Question: I read your blog: The “Rules” and Playing Dating Mind Games. While I agree with some things you say, I do not think that women should be open and forthcoming in the first few dates. I’ve been out on great first few dates with a number of great guys but nothing that lasted for more than 3- 4 dates. The last guy I went out with was about 4 dates and like all the others, the first two dates he was aggressive and called me 3 – 4 times a day to set up the dates. The third date he cancelled but we ended up going out the following day. The last date we had he wanted to leave early because of something to do with work the following day. I never heard from him again.
I talked to some of my girlfriends and read books and articles why men lose interest after only a few dates and it seems that the mistake I make is revealing information about me. I’m careful as to who I reveal personal information to and try not to do it too much too and too soon, but it seems that I can’t get that right balance. One guy even thought I was shy because I was just answering his questions but not offering more information than he asked. May be I don’t play hard to get enough or may be I don’t know how. My question to you is: why do men lose interest after only a few dates?
Yangki’s Answer: I’m honoured that we can agree to disagree. I believe that the topic on whether women should play hard to get and how, is fully covered in the blog you mentioned and the comments made by others and by me. I want to more specifically focus on your experience with men losing interest after only a few dates.
I do not think that the reason men lose interest is necessarily because you reveal information about you. It is true that you have to be discerning when it comes to who, what and when you reveal personal information and it’s true that sometimes too much too soon turns men (and women) off. But I don’t think that it is the only reason men (and women) lose interest after only a few dates. It is possible that:
1. Getting to the information in the first place was too damn hard
When you make it too hard for someone to reach you or talk to you, he (or she) at some point starts to evaluate if trying to get to know you is worth his (or her) effort. Even if he (or she) really likes you and has put in some mileage trying to catch you, if the trouble of getting to you outweighs the thrill of the chase, chasing you ceases to be motivating and fun and becomes stressful. Unless of course, stressful situations make him (or her) feel alive and you can keep supplying the stress and drama. Needless to say, once the supply dries up he (or she) moves on to someone else who can supply him (or her) with the much needed stress and drama.
2. The information about you, your life, hobbies etc., was not all that interesting (or was baggage-loaded)
Boring people live boring lives and talk about boring things in a boring manner. That may sound cruel but it does not make it any less true. If you live a boring existence with nothing interesting happening, it’s just hard to put a spin on it to make it interesting. A little self-deprecating humour may sometimes help but only so far. There comes a point when the other person does actually begin to believe that if you say you are not all that, then may be you really aren’t all that.
That said, “boring” is relative. What may be “boring” to one person may be interesting/exciting to another. So either you 1) try to connect with men who are interested in the things you’re interested in or 2) make some interesting things happen in your life so that you have an interesting life to talk about or 3) if you have an interesting life but it’s not coming across that way in conversation, learn some ways to make conversation – any conversation – interesting (confidence, human warmth, humour, body language etc).
3. The initial attraction did not last
Even after having access to you and being able to talk to you (and often); and even if the information about you, your life etc. is very interesting and exciting, the person may still lose interest because 1) there are other things and other people competing for his/her attention, interest and time or; 2) you came across as too eager which often translates into desperate, needy and clingy in most people’s minds or 3) the novelty and excitement of meeting you wore off not because of anything you said or did but because attraction sometimes does fade especially when it wasn’t that very strong to begin with or was too strong but not deep enough to transition from chemistry to a relationship or 4) they were expecting sex but didn’t get it or got it and that’s all they wanted.
4. They didn’t think you were relationship worthy
Even after checking all the necessary boxes: Hot and sexy – check. Intelligent and funny – check. Independent and secure – check. Exciting and fun to hang out with – check… and so forth. A man (or woman) may still feel that you make a great date but not a great girlfriend (or boyfriend). How he (or she) comes to that conclusion depends on each individual man (or woman) and what he (or she) is looking for in a girlfriend (or boyfriend).
I hope that you do not limit yourself and your opportunities to meet and create a relationship with a great guy just because others say that you should not reveal information about yourself because it’ll make men lose interest. Look at all the other reasons men lose interest because you may just be missing something. Best!
Very interesting subject! There is absolutely No Rules (vs. The Rules!) that dictates that someone should keep interested after a few dates. There is no mathematical formula for this, whether the interest would last or not.
Releasing too much personal information is not the cause. Releasing very little info and faking mystery will not make oneself more interesting either. Each case is different. Advices from books or friends will create robotic patterns that will fail when dealing with human beings.
I love your blog. Gives me a real good feel. Keep up the good work.