“I don’t understand. I did everything right. I wasn’t needy and clingy at all. I didn’t contact my ex, they always contacted me first. I didn’t initiate contact, they initiated all the contacts. And I never told them how I feel, I acted like I didn’t care.”
Reading this, you may be wondering the same thing. Why isn’t it working? All the advice out there tells you… do no contact, don’t initiate contact, act indifferent, let him/her pursue you etc., and you’ve done all that. But here you are, stuck and confused.
It’s very, very simple. Really.
When you spend all your time and energy doing things to AVOID coming across as needy or clingy, you get exactly what you should be getting. NOTHING.
You get nothing because you are not doing what you need to do to get back your ex. You are doing everything right to self-preserve, and to avoid rejection or hurt, but you are not doing anything to get your ex back.
It’s like someone saying I want to become a surgeon, but I will not apply to any colleges because I might get rejected. I will not study because I might fail. And I will not tell anyone of my dreams because they might laugh at me. I will just sit here in my room because here I will not get rejected, I will not fail or be laughed at. Then wondering why their dreams of becoming a surgeon aren’t coming true.
Simply put, avoiding any appearances of being needy and clingy may make you appear “normal” (and feel safe in your little world), but that’s all it does. Make you appear less emotionally aggressive (which is what caused your ex to run away in the first place).
Is your ex now going to take you back because you went from being emotionally aggressive to emotionally timid?
I don’t think so. It’s not just my opinion. If you are feeling as stuck and confused as my clients asking, “I wasn’t needy or clingy. Why hasn’t my ex contacted me?”, you know I’m right.
Going from being emotionally aggressive to emotionally timid doesn’t make you emotionally attractive.
Emotional attractiveness is about emotional confidence and emotional assertiveness.
It is about action. Not just any action but action that creates closeness without making your ex feel that you need more of attention, time and space — than they’re able to give you, or want to give you .
It’s is about knowing:
- When to act and what to act on.
- How to communicate your feelings without pushing someone away.
- What to ask for, when to ask and how to ask in a way that increases your chances of getting it.
- How hard to go after what you want, and when to wait for the right time to take the next action.
I know. So different from all the advice out there telling you don’t act: Do no contact, don’t initiate contact, act indifferent, ignore your ex etc., all the things that make it easy for your ex to move on — with someone else who is taking action to make them feel attractive, wanted, valued, supported and loved.