Why Texting an Avoidant Ex How to Fix Things Backfires

So you’ve spent time reflecting and now you understand what went wrong and how to fix it – and you want your avoidant ex to know that things can be different, and that you know exactly how to fix what caused the breakup. You have your text or letter all written out – and you feel really good about it.

Don’t send it.

I don’t advice or encourage “I now understand what happened and know how to fix it (what went wrong)” or “repair texts” because these texts often backfire. They backfire because relationship repair texts:

1) Feel urgent

A relationship repair text inherently implies “now that I know how to fix this, let’s fix it”. Even if the your text is thoughtful, calm, loving and well-intentioned, avoidants can sense the energy of urgency.  To an avoidant ex, it can feel like an unspoken expectation or even demand.

2. Bring the focus back to the relationship (too soon)

Avoidants typically don’t want to talk about the relationship, the breakup or what happened because it’s emotionally stressful. When you send “I know how to fix (what went wrong) text”, it brings their attention back to emotionally stressful times of the relationship.

Even if you end the text with “no pressure” (which in itself suggests that there is pressure in the first place, and you’re trying to make it go away by saying “no pressure”, it still doesn’t cancel the fact that you’re trying to “fix things.”

3. Feel like emotional dumping

An avoidant ex is minding their own business, living their life and BOOM! Emotional dump.

If they were trying to get some emotional distance to “self-care” – ignoring some texts but still trying to keep the lines of communication open by responding randomly, taking longer to respond to regulate the pace of texting or even doing no contact”, the suddenness and emotional weight of a repair text can catch an avoidant off guard. Now they have to think about how to handle this text that they were not expecting or want – this can feel like pressure.

4. Feel like an emotional trap

I’ve worked with many anxiously attached who say “I want them to know that I now understand what happened and know how to fix it. But I’m not trying to get them back (or I don’t want them to feel pressured) but what they’re really hoping for is that if an avoidant sees that they understand what went wrong and have a plan for how to fix it, their avoidant ex will give them another chance.

And avoidants know that the reason you’re sending them a “relationship repair plan” is because you’re trying to convince them that you deserve another chance. They know that your taking accountability and  “owning my part” is to try to pull them back into a relationship.

Even if your text doesn’t directly ask to get back together, the intense vulnerability and relationship-focus of a repair text can feel like pressure to say something back – especially if the text contains reflection, over explaining, guilt-ridden or groveling apology.

5. Feel like you’re controlling the narrative

“Here’s how I see what happened, and here’s how I think we can fix it”, to an avoidant ex can feel like pressure to accept your version of what happened, to support you in your emotional processing, or influence their feelings.

If your narrative includes you telling them how they felt/feel ( e.g. “You got scared because I came too close”, “I wanted more intimacy and you felt pressured”, “I wanted you to open up and you felt vulnerable” etc.”) can feel to an avoidant like there’s no room for their version of the story because you’ve already decided how they felt/feel.

For avoidants who values their independece, this feels intrusive and dismissing their perspective – especially if they haven’t shared how they felt themselves, or don’t identify with the feelings you say they felt. They feel pressured to give their side of the story before they’re ready – or don’t feel like.

So don’t send your “relationship repair plan”

If you want an avoidant ex to feel emotionally safe reconnecting or if you just want to leave the door open to reconnect at a later time, consider sending a breakup acceptance text/letter instead.

Not only does a breakup acceptance text remove the pressure to talk about the relationship or fix/repair what happened, it also creates emotional safety – which you need to get an ex to want to repair the relationship.

My years working with avoidants every single day has shown me that: avoidants want connection (even dismissive avoidants), they just want it on their terms – and one of those terms is “no pressure.”

RELATED:

How to Love an Avoidant Ex – But Accept the Breakup Too