching your ex, and remain calm throughout the conversation.

2. Go for constructive dialogue, and not a confrontation

Go for the cooperative solution-oriented forward-looking approach. It’d sound something like this:

“You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We’ve had our ups and downs but look at us, we’re still friends. This past weekend, however, you told me that you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were out on a date. I fully understand we’re not back together but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you were out on a date, would you tell me?

3. Follow with a forward-looking empathetic response

Listen to your ex’s response without interrupting, then after your ex is done taking, follow with a cooperative solution-oriented response:

“I understand. I’ve made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have caused you to feel that you could not tell me you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things such as this will give me the opportunity to practice being more trusting of my own judgement and of others. As my friend, I may need your help from time to time. Will you help me?”

Most people are generally more comfortable talking freely when you are asking for their help other than accusing them; and when you’re focused on the solution rather than the problem. And if approached this way, your ex will likely admit that they lied to you about seeing someone else. They may even tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.

The cooperation-seeking approach may at first seem like you acted “weak”

If your ex senses fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, they’ll counter attack and force you to back off, and you’ll end up feeling petty, insecure and angry. But a forward-thinking, forward-looking, cooperative approach that does not compromise your values (openness, honesty and trust ) has tremendous advantages.

1. You’re being totally honest;
2. You’re non-threatening and non-confrontational;
3. You’re telling your ex that you want him or her not to lie to you again;
4. You’re telling your ex that you want him or her to know you are working on yourself and becoming a “new you” different from the person he or she broke up with and;
5. You got your ex to agree on something you can work on together as a team.

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How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Feels About You Seeing Someone Else