Fearful Avoidant Ex Wants To Date Other People – What to Do

Question: I’m confused about why she thinks someone “better” exists. Is this FA thing?

We were together 3 years, broken up for over 6 months. We maintained contact after the breakup because neither of us wanted to cut the other off. At first it was just surface level check-ins but lately we’ve been talking about what we both want. We both want to be together but we have issues that need to be addressed. I thought we were finally getting somewhere but a few days ago she told me she wants to date other people and see what is out there. To say I was shocked and devatated is an understatement. I straight up told her, she can date other people but I wasn’t going to wait around until she chooses me. She started crying and said she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, and I believe her. I just don’t understand why if she loves me, she also wants to date other people. She says it has nothing to do with us, but I dont believe her. I think she’s just trying not to hurt my feelings.

I also found out that when we broke up the first time she went back to her ex and still hang out with him the month we were back together. I still love her very much but I’m confused about why she thinks someone “better” exists. Is this FA thing or just her thing?

Yangki’s Answer: It’s a fearful avoidant thing, if that helps. It’s also not always about “someone better exists”, if this helps too.

Wanting to see what else is out there or date other people is actually very common with fearful avoidants, more with much younger fearful avoidants than older fearful avoidants – and understandably so.

There are two main reasons why a fearful avoidant can feel that they want to see wht else is out there. One: dissatisfaction with the relationship because important needs aren’t being met and two: a trauma-linked attempt to regulate fear and regain a sense of safety and control.

1. Dissatisfaction with the relationship

When wanting to see what else is out there or date other people is about dissatisfaction with the relationship is may not always about something specific but a general feeling that something is missing and they can’t feel happy in the relationship until they know what it is or get the need met.

She’s probably dropped some hints about what makes her dissatisfaction with the relationship:

• Wanting more excitement/novelty and passion
• Wanting to feel wanted or valued
• Feeling judged, misunderstood or not heard
• Feeling pressured (real or imagined) to be more emotionally available or open
• Things moving faster than their attachment system can handle
• Needing more space and time to sort out their feelings or what they want
• Unexpressed or suppressed incompatibilities that are creating resentment

Instead of addressing these issues directly or directly asking for what they need, fearful avoidants start fantasizing about some hypothetical person or hypothetical relationship where these needs are met and they’re happy.

2. Regulate fear and regain a sense of safety and control

Sometimes they are reacting to important unmet needs and real incompatibilities but sometimes the need to see what else is out there or date other people is not a deeply thought-out evaluation of a partner or relationship. Sometimes their attachment system amplifies manageable problems into reasons to disengage.

Believing that there is someone else out there or that they can be happier in an alternate reality often acts as a psychological escape from current fears and uncertainty. These could be things to do with the relationship but also it could be things happening outside of the relationship that they feel they have no control over.

Psychological escape can look like staying busy or emotionally checking out but it can also look like fantasising about other relationships, focusing on what’s “missing” and idealising an easier future.

What to do when your fearful avoidant ex wants to date other people

My advice is to sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart talk to try to figure out where the need to see others or date other people, or the idea that there is someone else better out there is coming from.

1. The talk is not to convince them not to see or date other people. Always remember avoidant behaviour is largely a coping mechanism tied to past trauma, not a reflection of your worth. This means that change has to come from them; not you trying to fix their attachment style.

The talk is for you to clearly see what your options are. Like many fearful avoidants, she may not have access to that clarity in the moment, and that’s okay. The idea is to get her thinking that maybe:
The solution to her dissatisfaction with the relationship is not to date other people but try to address the issues in the relationship.

Whatever is making her want to see what else is out there is an attempt to regain a sense of control in uncertain times.

2. You already told her you’re going to wait around while she actively explores other relationships, stand firm about what you can accept and what you can’t.

Start with what you can accept, if this is something you’re comfortable with. I know some exes who don’t mind and others who think it’ll help the relationship long term if an ex goes and explore what is out there and realizes they are what they want. It’s not my place to judge. Sometimes it works and sometimes it backfires.

If this is not something you feel you are built up for, don’t force yourself to go along with it; that’s self-abandonment. Be open and clearly communicate why you can’t accept her seeing other people while pursuing getting back together.

Don’t be militant about it or make it into some therapy session or “let me over-explain myself” anxious blubber. Make it clear this is about your safety and self-respect.

Say something along the lines, “I care about you and I’m committed to doing whatever I need to, to make the relationship feel safe and satisfying for both of us. But I don’t feel safe or respected continuing to work on us when you’re exploring other options. I respect myself enough not to put myself in a situation I don’t feel safe in.”

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