5 Reasons Your Ex Is Contacting You

Question: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. The relationship had problems that we couldn’t resolve and she decided it was better to break up. She obviously knows how bad I’m hurting and that there is no point in contacting me since nothing is ever going to work between us. I can’t for the goodness of me figure out what exactly she is hoping to gain by these phone calls other than prolong my misery. I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t she stop calling me so I can get over her and move on with my life?

Yangki’s Answer: There’s really no telling what’s on her mind. It could be any one or more of these reasons:

1) To see if you still love her, still care or are interested in a relationship.

2) She may be feeling guilty for breaking up with you, doesn’t want you to hate her for it and trying to be your “friend” the best way she knows how.

3) For her own ego reasons (to see if she still has a certain effect on you).

4) She is using you as her “security blanket” to shield her from feelings of loneliness until someone else comes along.

5) She thinks she’s offering you the opportunity to try to get her back.  This may be why she hints that she’s somewhat dating but not really (translation: I’m still available but it may not be for long).

These are all possibilities. She is the only one who really knows why she’s doing what she does. But whatever her reasons are, you acting like a reluctant victim strikes me as either someone who doesn’t want this to stop or someone who has always let her have her way and won’t stand up for yourself and what you want.

The first place to start is getting honest with yourself. Do you really want her to stop contacting you or just frustrated that she has not come out straight and told you that she wants you back – or at least given you clear signals that say she wants you back?

If you’re serious about wanting her to stop calling you so you can get over her and move on with your life, then be straight forward with her and just tell her you would appreciate if she ceased all contact so you can move on. The other option — which in my humble opinion is juvenile – is to let her messages go to the answering machine.

No doubt “getting over her and moving on” is a whole lot difficult than it sounds. But if that’s what you want to do, the earlier you start the better for you. If you just let her have her way with you “against your will”, you’ll become more miserable, angry and disgusted with yourself as time goes on.

If on the other hand, you want her back, then I suggest you stop this “why is she doing this to me?!” victim mentality and get down to working on a plan/strategy to get her back while she’s still “somewhat dating but not really”. If you wait too long, she may decide you’re over her and have moved on.  Even then it’ll still be possible to get her back but it’ll require more planning, effort and time when she’s with someone else.

More from Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

49 Comments

  • My ex contacted me to say don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try. I broke up with her and not sure I want her back. The last few months before the breakup was hell. This text baffles me because I have not contacted her in anyway since the break up 3 weeks ago. Why would she send me this text?

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    • It could be any number of reasons 1) she misses you 2) she’s trying to reach out to you and doesn’t know how 3) she thinks it’ll make you contact her or 4) she really means it.

      I suggest that you send a text back saying you respect her wishes and leave the ball in her court. Her next action will tell you know which is which. But if you’re not sure you even want her back, it’s best to not respond, it’ll just be a continuation of the hell you talk about.

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  • Brandy, I can relate to where you are because I was there two months ago. We tried to get back together but eventually came to a mutual conclusion that we were growing in different directions and the relationship was no longer serving either of us. We chose to harmoniously end it without any hard feelings. We’re good friends and it feels really good to know that the beautiful relationship we had didn’t end up in something ugly.

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    • I could not have said it better. “Travelling light” with no baggage of anger or resentment — in my opinion — is the best way to go. End result is you’re going to attract someone vibrating at your own level of growth!

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  • Thank you. I’ll not make any decision until I’m sure how I really feel about him. Part of me still loves him, he was a wonderful guy. Like you said, I’m just in a different place right now. He too is working on his growth, who knows we might click again, but for now I just want to concentrate on seeing who I really am and loving myself. If anything I’d love to have him as a valuable friend because of the past we had.

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  • I think it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way. You have analyzed yourself, made the necessary changes to improve yourself and realized you don’t need him in your life to be happy. On the other hand, he now realizes our value(when he should have known it all along) and knows the grass isn’t greener, it just looks that way sometimes. He was selfish and is now paying the price. He knows he made a mistake. Throw him to the curb, he doesn’t deserve you. Ps. This is a guys perspective.

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  • Yangki, I just wanted to say I love your eBook (and I love you). For 6mos. I tried to get my ex back with tactics and dirty games and only ended up making things worse. I bought your eBook, and the steps were so simple, yet I had missed them all this time. Last mo. my ex and I got back together. I’m so grateful to you in ways that you’ll never know.

    For everyone looking to get their ex back, Yangki’s eBook will get you onto the right path and get your ex back. It changed my life and got me my ex back and will change yours as well.

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