Why Your Ex Hates You So Much – And Is Mean To You?

Okay, so the break-up happened, but why does your ex hate you so much? There was no infidelity. You were not abusive. And you treated them right. So why the hate? Should you be concerned that your ex hates you? Is there anything you can do to stop them from hating you and being mean to you?

Some break-ups are amicable and others are bitter and nasty. Some people stay friends after a breakup, and others want to forget they ever knew each other’s name. Then there are exes that say they want to remain friends, but then they start acting really cold and mean?

The most difficult to understand is an ex seems to hate you for no reason. They ended the relationship, so why do they hate you?

You even left them alone and did not contact them for months. But they still angry for some reason. They ignore your texts messages and phone call for days, even weeks. They see you and quickly walk away or ignore you altogether. Sometimes they talk to you (even initiate contact) only to start telling what a bad person you are. How much you hurt them and how better of they are without you. They tell you about this or that great person they’re seeing. Sometimes they go out of their way to be affectionate and flirtatious with others when you are around. And whatever you say or do, all your best intentions are met with hostility, resentment, anger, and worse.

Why does someone who said they loved you now hate you so much?

Some exes hate you and act mean because they really want you gone. It’s a passive aggressive behaviour where someone feels that if they’re mean and cruel to you, you’ll get the message and leave them alone. The feel that they’ve tried everything to communicate to you that it is over and you should move on; but you are still around.

You trying to hang on to them or be a part of their life irritates them and makes them act mean to you.

Why don’t they just tell you to get lost instead of intentionally trying to hurt you?

If the break-up was not nasty or if your ex broke up with you, they may be struggling with a combination of pity and guilt. They feel pity for you because you are a really “good” human being, but they just don’t have those romantic or love feelings for you anymore. They feel guilt because they can not love you as you love them and that in some ways makes them a “bad” person. The combination of pity and guilt gets under their skin, literally, making them angry at you for making them feel this way. Your sad puppy-face doesn’t help.

Could it be that they still has feelings for you?

It is possible that your ex is not over caring for you. Their cold, mean and cruel behaviour is their way of trying to deal with the feelings they still have but do not want to feel. You can usually tell an ex is dealing with conflicted feelings by how they go back and forth. One day they are so loving and kind and the next mean and cruel. Their reaction to you reflects what they feel at that time or on that day.

But if someone is angry, mean and cruel to you all the time, with no “loving and caring” breaks in between, they want you gone, like really gone!

But it could also be that your ex is angry about the break-up. This short video explains why exes who regret losing you and regret the break-up sometimes act angry and mean.

Does your ex have to hate you that much and be so cruel?

A majority of relationships where an ex acts cruelly post-break-up were toxic to begin with. It’s rare for a healthy relationship to go toxic and unhealthy post-break-up. For some exes, it’s a power/control thing. If they can control how you feel, they control you. For others, they interpret your pain as “you still care for them” and that makes them feel good in a twisted way.

If this is what is happening to you, and you are still trying to get your ex back, you need to ask yourself, “Is this person treating me with love and respect?”, “Is this the kind of man or woman I want to spend the rest of my life with?”, “What kind of life would that be?”

Should you then leave your ex alone and move on?

It depends. If this is your ex just being their usual mean and cruel self, it may be best for your own good to move away from the emotional abuse. But if your ex is a kind and caring person who would never act mean or cruel unless forced to, then you need to look at yourself. May be your refusal to accept reality or your your needy and clingy actions are forcing your ex to try to push you away. Work on changing you, and see if they start warming up to you again.

Sometimes it’s them, but sometimes it’s really you.

RELATED:

How to Respond to An Angry and Hurt Ex (And Avoid A Fight)

Do Avoidants Apologize When They Hurt You?

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27 Comments

  1. says: Fooba

    I did not handle the final stages of the relationship well and that impacted on my ex’s decision to move on. I just wish I had found this site sooner because now she has asked me not to contact her. I honestly can’t blame her I would do the same if the tables had been reversed.

  2. says: Nathan

    So me and my ex broke up a while ago and now she is just being plain nasty. Like she blocked me on all social media, If I see her she turns away or stares at the ground, she actually will not even look in my direction, just really passive aggressive stuff and she used to be the sweetest nicest couldn’t hurt a fly kind of girl. She broke up with me because she needed to work on “anxiety” issues and I’m completely over her now. Is she doing this because she still has feelings for me? and if so how do I go about telling her its not going to happen.

    1. You’re completely over her why does it matter what she’s doing or why. May be she’s more over you than you are over her that’s why she blocked you from social media and turns away or stares at the ground when you try to catch her eye. See, two can play that game.

  3. says: Canpher

    My ex and I had a horrible fight and we ended breaking up. I have sent her several texts and a couple of emails with no response. My sister who she was close to was recently diagnosed with cancer and posted it on her FB but my ex hasn’t reached to either my sister or I. We were together for 4 years, shared an apartment for one year and were engaged to be married. I know that life goes on and you just have to do the best you can.

  4. says: Sania

    Yangki, I wish I had found your site four months ago. Unfortunately, I followed the no contact advice and after two months of no contact my ex suddenly contacted me wanting to meet. I made the mistake of thinking he wanted me back and after sleeping with him six times he said he was not interested in getting back together. He actually laughed when he said it. I was more hurt because in the end he used me and I fell for it. I should have just moved on. It’s been over a month and I still cry thinking about it. I just wanted to reach out to someone who’ll understand. Thanks you for reading.

  5. says: Sonia

    I think people fear letting go because it means that you are supposed to stop loving that person or you need to erase them from your life completely. Once we accept that it is ok to both love them AND accept things have ended, then we can begin to move on.

  6. says: Dave

    I know what I did wrong and where things went wrong. We generally got along very well before the break up. I’m being met with this even though she had expressed interest in maintaining contact with me. At this point I just want to reconnect as friends while I continue working on myself. I’m going to leave her alone for a couple months.

    Any suggestions on how to reconnect in a situation like this?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Unfortunately, I do not have any suggestions or advice.

      “No contact”, “limited contact” and “giving space” are all fear/avoidance based strategies in that they encourage moving away from what you want instead of moving towards it. They are all in conflict with what I advice and encourage, and that is, moving towards your ex, openly, fearlessly and in an emotionally healthy, mature and smart way.

      Using “no contact”, “limited contact” and “giving space” while at the same time following my advice is likely to create ‘avoidance-approach’ conflict where you try to move towards your ex, make things worse, move away, then try to move towards again. After sometime you give up because there is no progress or because you’ve completely pushed her away to a point of no return.

  7. says: Nini

    We were happy together, I don’t understand what happened to make him not want me anymore. I was a wonderful girlfriend to him and I’m so scared that he still loves me but doesn’t realize it. I think he’s trying to kill his feelings for me and I don’t understand why.

    1. May be if you got out of denial and accepted that his feelings for you indeed changed, it’d help you understand why. You can’t see when his feelings for you started changing or what you can do to make them come back when you don’t even accept, let alone acknowledge that his feelings changed.

      Also someone can still love you, but not feel IN love with you.

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