If you asked me, “what’s the most frequently asked question men and women ask you as a love doctor?” I’d sum it up in three sentences 1) does he/she love me? 2) why did he/she stop loving me? 3) why can’t I stop loving him/her?
Almost every man or woman who has tried to “find” love, been in love and lost someone he/she loved at some point in his or her life has asked him or herself “why did love die?”
Anaïs Nin sums up “why love died” in the following quote:
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
People lose the initial attraction or the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love not because of that one word you said or that one thing you did. People lose the initial attraction or the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love because of all the things you made them FEEL 1) about you, but most importantly, 2) about themselves.
And I’ m not talking about compliments, cool pick-up lines, nice’em up talk (please, thank you, you’re beautiful/sexy/smart/strong), romantic gestures, and all that “feel good” stuff. I’m talking about what makes him/her FEEL RIGHT about him/herself (choices, decisions, thoughts, actions etc) and feel happy, hopeful and positive about love, about relationships and about people and life in general. That (deep) stuff!
This is where most of us fail miserably
Think about it… almost everyone says they want a great relationship with lots of caring, love, trust, romance, harmony, cooperation, laughter, passion, intimacy, sex, sex and some more sex; and almost everyone believes to some extent that they have all the qualities necessary for attracting and maintaining a great relationship. But not everyone has a great relationship.
Why? Because everyone is trying to get that great relationship but very few are trying to give it or even really know how-to.
Most of us are thinking of our wants, needs, what is comfortable, how to get the upper hand, how to influence etc., and not very much about the other person.
We are trying to sell to someone just what a great catch we are but very few are actually doing anything to make the other person feel like a great catch.
And this is not just a men or women thing, it’s something all genders do equally because most of us were never taught to think about someone else unless they are a means to what we want and need. We simply don’t pay that much attention to other people’s emotions and feelings as if they were our own, and yet wonder why after all the “loving” things we said and all the romantic things we did, they still decided they did not want us.
You can only get so far mimicking “love” while pushing your own agenda
Here is the thing, like most people you may not even be aware that your “loving” words, thoughts, emotions and actions are the very things letting you down. You may think you’re simply a “man/woman in love” doing things people who are in love do, but instead of inspiring love in the person you love, all you get is constant rejection.
Despite your efforts to convince the other person that you’re a “great catch” worth of their love, all you managed to achieve is, “it’s always and will always be all about me, myself and I.” And it is!
Without the deep inquiry as to which of your words, thoughts, emotions and actions are driven by your “me, myself and I” inclinations or compulsions (and yours alone) and which of your words, thoughts, emotions and actions are in the best interest of someone else, you’ll always find yourself let down — not by someone else — but by your own words, thoughts, emotions and actions.
The saddest thing of all is that you may be with someone who genuinely loves you but does not want to be with you simply because what you offer does not add up to “you make me feel good about myself, about “us” and about life.
It takes more than one to create “us”
Painful as it may be, accepting that it’s not all about YOU releases you from unrealistic expectations of others, the need to play mind games, from constantly feeling like you’re selling yourself one moment and walking on egg shells the next and from having to beg, demand and bribe people to love you.
It frees you to possibilities for yourself and for love to naturally replenish itself. Instead of always living in the small confined and limiting world with rigid rules of behaviour where this MUST happen in this particular way and at this particular time or less the whole house of cards comes crumbling down, you’re living in continual anticipation of not “what can I say and do to get love back” but rather “how can I make him/her feel loved”.
Not only does this open you to spontaneity and living out your loving and creative self, even better, it allows others to see how unlimited you are in your ability to express love. Seeing you as limit-less with your love inspires others to want to live out their own limitlessness.
Instead of the relationship being about who calls who and how often, who said what and why, or who did what for who and when, the relationship becomes a gigantic wondrous mystery where unlimited “I” meets unlimited “You” and becomes unlimited “Us”.
Get out of “Me” and get into “Us”!
If you’re with someone who shows initial attraction or who is losing or has lost the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love with you, the solution is not more of YOU (your words, thoughts, emotions and actions of “love”) but more of “us” in the relationship.
