Why Do People Find Aloof And Distant People Attractive?

Question: I’ve been with a guy for a year and a few months. He’s very sweet and charming but also acts aloof, cold and distant to a point where I resent him because then I want him so bad. This is when I do everything I know how to draw him closer but when he responds, I lose interest and start acting cold and aloof myself. He then becomes more interested in me but when I show interest, he breaks up with me. Right now, we’re not together and I know he expects me to make the first move. I’m trying to understand why people find those who act aloof and distant more attractive. And how can we have a normal relationship?

Yangki’s Answer: The sweet and charming but also acts aloof, cold and distant person you describe is likely a dismissive avoidant and you are likely a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidants tend to be interested in people who are not interested in them (and pursue them) but lose interest as soon as the other person shows interest. In other words, yours is a typical dismissive avoidant-fearful avoidant relationship dynamic.

Why do people find those who act aloof and distant more attractive?

First of all, not everyone finds people who act aloof and distant more attractive. For some people it makes them want someone more, and for others it’s an instant turn off.

Most people want someone who is capable of retuning the love, affection and care they give. And even for those who seem attracted to someone who is aloof, cold and distant, there comes a point when the thrill of the chase wears off and it starts to hurt chasing someone who can’t return love and affection.

In your case, as it happens with everyone with a a fearful avoidant attachment, the “interest” you feel when someone is  aloof, cold and distant is a learned trauma response from childhood. Fearful avoidants learned from childhood that love is both rewarding and painful, and the the person who loves you can also reject your, abandon you or hurt you. As adults they expect pleasure and pain, and when this is missing in a relationship, it doesn’t feel “right”. They either lose interest in the relationship or do things to create a dynamic where there is both pleasure and pain, and/or rejection and abandonment.

The part that’s even more sad is that you are drawn to aloof, cold and distant partners because they trigger your fear of rejection and abandonment. You want to “win them over” or “stop” them from rejecting or abandoning you, and this is where the “interest” and excitement comes from.

Can you have a normal relationship with this dynamic, yes you can have a “normal” relationship, but it won’t be a healthy one because both of you are acting out your insecure attachment styles.

If you’re looking for hook-ups or one night-stands, attraction to aloof, cold and distant people can work because all about the thrill of the chase. But if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you will have to work on healing your need to “win over” people who are aloof, cold and distant.

Problem is, most dismissive avoidants don’t think they need to change. Being aloof, cold and distant is a strategy that protects them from the hurt and pain that comes with relationships, and they’re not willing to give that up. So it’ll have to be you to do the work of healing and becoming secure enough to be able to change they dynamic of your relationships.

Sometimes becoming secure may not be enough, and walking away is the only best choice. It’ll hurt now, but it’s better than recreating the same childhood trauma over and over.