If you’ve been reading my blog and have my eBook, by now you know I’m all for keeping contact with your ex and being open and honest about your feelings and intentions if you want him or her back: the very opposite of everything you might have read about getting back your ex.
The little mind games, “psychological tricks” and all the stuff is great if you are trying pull one up on your ex (which should make you ask why you are together or why you want that kind of person back in the first place).
But if you are sincerely looking to create a loving relationship, both your intentions and your actions mean a lot.
People love people who not only do good things for them but also make them feel good, says “The Power of Good Intentions” a newly published study in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.
For those in relationships, which is pretty much everyone reading this, the message is to make sure your partner, sibling, friend, etc. know you care, notes UMD Assistant Professor Kurt Gray, author and Director of the Maryland Mind Perception and Morality Lab.
“It’s not enough just to do good things for your partner — they have to know you want them to feel good. Just imagine saying, “fine, here’s your stupid hug,” — hardly comforting.
“The results confirm that good intentions — even misguided ones — can sooth pain, increase pleasure and make things taste better,” the study concludes. It describes the ability of benevolence to improve physical experience as a “vindication for the power of good.”
While it seems clear that good and evil intentions can change the experience of social events — think of a reaction to a mean-spirited, cutting remark compared to gentle teasing spoken with a smile — this study shows that physical events are influenced by the perceived contents of another person’s mind. “It seems we also use the intentions of others as a guide for basic physical experience,” Gray writes in the journal.
The study also suggests the general benefits of thinking that others mean well. “To the extent that we view others as benevolent instead of malicious, the harms they inflict upon us should hurt less, and the good things they do for us should cause more pleasure,” the paper concludes.
“They have to know you want them to feel good“. This is very important when trying to get your ex back.
So before you hit “send”, ask yourself, will your text 1) make your ex feel good, 2) elicit “no feeling” or 3) just piss off your ex?
If your texts are not making your ex feel good, that’s not good.