Thank you for your feedback on my post: Men Who Can Show Real Emotions Are Sexier. Reading through the emails, the two common themes/questions that kept popping up are:
1. Why is it so hard for most men to show real emotions, and 2. Do men really need women and do women really need men?
Do men really need women and do women really need men?
“Need’ may be too strong a word, but yes, men need women and women need men. As with everything in nature, human beings need balance.
A man who hangs around only men is more likely to see and experience men as aggressive, emotionally detached, ambitious, and focused on power and domination. But that’s not the worst part of it. A man who hangs around only men is also more likely to see women as ‘the other”, be scared of them, and be angry at the fact that women scare him because he doesn’t understand them.
Don’t believe me? Just visit the “male only” blogs and discussion forums, and you will meet some of the angriest, most sexually frustrated and ignorant (of women) men on earth. They feel so justified in their “hatred” of women and spew their ignorance with no idea as to just how little they know about women. And because they are among men who are just like themselves, the poor guys don’t even realize they are their own worst enemies.
Don’t get me wrong, the same things happens in blogs and discussion forums that target “women only”. The male-bashing and labelling (unavailable, commitment phone, narcissist, avoidant etc.), and the whining “they do this to us… men are bad”, is sad, like really sad.
Why it is hard for most men to show real emotions?
It’d be nice to pretend that I have ALL men figured out and know exactly why they are the way they are, but I’m too humble to make that claim. Just like women, every man is unique. Why one man is the way he is may not the why another man is the way he is. There are a combination of many things — nature and nurture– that make someone the way they are.
Some men are raised in families and cultures where the free expression of emotions is accepted and encouraged, and some men are not. Some men by nature prefer and enjoy the company of women and are comfortable with women in general, and some men are scared of women — and very uncomfortable around them.
As a relationship coach with a lot of experience working with men and women hurting from a break-up, I can say with confidence that all men can and have the ability to show real, deep, raw emotion.
- Some men don’t know how to because they never learned how to. Maybe they grew up with parents who never showed emotion, discouraged the display of strong emotions or it wasn’t safe to emotionally open up.
- Some men choose not to for personal reasons and/or because they fear being judged for being “not man enough” (and it is a legitimate fear, society can be cruel)
- In some cases, it’s just not safe to emotionally open up around some women (they’re emotionally unsafe).
To me, the question is not so much, “Why is it so hard for some men to show real emotions?”, the bigger question is: Why can’t more men and more women connect emotionally? The answer is simple, they can.
As long as one has emotions, one can emotionally connect. In order to be able to emotionally connect, you must:
1. Understand, accept, get in touch and manage your emotions.
You can’t emotionally connect with another human being (in a deep way), let alone emotionally connect with the opposite sex when you have no understanding of your own emotions and their expression.
2. Learn to be comfortable around the opposite sex.
Emotional connection is about emotional safety first and foremost, meaning that you both need a safe emotional environment to express your emotions and to let the other in. So please stop the “otherizing” and “men and women are so different”, which is another way of saying “different is threatening”.
- Is hard to let someone in when you feel threatened by them.
- It’s hard to get them to emotionally open up when they don’t feel safe around you.
- It’s hard to emotionally connect in an emotionally unsafe environment.