Why Your Ex Hates You So Much – And Is Mean To You?

Okay, so the break-up happened, but why does your ex hate you so much? There was no infidelity. You were not abusive. And you treated them right. So why the hate? Should you be concerned that your ex hates you? Is there anything you can do to stop them from hating you and being mean to you?

Some break-ups are amicable and others are bitter and nasty. Some people stay friends after a breakup, and others want to forget they ever knew each other’s name. Then there are exes that say they want to remain friends, but then they start acting really cold and mean?

The most difficult to understand is an ex seems to hate you for no reason. They ended the relationship, so why do they hate you?

You even left them alone and did not contact them for months. But they still angry for some reason. They ignore your texts messages and phone call for days, even weeks. They see you and quickly walk away or ignore you altogether. Sometimes they talk to you (even initiate contact) only to start telling what a bad person you are. How much you hurt them and how better of they are without you. They tell you about this or that great person they’re seeing. Sometimes they go out of their way to be affectionate and flirtatious with others when you are around. And whatever you say or do, all your best intentions are met with hostility, resentment, anger, and worse.

Why does someone who said they loved you now hate you so much?

Some exes hate you and act mean because they really want you gone. It’s a passive aggressive behaviour where someone feels that if they’re mean and cruel to you, you’ll get the message and leave them alone. The feel that they’ve tried everything to communicate to you that it is over and you should move on; but you are still around.

You trying to hang on to them or be a part of their life irritates them and makes them act mean to you.

Why don’t they just tell you to get lost instead of intentionally trying to hurt you?

If the break-up was not nasty or if your ex broke up with you, they may be struggling with a combination of pity and guilt. They feel pity for you because you are a really “good” human being, but they just don’t have those romantic or love feelings for you anymore. They feel guilt because they can not love you as you love them and that in some ways makes them a “bad” person. The combination of pity and guilt gets under their skin, literally, making them angry at you for making them feel this way. Your sad puppy-face doesn’t help.

Could it be that they still has feelings for you?

It is possible that your ex is not over caring for you. Their cold, mean and cruel behaviour is their way of trying to deal with the feelings they still have but do not want to feel. You can usually tell an ex is dealing with conflicted feelings by how they go back and forth. One day they are so loving and kind and the next mean and cruel. Their reaction to you reflects what they feel at that time or on that day.

But if someone is angry, mean and cruel to you all the time, with no “loving and caring” breaks in between, they want you gone, like really gone!

But it could also be that your ex is angry about the break-up. This short video explains why exes who regret losing you and regret the break-up sometimes act angry and mean.

Does your ex have to hate you that much and be so cruel?

A majority of relationships where an ex acts cruelly post-break-up were toxic to begin with. It’s rare for a healthy relationship to go toxic and unhealthy post-break-up. For some exes, it’s a power/control thing. If they can control how you feel, they control you. For others, they interpret your pain as “you still care for them” and that makes them feel good in a twisted way.

If this is what is happening to you, and you are still trying to get your ex back, you need to ask yourself, “Is this person treating me with love and respect?”, “Is this the kind of man or woman I want to spend the rest of my life with?”, “What kind of life would that be?”

Should you then leave your ex alone and move on?

It depends. If this is your ex just being their usual mean and cruel self, it may be best for your own good to move away from the emotional abuse. But if your ex is a kind and caring person who would never act mean or cruel unless forced to, then you need to look at yourself. May be your refusal to accept reality or your your needy and clingy actions are forcing your ex to try to push you away. Work on changing you, and see if they start warming up to you again.

Sometimes it’s them, but sometimes it’s really you.


How to Respond to An Angry and Hurt Ex (And Avoid A Fight)

Do Avoidants Apologize When They Hurt You?

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  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Alice

    Pretty much all the things I don’t like about him are showing up in the way he is acting after we broke up. It was painful for me to end things with him even though I knew it was the right thing to do. We fought a lot mainly because he was extremely jealous and would give me the silent treatment for weeks. He is now telling everyone that I disrespected him by cheating on him. He sends me texts saying I wasted 4 year of his life and calls me names, then says how much he loves me and is hurting. I still care about him but I feel like he has a lot of emotional immaturity issues he needs to work through.

