2 Main Reasons Why Getting Back Your Ex Is Harder For You

Being present in the moment is key to making an emotional connection. But when you are trying to get back with your ex, being present is not always easy.

1. You have a history, a past — Sometimes that past occupies more emotional space than the present.

2. You want your ex back – Much of your emotional energy is directed towards that goal.

I am not just talking about being present in the moment of a conversation; where you are not only listening (through text, email, phone call, in person) to your ex’s words but also connecting with the emotions they are feeling in that present moment. I am talking about being present with the whole experience of getting back your ex.

Most of us just want to get to where we are back together and doing everything and anything to get to the end of the process. And there is a reason for that.

Trying o get back your ex is often difficult frustrating and emotionally draining. For many of us, there is not much “fun” in the process and most to the time it doesn’t feel good. It’s not an experience we want to be “present” in and with.

And it shows. We can’t stay present in the experience and constantly trying to change what is.

We try no-contact and because it doesn’t ‘feel good”, we try contacting our ex, but that doesn’t ‘feel good’ either, so we go back to no contact.

We start a topic of conversation, but when we don’t get the response we want or our ex is not asking questions about is, we quickly switch to another topic, then to another.

This is one of the things I look for when working with a client. Are they struggling through the experience or are they truly present in and with it. It’s easy to tell who is struggling and who is fully present in and with the experience.

When we are not present in the experience, our emotional energy is shallow and we often come across as one-dimensional, mechanical in our actions, or as trying too hard to be authentic. Attempts at being funny (humour) fall flat. When we try to flirt, it comes across as a sexual come-on and sends the ‘wrong” message. We may even have great intelligent conversations, but they are just that, great intelligent conversations. They do not stir the emotions that make your ex want to come back.

If you are struggling (you are confused, anxious or stressed most of the time, it’s taking up way too much of your time, energy and emotions or it’s changed you to someone you do not like), you might want to look at how you are handling the experience.

1. You may still be too focused in the past

You keep bringing up the past hoping that reminding your ex of the good times will somehow trigger something in them that’ll make them want to get back together; or keep bringing up what went wrong hoping that ‘talking” about it will help resolve the problem, or at least bring some clarity into why the relationship ended.

2. You are jumping too far into  the future

You read too much into your ex’s words or actions and/or bring up getting back together way too soon.

Dragging up the past into the present and/or trying to rush the present to get to the future is keeping you from being present in and with the experience. It’s hard to make an emotional connection when you are not present with the experience.

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  1. says: Lara

    Hello Love Dr.
    I love your advice. I just started reading your book.
    My ex and I have kept in contact since the day of the break up. (2monts ago). None of us begged ir did all thise things you hear about. But our communication was very shallow. Then we started connecting more but since last week I notice he’s distance. He always reach out first. Now he does text but only answers one of two lines. I also notice he’s taking longer to reply.
    Is it ok not to text him for a few days ? Or is that consider a mind game?. Of course if he calls or text me I will answer.

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