Why Did My Ex Contact Me Then Disappear?


Question: Why did my ex contact me, say she missed me and then disappear. She broke up with me after 3 years together. I initiated contact after the break-up. After 45 days of no contact, I sent her a text message and attached photo of us. It was one of her favorite photos. She did not reply. Then 6 months after the break-up, and out of the blue she contacts me. I waited 30 minutes, then asked if I can call her. We talked for 45 hours. She said she missed me and it’d be nice to see each other again. I told her I missed her too and wanted to see her again. I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve texted, emailed and called but no response. It’s been 10 days. I know she’s seeing someone and just don’t understand I’m feeling crashed.

Yangki’s Answer: If it helps at all, what you’re going through happens to a lot of people (unfortunately). There are several reasons an ex will contact you out of the blue and then goes quiet again or completely disappears.

1) She just wanted to see if you still had feelings for her (ego trip);

2) If she dumped you, she may have felt some guilt and was concerned about how you were doing;

3) She was feeling lonely or bored (or both) and impulsively contacted you with no real interest in re-opening the lines of communication or even getting back together;

4) She genuinely missed you and contacted you thinking that she was ready for re-engagement but realized she was not;

5) She still wants to see you again but something important that has nothing to do with you came up.

6) She may be a fearful-avoidant who wants contact but is scared of rejection.

It could be any one of these reasons or none. It’s why it’s always wise not read too much into one or even 3 sporadic contacts from an ex.

In this case, no point in trying to contact her again. Wait for her to contact you again and if she does, ask her a direct question, e.g. “Is this a mind game you are playing?”

Someone who is not playing a mind game and is genuinely trying to build a relationship will try to reassure you it’s not. Someone who is playing a mind game will most likely not respond and disappear again, or will respond and pretend she does not know what you are talking about.


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  1. says: Natali

    I think most us want to hear that no contact works, that they miss us. I certainly did. But after him initiating contact and giving me hope only to disappear, and he did this 2 times, I realized I really don’t want him to contact me.

    Don’t give them spaces because you want them to miss you and come back, give space because YOU need it to heal and move on.

  2. says: Drums

    My ex said she wants no contact but periodically sends me a text. I’ve noticed a pattern. The only time she contacts me is when she wants emotional support. She has problems with her mom and says I’m the only person she can talk to. She does this then disappears for weeks. When I contact her she does not respond.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      She is using you for emotional support because you are allowing it. If you really want this to stop then you need to speak up. Tell her you’ve noticed that the only time she contacts you is when she wants emotional support. You care about her and want her to feel that she can share her problems with you, but not in the way she’s doing it. You have feelings too and if she can not see that, then this is not a kind of arrangement you want to be in.

      If she does not see what’s wrong with what she’s doing, you are better off without her.

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