    1. That’s why they say don’t marry someone until you’ve at least broken up once… People’s worst traits and childhood issues show up when emotions take over and rational thinking goes out the back door.

      But in your situation, his worst traits are not just about being hurt over the breakup, and they go beyond emotional immaturity.

      I hope that you do not take him back until he’s had major therapy. His “issues” will escalate to physical abuse, and worse.

    1. If we operated only on very basic emotions (fear, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise) like most animals or didn’t have human emotions (like computers), it’d be easy to simply “program” a relationship and have it work exactly how we program it.

      Complex emotions make human beings unpredictable. Many of us don’t handle “unpredictability” very well. Those that do, are better with and at relationships in general.

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Eva

    Yangki, I’ve been reading your articles for a while and I must say the way you explain human relationships makes it seem so simple. I almost want to ask if it is really that simple but I guess it is because some of your advice that I have implemented delivered. Am I right to think relationships are that simple, or not?

    1. Human relationships are complicated simply because humans are complicated (mostly because of our emotions).

      But understanding human relationships is simple, really is.

      It’s us that make understanding relationships complicated because we over think them (*wink*), over-generalize by gender or otherwise, want one thing but say/act directly opposite to what we want, or follow stupid rules that have nothing to do with how humans relate in a healthy way.

      What I try to do is remind us of the basics which we all deep inside already know. It is the fact that you ALREADY KNOW these things that make it seem so simple.

      But not for everyone of course. Some of us still want to complicate everything to justify why we struggle (ego!)…

      I recommend reading: Love Is Not Supposed To Hurt But Why…

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Vesper

    Yangki, you are going to be crucified for telling the truth. So many women especially American women believe and act like everything that goes wrong in the world or in their lives is the fault of men.

    1. I hear you. Sadly, there are so many men out there who also believe and act like everything that goes wrong in the world or in their lives is the fault of women. Most are single for a reason.

      I also get the “speaking from a man/woman’s point of view” type… Whatever they say is a “man/woman’s point of view” often does not reflect the views of the millions of men and women in the world.

      There are wonderful women and there are wonderful men, and there are not so wonderful (to put it politely) men and women out there. It would benefit both genders to start seeing and treating one another as individuals acting like individuals, not on behalf of one or the other gender.

      I’m willing to stand in the crossfires if it helps in some small way to get men and women working together so we all can have loving fulfilling relationships.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Shana

    I’m working through my emotions, thank you very much. At some point when I feel strong again, I will try to contact him and see if we can try the relationship again. But now no contact is what is best for me right now.

    What I find shocking about your comment is, if someone is narcissistic or has commitment issues, we can’t call them out on it? Right? Men do these horrible things to us and we’re supposed to just take it and not complain like the “good wife?” You don’t think that women suffer enough every day under the hands of men who lie, cheat and treat them like trash, then dump them?

    I’m sorry,, but you don’t know my ex. I was with this man for 8 months and he is everything I say he is, and more.

    1. No offense meant. You can call your ex anything you want, and you are right, I don’t know him. May be he is everything you say he is. But if he is as terrible as you say he is, why do you want him back? It just doesn’t make sense.

      All I’m saying is that if you want a relationship with someone or if you want to work through your hurt and move on without ending up bitter and with a victim mentality, you have to be willing to acknowledge and take responsibility for the experience you both helped create. He has his issues, but YOU picked him out of many, and YOU had a relationship with him. It’s not like you were in a comma when the relationship was happening.

      I know it’s not politically correct to say this, but there are narcissistic assclown commitment phobic women too!

      The “men are so horrible to us” card at some point gets too old. We can’t always be pointing fingers at the other gender without being honest with our own gender. Just because we are women doesn’t make us immune to all the things we say men are.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Shana

    My narcissistic assclown commitment phobe ex has stopped returning my texts and calls. This is a man who chased me for months. We were together for 8 months but every time we got close he pulled away, and it was always my fault. I was too pushy, complained too much or something. The day I told him I could not take him pulling away every time we got close anymore, either he wants to be with me or not. He broke up with me saying he didn’t feel for me the way he was supposed to feel. Immediately went full no contact. He started texting and calling me 5 – 10 times a day, begging in me to take him back because I was the most important person in his life. He finally broke me down. It’s only been two weeks and he’s playing mind games with me again. I can’t believe I fell in love with this narcissistic assclown. Women beware of these types.

