You may have read this many times in my writings: people want to be with us because of the way we make them feel about themselves.
Selfish, you might think and that’s understandable.
We all like to think that someone is with us because of who we are and what we bring to the relationship, and to a larger degree that’s so true. Who we are and what we bring to the relationship is what makes us attractive to a particular individual.
But relationships are a little more complex than that. Who we are and what we bring to the relationship is only of value to the other person if it actually translates into how it makes them feel about themselves. If it makes them feel good about themselves — fortunate to have you, attractive because someone like you is attracted to them, valued because you show him or her that she or he is worth the time, effort and love etc. – you will be and will remain a valued date, partner or spouse.
But that can change depending on how the person feels.
Someone who a few months ago thought you were “the man/woman they’d never leave” can find him or herself feeling like “this is not what I want anymore”. You may still be the very same person he or she adored before but now won’t even bring him or herself to touch or kiss.
You didn’t change, the way the person feels changed! Before they felt wonderful for having you in their lives, and now they are either not sure about how they feel or are sure that how they feel is not how they want to be feeling about themselves.
Someone who is verbal by nature will complain, nag, say mean things and even act out their internal turmoil. In most cases however, how they feel about themselves will slowly show up in their attitude and behaviour — mental manipulation, passive aggression, resentment, etc.– and some people will just tune out and others may go look for that “good feeling” elsewhere.
You’re left there wondering, “we were happy, what happened,?”
What happened is that they don’t feel the same way they felt a few days, weeks, months or years ago.
Sometimes how the other person feels about him or herself has nothing to do with you at all, and sometimes it has everything to do with you. Knowing what has to do with him or her, and what has to do with you can be the difference between being able to re-ignite that initial “feeling” of attraction and parting ways for good.