Why Fearful Avoidants Don’t Fight For Relationships (Or You)

One of the main reasons fearful avoidants don’t fight for relationships and don’t fight for exes after the breakup is because they never felt truly appreciated for what they did in the relationship, and the things they are doing right after the breakup.

For example, they could have simply cut off all contact, but they chose to maintain open lines of communication, but all you do is complain about:

• Them not responding fast enough, not saying much or acting the way you want them to.
• You doing all the reaching out when clearly it’s you who wants more connection than they do.
• What’s wrong with them, why and how they need to change etc.

You even come up with unproven stories about them “cheating” when you are not even together, and when a fearful avoidant is so worn out from being in a relationship with you that they don’t feel like being in a relationship with you or with anyone.

All these things make a fearful avoidant feel that even though you are fighting for the relationship and fighting for them, you don’t really like who they are and/or don’t accept who they are. You just want to be in a relationship, and they happen to be the person you want a relationship with. Why would they fight for someone who doesn’t accept them, let alone like them? Why would they fight for a relationship where they feel not good enough, unworthy of love, care and support, and a constant source of frustration and unhappiness?

Studies consistently demonstrate that felt acceptance positively correlates with a sense of belongingness and relationship satisfaction. When someone feels accepted exactly as they are, they feel that their involvement in the relationship is valued, and this creates both satisfaction with the relationship and the feeling that you belong together. But when two people clash repeatedly, judge or criticize each other and or try to “fix” the other, it undermines acceptance and creates the feeling that you can’t make each other happy.

And while all attachment styles have an innate need for acceptance and belonging, and differ in intensity, need and expression, people with an anxious attachment style and fearful avoidants experience more negative emotions when they are not accepted or feel rejected than people with a secure attachment and dismissive avoidants.

This is because people with an anxious attachment style and fearful avoidants have both a negative self view and an intense fear of rejection and abandonment and have a hard time accepting that someone truly loves them, wants to be with them and/or wants to meet their needs.

Someone with an anxious attachment will engage in approval or acceptance-seeking behaviours including people-pleasing and accommodating, excessive caretaking and attentiveness, and advice-giving fixing when they don’t feel accepted or feel rejected. They experience uncontrollable surge of resentment and angry feelings and become manipulative when their efforts to get approval or acceptance are not acknowledged or reciprocated.

A fearful avoidant may engage in approval or acceptance-seeking but will quickly pull back or withdraw when their acceptance needs are frustrated or not satisfied. Past experiences have taught them that it is difficult to gain acceptance. Some fearful avoidants even perceive themselves as a burden to others. They tell you you’ll be better off with someone more compatible with your needs, relationships experience, education or career or financial status, life-view or lifestyle, culture, religion or political views etc., and break up with you to ‘release you” from them holding you back.

A fearful avoidant dumper who still has feelings for you and even wants to get back together but doesn’t feel that you truly accept them will refuse to answer direct questions about where they stand, give evasive replies to what they’re doing, withdraw from the conversation, or intentionally shut down a conversation about feelings and/or keep bringing up incompatibility as a reason for not getting back together.

As far as a fearful avoidant is concerned, if you can’t accept them for who they are, then you’re not compatible. Why would they fight for a relationship where they’re constantly being told something is wrong with them or told in so many different ways that they’re making you unhappy?

You can respect a fearful avoidant’s independence all you want and give them all the space they need, but if they don’t feel accepted, they’ll worry  that you or they will not be happy if you got back together. They’ll stonewall, go hot and cold and at the end of it all, not come back.

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