Question: Yangki, I have been trying to get my ex back, but every effort is met with anger. She says I hurt her and was abusive although this is not true. I may have called her names when we fought but I apologized afterwards, and she forgave me. But since the breakup she says she can’t believe she stayed with someone who calls her the b-word. She says she will never get back with me because I disgust her. She is also angry because I broke up with her via text. My question is, if she does not want me back, why is she disgusted? I guess there are still some feelings there?
Yangki’sAnswer: If you mean feelings of anger and disgust, yes. They are there in plenty. If you mean feelings of love and caring, I don’t know. They may still be there but right now are overshadowed by feelings of anger and disgust.
By your own account she does have justifiable reason to feel angry and disgusted.
Research on emotions and their expression shows that what someone is communicating (or wants to communicate) is different for anger and disgust (Tom R. Kupfer, Roger Giner-Sorolla. Communicating Moral Motives: The Social Signaling Function of Disgust. Social Psychological and Personality Science).
Someone expressing anger is protesting an act that harmed their interests. “You did this to me”, and it hurt me, demeaned me, embarrassed me etc.
In your case, you called her the b-word and it made (or still makes) her feel a certain way.
A person expressing disgust feels that what you did is morally wrong and expressing a moral concern or questioning the moral reason for your actions.
“What kind of man calls a woman the loves a b-word?” and “What kind of person breaks up with someone via text?”
If she’s talked with her friends, family or therapist about this, they are probably telling her you are morlally bankrupt and not good for her. Until she resolves those two questions in her mind, it’s safe to say you are not getting back together.
Also, when she says, “she can’t believe she stayed with someone who calls her the b-word” she’s also questioning her own “moral judgement”.
“What kind of woman stays with a man who calls her the b-word?”
She’s not only angry and disgusted by you, she’s also angry and disgusted at herself for letting you (in her words) hurt and abuse her. She may be even asking herself what’s “wrong with her” and may not trust herself to make the right choices or decisions about men or relationships.
Until she heals from this, its again safe to say you are not getting back together,even if there are still feelings of love.
Does it mean it’s a lost cause? Not necessarily. It means that she needs time to process her emotions and you need to take responsibility for your role in her feeling the way she feels before you actively try to get back together.