Why Isn’t My Boyfriend Sexually Attracted To Me?

Question: I know this sounds crazy. My boyfriend is not physically attracted to me. We met on an internet dating site. Our first in person was in a coffee shop and as soon as I drove up to meet him he gave me this terribly disapproving look. I immediately felt unattractive and inadequate although I’m in great shape and dress attractively. I was relieved that he wanted to have coffee with me anyway and attributed his coldness throughout the evening to first meeting anxiety.  When he called me a few days later to ask me out, I thought I had just misread him.

Here we’re three months later and he makes no real effort to spend time with me. I’m doing all the work of initiating contact and arranging dates and he’s just happy to come along. He talks a lot about the problems in his life and I listen compassionately, offering him advice here and there. It seems that all we ever talk about are this problem he’s facing or that thing that went wrong at work. I’ve told him I want him to want me like a man wants a woman, he listens and says I’m his best friend and he never wants to lose me. I’m powerfully attracted to him and don’t want to give it up. Is there something I can do to make him physically attracted to me?

Yangki’s Answer: It does you no good for me to tell you, you should have listened to your gut feeling the first time you met him and he gave you that disapproving look. Physical attraction is all about the outside, the wrapping. If someone does not find you physically attractive there is very little you can do to make them physically attracted to you. Some things you just can’t manufacture, and sexual chemistry is one of them. Either it’s there – or it isn’t.

I think that he is telling the truth about not wanting to lose you, but it is more like lose you as a friend. He finds you attractive as someone he can talk to about the problems in his life, someone who listens compassionately and offers advice, but not as someone he is romantically and sexually attracted to.

You can try a few things to make yourself more physically appealing to him — flirt with him, seduce him, talk “naughty” to him, take up dancing classes and learn a few hot moves etc. But you’ll be trying too hard and there is no guarantee that it’ll get you the results you want.

That being said, this doesn’t mean you two can’t have a happy life together, assuming you are both willing to do without the physical attraction part of the relationship. I have a strong feeling thought that this is not what you’re looking for in a relationship. But it’s up to you to decide.

The positive spin in all this is that if you managed to pull a guy without any physical attraction, you must have a great personality.  Anyone can “buy” physical beauty these days, but a great personality that’s hard to come by in this day and age. And if you want my opinion, I say don’t waste it on someone who isn’t giving you love, admiration and appreciation.

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  1. says: Paloma

    I have had the same problem and only just realized it. My boyfriend broke up with me because he no longer finds me sexually attractive. He acknowledged that there had been times when he was, and others when he was less. It is extremely heartbroken because basically there is nothing we can do to fix that, despite the great relationship and affection we had.

  2. says: Troy

    My situation is the opposite. I’m very much physically attracted to her just as I did when we first met 3 years ago but she just isn’t that interested in me physically. We do hug and hold hands but that’s all. I’m not sure what I can do. I don’t want to put pressure on her.

    1. I understand about the pressure, she might think it’s all about sex. It is normal for the “new to wear off” and things to fall into “no intimacy routine”. My advice is to talk this over with her. Not just about not having sex but about what’s going on in the relationship in general. It’s best not to accuse her of anything because she’s really not responsible for how you feel. Simply present your thoughts and feelings about the situation and ask her if there is anything the two of you can do make your relationship work the way it used to — or better. Sometimes working with a professional helps. But make sure it’s someone you can trust and know a little bit more about. Some professionals make things worse.

  3. says: Enant

    This article began in a hilarious way! Sorry for being impertinent…What would have happened if the man immediately drooled at first glance? Would she feel immediately attractive and more than adequate, having this little guy conquered and the rest of the world? This kind of dichotomy (between lack of confidence and over-confidence) does not do any good to both women and men.

    1. Sorry, but I don’t see anything “hilarious” about this post or anything that suggests she was expecting or looking for a drool or to conquer the “little guy” and the rest of the world.

      This was a genuine heartfelt question and deserved an equally heartfelt response. I’ve found that in life, a little more understanding and compassion (for both women and men) goes a long way. That’s what makes this blog different from all the other “vitriol” blogs and forums. We’re here to keep each other real, help, support, and hold each other up through the rough spots of relationships. Please, let’s keep it that way!

  4. says: cool

    that why I never meet any internet guys they always expect a super model to show up or a gal with the most amazing body- they should look at themselves they don’t look nothing like a greek god. my advice is dump his ass as he is using u for therapy sessions and as soon as he gets a girl he is attracted to he will dump u like rubbish. sorry to be blunt.

  5. says: Jodi

    I agree with the Love Doctor. You deserve someone who looks at you admiringly, compliments you and treats you like a queen. A woman needs that from her man.

  6. says: Musathegentlesoul

    Love doc, is that a smile? I’m physically attracted. Lol. The new photo looks good, and the post insightful and instructional as always!

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