Why Do Avoidant Exes Come Back When You Stop Pursuing Them?

Question: Don’t avoidant exes come back when you stop pursuing them? In relationships doesn’t everyone play games one way or the other? Isn’t it part of human nature to want what we can’t have? The Law of Scarcity is the oldest trick in the book and used in economics everyday. The more scarce you are, the more they want you. I’ve seen it with many men I’ve dated. When a woman becomes the pursuer, the guy pulls a disappearing act and when she stops pursuing him, he comes back.

Yangki’s Answer: It will come as a surprise to you, but not everyone play games, and not all avoidant exes come back because you stopped pursuing them. In fact many exes are turned off by mind games, especially if one has a secure attachment or dismissive avoidant attachment style.

Is it part of human nature to want what we can’t have?

I don’t think it’s “human nature” to want what we can’t have. I explain the Psychology of wanting what we can’t have comes in this article. It’s a vicious cycle of want.

This is why the law of supply and demand works in economics. When applied to human relationships, it messes with the very idea of why we get into relationship in the first place. And people using the law of supply and demand don’t exactly have the best relationships — let alone long lasting relationships. And they are not the best relationship partners either.

Do avoidant exes come back when you stop pursuing them?

You are right that avoidant exes can sometimes become “interested” when you stop pursuing them, but — this is very important — only fearful avoidant exes pursue others. If you are trying to attract back an avoidant ex, it’s important to distinguish dismissive avoidants from fearful avoidants. While they are often grouped as “avoidants”, they are very different from each other.

Dismissive avoidants have high attachment avoidance but low attachment anxiety — which means that they don’t get anxious when you stop pursuing them. They also don’t place much importance to relationships and avoid closeness. They value their freedom and independence over relationship.

When you pursue a dismissive avoidant ex, they’ll feel like you are trying to take away their freedom and independence, and run. When you stop pursuing a dismissive avoidant, they’ll not feel threatened anymore but they’ll also not be interested in re-starting contact because they fear you’ll start pursuing them again.

And because they don’t think relationships are important, dismissive avoidant exes will not pursue you. It’s just not in the nature of their attachment style to pursue a romantic interest.

Why a fearful avoidant ex feel insecure when you stop pursuing them

As long as you are “unavailable”, there is no risk for a fearful avoidant ex getting close or being rejected. But as soon as you show interest or wants to get close, fearful avoidant ex will freak out and run. Then when it looks like you’re out of their reach or “unavailable” again — a fearful avoidant starts pursuing them.

While some fearful avoidant exes come back when you stop pursuing them, pursuer-distancer or anxious-avoidant dynamics is not good for the health of a relationship long term.

There is no true closeness or intimacy because you are never turning towards each other at the same time. One person is always running and the other pursuing. Even when you turn towards each other, those moments are too brief for true closeness to develop and grow into a strong and lasting emotional bond. Many pursuer-distancer or anxious-avoidant end in on-and-off-again relationships.

Does that mean anxious-avoidant relationship is doomed?

Of course not! People who “can’t get close until you back off” actually want to be close. They just have all kinds of fears about being close to another person. And because of their fear of getting close, many avoidants have never known what’s like to be close to someone. They have had chemistry, they have had feelings, and they have felt attracted to someone, but have never allowed themselves to get too close; the kind of closeness that requires vulnerability.

Some of them may have been “close” to someone at some point in their lives and the experience wasn’t a very good one, or ended in deep hurt, and they decided that getting close is too risky.

What they need is to feel that it’s “safe” to be close to someone. They need to know that they don’t have to pull away to feel safe. It can happen within the safety and closeness of a loving relationship.

RELATED:

The Truth Behind Avoidants “Want What They Can’t Have”

After You Stop Chasing Dismissive Avoidants Still Don’t Return