Why Fearful Avoidant Exes Ask If You’re Seeing Anyone

When you fearful avoidant ex asks if you are seeing someone it can feel like a trap. First of they left, why would it be any of their business if you are seeing anyone else.

The conclusion is that asking to see if you’re avoidable, they feeling jealous or just testing to see how you’ll respond. And you are right; all those things are true, but the question rarely has a single, straightforward motive.

Then the question becomes, how do you respond when you don’t know what their motive is?

Let’s start with why they ask.

1. Checking if you’re still available

This is often the number one reason fearful avoidants ask if you are seeing someone to see if you’re still available.

Knowing you are single is especially reassuring if they are single too. It doesn’t automatically mean they will come back or even want to come back, for them, it means the door is still open.

2. Checking to see it they’ve been replaced

The second reason fearful avoidants ask if you are seeing someone is they want to know how quickly and easily you replaced them.

Whether or not there is someone else, and whether they express it or not, fearful avoidants live with the constant fear that they’re not good enough, and there is someone better out there who can easily replace them.

Even if they initiated the breakup, the thought of being replaced triggers anxiety or competitive comparison, driving them to ask if you are seeing anybody. So the question ay simply be for ego boost.

3. Testing the safety of reconnection

This is the most common reason fearful avoidants ask if you are seeing anybody, andit ties to availability.

Asking if you are seeing anybody lets them test if it’s safe to emotionally invest from a safe distance and without immediate vulnerability.

4. Confirmation bias

This is the least known often not mentioned reason for a fearful avoidant asking if you are seeing anybody.

Fearful avoidants ask if an ex is dating or seeing someone believing that their ex may be seeing someone else. This is because avoidants in general do not trust other people, especially former partners.

This is the difference I’ve found between anxiously attached exes and fearful avoidant exes.

Anxiously attached ask if you’re dating or seeing someone expecting, hoping and praying that you will say they’re not dating or seeing someone. They will feel jealous and be very upset if their ex is involved with someone else, and hope and pray that their ex’s answer will prove that they’re not easily replaceable.

Many fearful avoidants ask if you’re dating or seeing someone from a place of distrust. They’re not necessarily curious about you dating or seeing someone per se, they’re wondering if they can trust you, especially if trust was one of the reasons for the breakup.

Some fearful avoidants may even be secretly happy you are not seeing anyone, but don’t allow themselves to believe it because they’ve believed something like this before and got hurt. They may still blame themselves for trusting someone and trusting their feelings and are afraid to make the same mistake.

So what do you say to a fearful avoidant ex if they ask if you are dating or seeing someone?

The secure attachment response is to be open and honest.

Being open and honest is the only think that will ease a fearful avoidant ex’s fears about:

• Trusting you and
• Trusting their feelings.

But as I mentioned about being honest with a fearful avoidant is not just about telling the truth, it’s also convincing them that you are being honest.

So when I say be honest, I mean “just tell the truth”.

If you are not dating/seeing other people, say something along the lines, “I am not dating/seeing anyone. I have things I need to work on myself before I can be a better partner (whatever word you use) for anyone, and right now, this is what I am focused on.”

If you are dating/seeing other people, say something along the lines, “I am going out and meeting new people, but I haven’t yet me someone I am emotionally invested in.” or “I have gone on a couple (whatever number) of dates, but I am not looking to get serious with anyone at this moment. It’s just dates.”

In both cases, you’re not just being honest, you’re also giving a fearful avoidant ex a good reason to believe you are being honest.

Being honest may not completely erase a fearful avoidant attachment’s fears about you abandoning them for someone better and/or they being misled by their own feelings and emotions, but it at least helps them feel that you will always tell them the truth even if 1) it’s uncomfortable and risky for you to do so and 2) it’s hard for them to hear it.

Being honest also appeals to an avoidant attachment’s need for independence. By being truthful about your dating situation, you are giving them the freedom to choose what they’ll do with the information. If you lied and they later find out that you lied, your avoidant ex will not only feel deceived but also feel that you hid information from them that would have helped them make an independent decision.

RELATED:

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Feels About You Seeing Someone Else

How Do You Know A Fearful Avoidant Ex Is Testing You?

What To Expect From Self-Aware Fearful Avoidant Exes