Why Did My Fearful Avoidant Ex Ask If I Miss Them?

Question: Why did my fearful avoidant ex ask if I miss them?

My fearful avoidant ex and I reconnected after almost 2 years. I reached out to her not thinking that she would respond but she responded two days later. We caught up for an hour, then ended the conversation on a high note. I gave her space for 5 days and reached out again, she replied immediately but had to go after about 8 minutes. I waited a week and reached out again and she replied after 2 minutes. Since then I’ve been reaching out every 4 days, sometimes 5 and she responds very quickly. We mostly talk about what our day was like and update each other on our mutual friends. Slowly she started bringing up things about the relationship, some good memories but mostly why she broke up with me. But something weird happened. She asked me if I miss her. The first time she asked me, I said yes, I miss her, and got no response, not that I was expecting one, just wasn’t sure why she was asking. The second time, I said I miss her and asked if she misses me and she responded with “Does it matter?”. I said it does and she asked “Why?”, I replied because I wanted to know. She said she had to go. I reached out 4 days later, no response. I waited a week and reached out again, and no response. A day later, she reached out for the first time. I told her I was worried I had upset her, she said “Not at all.” She hasn’t asked me again, and I haven’t asked her about it. But I’ve noticed that our conversations are shorter and she takes longer to respond. Why did she ask me if I miss her, twice?

Yangki’s Answer: There are a few reasons I can think of why your fearful avoidant asked if you missed her:

1. She’s genuinely confused as to why you reached out after so long

It’s very possible that she’s genuinely confused as to why you reached out after so long. I think most people would be.

• Most people assume that if you don’t hear from an ex in a month, they probably met someone.
• If you don’t hear from them in 6 months, they’ve forgotten all about you.
• If you don’t hear from them in 2 years, they’re probably married with a kid.

It’s even possible that she thinks you reached out to get closure. It could explain why she brought up the relationship and why she broke up with you. Maybe she thought she owed you answers and that it could help you get closure. And now that she’s given you closure, she’s pulling away and disappearing back into the shadows of history.

2. She’s afraid of saying she missed you first

Fearful avoidants don’t want to look like they’re more into you than you are into them because somehow it makes them more vulnerable. So they say things or ask you questions that make it look like you are more into them.

It may explain why she said “Does it matter? when you asked if she misses you and “Why?” when you said it mattered. In that moment, you came across as more invested in her missing you and she was being “mysterious” and playing hard to get.

It also explains her “disappearing” and not responding to 2 of your reach outs, and then surprising you by reaching out. It is obvious she was playing some kind of game. Shorter conversations and taking longer to respond could all be part of playing hard to get.

3. She wanted to hear you say you missed her

A third explanation is that when you reached out to her after almost 2 years, she thought it was because you missed her, but you didn’t right away say you missed her. She waited to see if you would say it, but since you didn’t, she used asking if you miss her as a way to prompt you to say you do.

If I were you, I’d ask her why she asked you if you miss her. Fearful avoidants are very complicated when it comes to why they do the things they do. Some of them even don’t know why. You might also want to dig a little bit and find out if she’s in a relationship, and what her dating history has been since you broke up. You might find that she never got over you, is happy that you reached out but also scared at the same time. She may also be asking what you reaching out means and scared that she may get hurt again if she acts on her feelings.

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