There are two most important goals every person trying to get their ex should aim for: connection and cooperation. In my opinion, these must be the foundation of any plan or strategy for getting back an ex. Without connection and cooperation, you might as well be hitting your head against a wall.
I have written so much about connection. In this post, I am going to focus on cooperation.
Cooperation with an ex does not mean you agree on everything, but that you are in agreement on the most important things.
Some people are able to achieve cooperation right from the initial stages of trying to get their ex back, but most experience isolated moments of cooperation which in most cases are too few to move things forward to where your ex is in agreement as to where things are headed, and the possibility of getting back together.
Sometimes lack of cooperation comes from your ex.
- May be he/she has made up his/her mind that he does not want to try things again, no matter what.
- May be he/she wants to be single for a while and not be bogged down by the demands and responsibilities of being in a relationship.
- May be he/she is still upset or angry about some things that happened in the relationship, during the break-up, or post break-up.
- May be he/she just wants to take things more slowly, at his/her pace.
- May be whatever is going on has nothing to do with you/relationship (e.g. fear of commitment, depression, drug or alcohol problems, ex-spouse etc)
In my experience however, the lack of cooperation from an ex has to do with the person trying to get their ex back.
- You have not dealt with your emotions in a healthy way and they are interfering with any efforts you be making to try to get your ex back.
- You are playing too many mind game and/or played mind games in the past so much that your ex is now suspicious of anything you say or do, even well-intentioned actions.
- You are too needy, pushy, demanding or confrontational.
Most of the time, too needy, pushy, demanding or confrontational go together, but sometimes one can be needy and not pushy or demanding; needy but not confrontational; or pushy but not needy etc.
Some men and women are generally pushy and demanding, it’s their style, personality or nature, whatever you want to call it. When I see it in my clients, I tell them it’s something they need to work on. Some are receptive to “loving” criticism, but some immediately go on the defensive and/or even offence. They don’t even see what’s wrong with what they are doing, and others actually think being pushy and demanding is a positive quality.
In a career environment, when it comes to business success or competitive sports etc, pushy and demanding are indeed positive qualities of someone who is self-driven and gets-the-job done. But these same qualities in a relationship are problematic.
It’s so easy to see why even someone who isn’t usually pushy and demanding can get that way with an ex. Until you actually get to that point when he/she says “yes, let’s try the relationship again”, everything is uncertain, and the unknown can be both upsetting and scary.
The fear of the unknown is even worse when your break-up emotions are still raw and intense. You want to feel better again, you want to be happy again, you want to feel loved again, and one person holds the key to all of that.
All they have to do is open their hearts again, and instead they are saying “no”, sending you “mixed signals” or making you wait. So you push thinking that if you push hard enough, your ex will see how much you love him/her and take you back, or will finally get tired of resisting and give in.
If you are overanxious, needy or too self-centred, your communication will inevitably be negative, pushy, demanding and confrontational. Your ex will quite often respond with pushing back, mixed signals, or no respond at all.
Some exes will take a wait-and-see attitude hoping that not giving in to your pushy and demanding ways will make you realize that you need to change, in order for things to move forward.