Why Is My Avoidant Ex Happy We Are Friends? [Am I Friendzoned?]

Question: Why is my avoidant ex happy we’re friends? Am I friendzoned?

My dismissive avoidant ex broke up with me about three months ago. At the time, she wanted us to stay friends, but I told her I couldn’t because I needed to heal and get over her. Being friends would keep me from moving on and I didn’t want to have false hope of getting back together. She said she understood and to reach out when I was ready t be friends.

We didn’t communicate for two months. I reached out when I felt more like myself again. She responded after two days and we’ve been in contact for a little over three weeks. Our conversations are nice, but I feel frustrated when she says she’s happy we’re friends. Does this mean I’m friendzoned? I still love her and don’t want her to see me as just a friend.

Yangki’s Answer: There’s a high chance she thinks you’re just friend, but that doesn’t necessarily mean friendzoned.

Often times when an avoidant ex says they want to be friends, it’s because they don’t want to lose the comfort, familiarity, and emotional safety of the relationship. They may not want a relationship or don’t see how the relationship can work, but they don’t see why you can’t still be in each other’s lives since you enjoy each other’s company. To them, being friends feels like a safe middle ground.

But sometimes avoidant exes want to be friends after a breakup because they think that’s the way the relationship will work. They say “be friends” but they’re not thinking “friend” friend.” They genuinely believe things might work better if they reconnect as friends first — and that starting as friends takes off the pressure, intensity and expectations of a romantic partnership. This gives them time and space to feel comfortable again and trust the connection — without the fear of being rushed, trapped, or expected to perform romantically before they’re ready.

And whether you agree with the concept of “beings friends” with an ex or not, this actually makes sense and maybe what’s safe and right for both people.

It’s hard to tell from just the information you’ve given which of the two — still be in each other’s lives as friends or start as friends first — your ex was thinking about when they asked to be friends.

What complicates things is that you told her you couldn’t be friends until you healed and got over her. She said to reach out when you were ready to be friends. When you reached out she likely assumed that it’s because you had healed, gotten over her and were not ready to be friends.

From your perspective, you reached out because you still love her but from her perspective, you reached out because you’re “over her” and ready to be friends. This is why she’s saying she’s happy you’re friends.

To her the two of you have been able to get over your romantic feelings for each other and remain in each other’s life. She may not know that you still love her and are hoping to get back together – which you said was the reason you didn’t want to be friends when she asked after the breakup.

I wouldn’t be surprised that being a dismissive avoidant, she thinks she’s respecting your boundary.

Instead of getting upset or frustrated because she says she’s happy you’re friends, see if you can use the warmth and genuine liking you have for each other to rebuild safety, trust and attraction. Right now, she’s warm, responsive, and comfortable. That’s good.

• Be consistent with reaching out (at a pace she responds well to).
• Build deeper emotional connection—open, honest, relaxed.
• Spend time together whenever possible.
• Flirt lightly, where it feels natural because that’s the only way the romantic spark will come back.
• Create emotional warmth and positive experiences that make her catch feelings again.

Don’t try to force more closeness than he’s comfortable with. Any possibility you might have had of getting out of the “friend-zone” and getting her back will be lost.

If you are so worried that you might already be in the friendzone or moving towards it, take my quick self-assessment quiz to help you tell if the “friendliness” you are feeling from your avoidant ex is the friendzone.

The bottom line is: Don’t create a problem where there’s none. Anxiously attached are very good at turning a workable situation into something emotionally threatening with their fears, assumptions, overthinking, overinterpreting and seeing rejection and abandonment even in neutral comments.

With avoidants especially, dismissive avoidants an emotional environment with pressure, intensity and expectations is often the bridge back to a relationship, especially if it’s combined with light and fun moments that spark attraction.

RELATED:

Starting As Friends First With Avoidant Ex Or Friend-Zoned?

7 Steps From Being Friends With An Ex To Getting Back Together