You asked your ex if they were seeing someone else and they said they were not. Later you find out that your ex is actually seeing someone else. So why did your ex lie about seeing someone else? Why didn’t they just tell you the truth? Do you just keep quite and pretend nothing is bothering you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business or should you confront your ex?
How should you react to your ex seeing someone else?
There is no ‘normal” reaction to an ex seeing someone new or dating someone new. I would even go as far as saying, there is no normal way to feel about anything whether you are secure, anxious, fearful or have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. How you feel is always the right feeling. You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling a certain way. You are human above everything else.
But while there is no right or wrong way to feel about an ex seeing other people or dating someone new, there is a constructive and relationship building way to respond and a relationship-damaging way to respond or react.
No reaction where one is expected to feel or show some emotion may look like a show of emotional strength, but in interpersonal relationships, and especially when you still want your ex back, acting like you are not bothered or pretending like your ex is not in a new relationship will make your ex wonder if they ever knew you or if they can trust you to be genuine and authentic.
But what hurts your chances more than anything else is when you become ‘too bothered” by the fact that your ex is in a new relationship. Like I said, some kind of ‘reaction’ is normal and even expected, what is not normal is getting so distraught that you:
- Overthink things so much that your subjective perception distorts your reality.
- Are incapable of thinking about anything else. It’s all you think about, research about, talk about.
- Seriously “lose it” and act full-on crazy.
These reactions do not protect your best interest, respect and dignity; and they certainly are not in the best interest of a future relationship with your ex. Some people even react without knowing the facts about what is really going on. Not only do they make complete fools of themselves and earn the title of “the crazy ex”; they keep making things worse because they can’t bring themselves to keep it together.
If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I’d say “lose the loser” too, but if not, there are many reasons why your ex lied about seeing someone else.
Reasons why your ex lied about seeing someone else
- The most obvious one is your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because they genuinely care about you. Not a very good excuse for lying, but an understandable one.
- If there is a history of jealousy, needy behaviour or any kind of emotional outbursts, chances are your ex probably feared that talking about going out with someone else would create an emotionally-charged situation, and they weren’t ready for a shout-out, tears of tantrums.
- Your ex thinks it’s none of your business. You’re not back together and so going out on a date with someone else is not like they are cheating.
Before you accuse your ex of lying, make sure you have concrete proof that they’re seeing someone else or at the least your ex is showing signs they’re lying about seeing someone else.
Here are top 7 signs your ex is lying about seeing someone else
- Has a new friend (or friends) – Your ex has a new friend or hangs out with a group of new friends with no specific names or genders.
- Unusually active on social media – They’re more active on social media than they’ve been before (or ever been) and mostly posting photos of themselves and talking themselves up to appear more attractive.
- Following a new person on Instagram – They’re following a new person on Instagram and reacting to their stories often, and really seem so interested in them.
- Unusually upbeat – They seem really happy and always in a good mood but doesn’t want to share why or are very vague about details.
- Contact you less and less – One sign things are progressing with an ex is contact progressively increases, but if contact is progressively decreasing and it takes longer and longer for your ex to respond to texts, there is a chance your ex is seeing someone else and their needs for connection and relationship are being met by that person.
- Change in appearance – Your ex’s new look may be to impress you, but if they care more or talk more about what other people say about how they look than what you think, then the new appearance is likely to impress someone else.
- Asks you about your dating life – It’s normal for exes to ask each other about the others’ dating life but if your ex asks about your dating life but is secretive about theirs, it’s likely there is someone they’re particularly interested in.
(More: 20 Signs Avoidant Ex Is Lying About Seeing Someone Else)
What to you do if you suspect your ex is lying about seeing someone else?
No one wants to be lied to, but according to experts and research, people often have real reasons for lying, and sometimes those reasons are even out of concern for you. If you’re hoping to get back together be honest and open about what you know about them seeing someone else without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.
1. Make sure you’re calm and collected before approaching your ex
Whatever you do, don’t let your emotions get in the way of getting back your ex. For all you know, unless you actually saw your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate. And if you didn’t discuss not going out on dates or seeing other people while you “see where things go”, your ex might just think it’s not something you want to hear and didn’t tell you to avoid hurting your feelings.
So make sure you’re calm and collected before approaching your ex, and remain calm throughout the conversation.
2. Go for constructive dialogue — and not a confrontation
Go for the cooperative solution-oriented forward-looking approach. It’d sound something like this:
“You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We’ve had our ups and downs but look at us, we’re still friends. This past weekend, however, you told me that you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were out on a date. I fully understand we’re not back together but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you were out on a date, would you tell me?
3. Follow with a forward-looking empathetic response
Listen to your ex’s response without interrupting, then after your ex is done taking, follow with a cooperative solution-oriented response:
“I understand. I’ve made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have caused you to feel that you could not tell me you were going out on a date. I am working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things such as this will give me the opportunity to practice being more trusting of my own judgement and of others. As my friend, I may need your help from time to time. Will you help me?”
Most people are generally more comfortable talking freely when you are asking for their help other than accusing them; and when you’re focused on the solution rather than the problem. And if approached this way, your ex will likely admit that they lied to you about seeing someone else. They may even tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.
The cooperation-seeking approach may at first seem like you acted “weak”
If your ex senses fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, they’ll counter attack and force you to back off, and you’ll end up feeling petty, insecure and angry. But a forward-thinking, forward-looking, cooperative approach that does not compromise your values (openness, honesty and trust ) has tremendous advantages.
- You’re being totally honest;
- You’re non-threatening and non-confrontational;
- You’re telling your ex that you want him or her not to lie to you again;
- You’re telling your ex that you want him or her to know you are working on yourself and becoming a “new you” different from the person he or she broke up with and;
- You got your ex to agree on something you can work on together as a team.
More about handling potentially explosive situations using a cooperative-seeking, forward-looking approach, including more examples can be found in my eBook, Dating Your Ex.
RELATED:
What Happens When An Avoidant Ex Gets Jealous?
How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Feels About You Seeing Someone Else
This post was very timely. I’ve been trying to “get over”my ex’s lie or at least try to work out what I can do to come to terms with doubts about him.