Remember, it takes more than one to create “us”, so don’t swing all the way to the opposite direction and make it all “about him/her”. It takes more than one to create “us”.
And when more of “us” is offered to you, accept it because it’s just as hard to take it as it is to give it.
If you need help getting started on how to fan that initial attraction or re-ignite feelings of love that are fading or have faded, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m happy to work with you as your coach and mentor because like Anaïs Nin, I believe: “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source.”
Yangki, my ex sent me a link to your site, what does it mean?
I can’t say for sure that it definitely means this or that. A lot depends on the link she sent you… what the article says.
My guess is, if you are doing ‘no contact” she wants you t know she doesn’t think 1) it’s a good idea and 2) it’ll not work to get her back.
If you are in contact, she may be communicating what you are doing wrong, what you should be doing, what’s holding her back, the changes she wants to see, etc.
But it could also mean something completely different… like, she doesn’t like me… 😉
Yangki, I know that you do not encourage NC but just wanted your opinion on my situation. I was with a guy for almost a year, it was great except for the last 4 months when he started distancing from me. I asked why and he said he could not spend as much time with me as I required of him. I tried to be understanding and gave him space but he continued being cold and distant, not returning calls or texts etc. I called him and asked him if he wanted to breakup with me and he basically said yes. He said he cared about me very much but can’t give me what I want. He also still wants to be friends. I was so upset and hang up. Two hours later I called to apologize, he did not pick up the phone. We have not had any contact for 10 days. Do you think it’s a good idea to contact him again or do NC?
You acted needy and he pulled away. You panicked and offered him a way out and he took it. I honestly don’t think it matters either way. You can contact him or do NC, it isn’t going to make much of a difference.
He says he doesn’t want to close the doors of communication even if right now he is not sexually attracted to me. He feels conflicted and doesn’t know if he made the right decision. We still talk on the phone twice a week. I asked him again if maybe in the future he’ll be willing to consider working on our relationship and he said never say never. I take this as a good sign–or not?
It’s a good sign that he’s leaving it open for anything to happen in the future. It’s also a good sign that he feels conflicted about the break-up because it means there are still strong feelings there.
My concern is the “not sexually attracted to me” part. If this is due to something that neither of you can do anything about, then you might end up as just good friends.
But if it’s something that can be changed or fixed, then there can be a future for the two of you.
Yangki, I am grateful for all the advice you give but there are not many articles on how to deal with the pain and stay positive when your heart aches for the love of your life. I don’t go to other sites anymore because all they tell you it it’s over man, move on. I don’t think it’s over for us but I don’t know how to deal with my pain either. Any help will be much appreciated.
I hear you. For the most part, I have focused on helping readers get their ex back, but you are right, it’s hard to stay focused when you are hurting.
I offer an online course for people trying not to act needy as a result of the pain, and ruin their chances. But I’ll see what I can do in the coming months to help readers get through the pain while maintaining contact with their ex.
I needed to read this…I seeceverything I was doing wrong and I now understand why the woman I was dating said I made her second guess herself and she doesn’t like that and doesn’t see me the same anymore. I get it now.
I’ve had time to think of the things that went wrong and have come to realise that a big part of it was that I struggled to be open with him. I pushed him away for fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt. Now I realise that the only way I am ever going to get what I want is to put it all out there again, everything that I hid the last time.
Yangki, I am glad that you have this site to encourage both men and women to work it out. I have been married 25 years to my lovely wife and we have had our share of problems but we always worked it out. Many of my friends who married at the same time and later are all divorced and some in second marriages that are not doing too well. In my opinion the reason they are divorced is because the individuals refused to work it out. Some of them plain admitted to my face that they are too arrogant to make the relationship work. It is simply selfishness. It is selfishness in the sense that when it is no longer about ‘us’, it really is no longer a relationship.
I’ll admit that I’m not usually one for taking internet advice seriously, especially if it’s free. But I’ve grown on this author and think that she’s onto something. I’m especially interested in emotional connection as this is something I think that I have a hard time establishing with the women I’ve dated.