    1. I feel your pain. Break-ups hurt. They hurt even when the relationship had so many problems and even when you were unhappy and wanted out. But you don’t need to give someone labels or call them names to work through your hurt feelings.

      Human beings are more complicated than the labels we give them, and people do lose interest or fall out of love. It’s all part of the human experience. It doesn’t always mean there is something wrong with someone because he/she lost interest in you or doesn’t want a relationship with you. It doesn’t mean that there is something necessarily wrong with you either. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

      Work through the hurt feelings and try to move on.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Fooba

    I did not handle the final stages of the relationship well and that impacted on my ex’s decision to move on. I just wish I had found this site sooner because now she has asked me not to contact her. I honestly can’t blame her I would do the same if the tables had been reversed.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nathan

    So me and my ex broke up a while ago and now she is just being plain nasty. Like she blocked me on all social media, If I see her she turns away or stares at the ground, she actually will not even look in my direction, just really passive aggressive stuff and she used to be the sweetest nicest couldn’t hurt a fly kind of girl. She broke up with me because she needed to work on “anxiety” issues and I’m completely over her now. Is she doing this because she still has feelings for me? and if so how do I go about telling her its not going to happen.

    1. You’re completely over her why does it matter what she’s doing or why. May be she’s more over you than you are over her that’s why she blocked you from social media and turns away or stares at the ground when you try to catch her eye. See, two can play that game.

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Canpher

    My ex and I had a horrible fight and we ended breaking up. I have sent her several texts and a couple of emails with no response. My sister who she was close to was recently diagnosed with cancer and posted it on her FB but my ex hasn’t reached to either my sister or I. We were together for 4 years, shared an apartment for one year and were engaged to be married. I know that life goes on and you just have to do the best you can.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Sania

    Yangki, I wish I had found your site four months ago. Unfortunately, I followed the no contact advice and after two months of no contact my ex suddenly contacted me wanting to meet. I made the mistake of thinking he wanted me back and after sleeping with him six times he said he was not interested in getting back together. He actually laughed when he said it. I was more hurt because in the end he used me and I fell for it. I should have just moved on. It’s been over a month and I still cry thinking about it. I just wanted to reach out to someone who’ll understand. Thanks you for reading.

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Sonia

    I think people fear letting go because it means that you are supposed to stop loving that person or you need to erase them from your life completely. Once we accept that it is ok to both love them AND accept things have ended, then we can begin to move on.

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Dave

    I know what I did wrong and where things went wrong. We generally got along very well before the break up. I’m being met with this even though she had expressed interest in maintaining contact with me. At this point I just want to reconnect as friends while I continue working on myself. I’m going to leave her alone for a couple months.

    Any suggestions on how to reconnect in a situation like this?

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Unfortunately, I do not have any suggestions or advice.

      “No contact”, “limited contact” and “giving space” are all fear/avoidance based strategies in that they encourage moving away from what you want instead of moving towards it. They are all in conflict with what I advice and encourage, and that is, moving towards your ex, openly, fearlessly and in an emotionally healthy, mature and smart way.

      Using “no contact”, “limited contact” and “giving space” while at the same time following my advice is likely to create ‘avoidance-approach’ conflict where you try to move towards your ex, make things worse, move away, then try to move towards again. After sometime you give up because there is no progress or because you’ve completely pushed her away to a point of no return.

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nini

    We were happy together, I don’t understand what happened to make him not want me anymore. I was a wonderful girlfriend to him and I’m so scared that he still loves me but doesn’t realize it. I think he’s trying to kill his feelings for me and I don’t understand why.

    1. May be if you got out of denial and accepted that his feelings for you indeed changed, it’d help you understand why. You can’t see when his feelings for you started changing or what you can do to make them come back when you don’t even accept, let alone acknowledge that his feelings changed.

      Also someone can still love you, but not feel IN love with you.

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