There are some break-ups that should have never happened, and yours is probably one of them if you’re currently experiencing this, or have had this experience.
You’re talking to your ex and who they are saying you are doesn’t make sense. It’s like they are talking about someone you barely know.
For example, they’re calling you narcissistic, selfish and insensitive and you can’t recall when you went from “the best thing that happened to me” to the monster that ruined my life.
There is a chance that it’s just your ex’s hurt feelings and/or anger calling you narcissistic, selfish and insensitive, but there is also a chance that your ex genuinely believes that’s who you are.
Unless you’ve grown up in one of the cultures that still practice the Rites of Passage To Adulthood rituals, it’s very likely that nobody helped you get in touch with who you really are. You’re just supposed to know.
So when you start dating or get into a relationship you’re probably still trying to figure out just who are you. This is when it gets complicated.
- Since you are still trying to figure out who you really are, you really don’t know which you to present or express, and how.
- Because you don’t know who you are, there is a “DISCONNECT” in who you are honestly trying to be (on the surface) and who you really are.
You and the man or woman you love may not even be aware that some of the problems in your relationship are because you are still trying to figure yourself out. You keep trying to change this and change that but ultimately, nothing works. The relationship ends.
You are left wondering “where did I go wrong this time, I was just being myself with him/her?” You conclude that the problem must be with your ex and move on to the next person, only for the same thing to happen again, and again, and again…
A few failed attempts result in your being unable to trust yourself, take responsibility for your own experience and in some cases to not even like yourself. You’re afraid to be “just yourself” and be open about what and how you feel about a man or woman because you don’t know how to.
But what if the “you” your ex rejected isn’t really YOU? What if the anxious, demanding, manipulative, negative, antagonistic, pushy, needy, predictable, boring etc person your ex rejected is really a confident, open, easy-going, exciting, inspiring, positive and loving YOU?
It might explain why who your ex says you are is not who you feel you are, or see yourself as.
Knowing that the one person you love with every fiber of your being, that one person who and means everything to you didn’t actually reject you, but rejected the person they think of you as, hurts. It’s especially painful because your ex didn’t even get to meet the real YOU. They walked out of your life with a view of you that is very different from who you really are.
Do you know what’s even more sad?
The same “you” that your ex rejected is probably the same “you” trying to get your ex back. The same anxious, demanding, manipulative, negative, antagonistic, pushy, needy, predictable, boring you, still following rules and strategies that hide who you really are — a confident, open, easy-going, exciting, inspiring, positive and loving.
And you wonder why your ex doesn’t want you back…
Yangki, thanks for putting this site together, it’s truly a Godsend. We were together for 2 years 4 months and we never had any major disagreements. We were something like the perfect couple. The breakup happened because we are both ambitious and basically took our relationship for granted. We kept in contact in a friendly manner but over the last couple of months contact has been frequent. We’ve also seen each other in person quite a few times. Do you think we have a chance?
I think that you have a chance mainly because of the type of relationship that you had, and the fact that you stayed in each other’s lives. It’s a testimony to a level of maturity and healthy attachment styles.
For the relationship to work long term however, you both have to find ways to balance your careers and relationship.
I always feel like I’m the one trying to do the work that a relationship needs and guys just enjoy the ride then get out. I have a lot of great qualities, yet I just haven’t been able to feel happy without someone. I need to love myself first and fore most and stop letting myself be walked on and taken for granted in relationships.
I really appreciate your knowledge. I’m 35 years old and the issues you mention in your post surface in my life again and again. I think this is one of the reasons I’m always trying to be as good as the people I’m attracted to. This also hurts in relationships because I look to others to make me feel good about myself. I believe that bringing up my confidence level will help my cause.
Most of us try to be “someone’s else best” because we see that that’s what makes them attractive to others, the problem is that we are not them. I agree that increasing your confidence will help. The other thing that’ll help is allowing yourself to freely express the “goodness” you know is inside of you, but first you’ve to get in touch with that “goodness” and then confidently express it. That’ll be the focus of the next posts on this series.