Why Is My Ex Ignoring My Phone Calls?

Question: My ex and I broke up nearly two months ago. We’ve exchanged a few emails since the break up, mostly it’s been me contacting her but she eventually replies. After stressing over whether to call her or not, I finally called her at work and said “hey just calling to see how your doing.” She was very nice and seemed happy to hear from me but said she couldn’t talk because she was at work. So I asked her if I can give her a call later when she’s home and she said, “that’d be great.” But when I called her she said she was heading to bed, had a very important meeting the next morning. I didn’t want to come across as needy and didn’t push. Instead I asked her if I can call her Thursday evening, this was Monday. She seemed okay with it, said, “You can call me anytime.” I called her Thursday evening, two times, but both times she didn’t answered the phone. Why would she say call me anytime if she isn’t interested in talking to me? She knows I still have feelings for her. I want to try to contact her one more time before I give up. Do you think it’s wise or should I just give up right now?

Yangki’s Answer: Most people don’t tell someone it’d be great for them to call or that they can call anytime if they don’t mean it, or don’t want the person to call.

The only reason I can think of why she would say those things and then not follow up on it is that she does not want to hurt you, and thinks she’s letting you down gently. But there is also the possibility that she’s indeed busy – some people throw themselves into their careers after a break-up because it helps them feel like the world hasn’t stopped rotating. And may be right now her work is more important to her than reconnecting with an ex.

There is no way for knowing for sure if she still has any feelings for you or not, or even if she wants to keep in contact with you or not. If you strongly feel in your heart that you should contact her one more time, I suggest sending her an email telling her you do not want to keep calling her if she does not want you to. But you at least want to know from her if that’s her wish. Do not bring up anything about the relationship, how you feel about her or how much she is hurting you. These are emotionally loaded topics. If she’s not ready to get into something emotionally heavy, she’ll most likely not reply.

After you send the email, wait and see what happens. If you do not get a reply or if she does not call after a few days, you have your answer.

I hope you get the response you want. Good luck!

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11 Comments

  • I’ve used NC and it worked the first time. She came back after 5 weeks apart. It was great for 4 months them she broke up with me again. Again I completely pulled away, and after a couple of weeks she called. I didn’t return the call and two days later she called again. After two more calls I finally took the call. She asked me why I wasn’t returning her calls and I said that it seemed like she wasn’t interested and I was moving on. She was upset and told me she cared about me very much. We talked for about 23 minutes and I told her I had to go. I have not heard from her again and she does not respond to my texts. It’s been 2 months of nothing from her. Any advice?

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    • This is a game the two of you are playing and it’s not just her but you too. She pulls away, you use no contact to trigger whatever fears she has of being rejected/abandoned/not paid attention to etc. She comes back because it somehow helps her to feel she’s still wanted but pulls away again.

      At this point (this why I completely discourage no contact, it severely limits your options) there are only two things you can do 1) be patient and let her contact you or 2) contact her. Whatever you decide to do, this game the two of you are playing is destructive to the relationship (if there is still any). One of you has to step up and be the adult, if not, it’s going to be like this until one walks away — for good!

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  • I used “no contact” because I did not want to give my ex the wrong impression that we still have a chance. I wanted to send a clear message that I was over her and did not want any communication with her, not even as friends. It angers mw when she tells friends I’m trying to get her back. Should I break the no contact rule just to tell her I don’t want her back ever?

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