Why Did My Avoidant Ex Reach Out Then Disappear?

Question: Why did my dismissive avoidant ex reach out and then disappear? 

She broke up with me after 3 years together. I initiated no contact because I was so hurt and needed time to heal. After 45 days of no contact, I sent her a text message and attached photo of us. It was one of her favorite photos. She did not reply. Then 4 months after the break-up, and out of the blue she contacted me. I waited 30 minutes, then asked if I can call her. We talked for 45 minutes. I told her I missed her and wanted to see her again, and she said “let’s see how the week goes”. I never heard from her again. I sent 3 text messages and all were left on unread. It’s now 3 weeks and I’m feeling crashed. My question to you is why do avoidants reach out and when you respond, they disappear. Why do they even bother to reach out if they’re just going to disappear?

Yangki’s Answer:  Dismissive avoidants as you know do not seek connection with others or reach out to exes very often. But there is enough evidence to show that they reach out to exes who made enough impact in a dismissive avoidant’s life to make them want to seek out connection. In other words, t’s a good sing that your dismissive avoidant ex reached out.

There are several reasons why she did not respond when you reached out after no contact including she may have thought it was too soon to re-establish connection, she was in a rebound relationship and contact between the two of you, thought that you might ant to get back together, she was acting like a typical dismissive avoidant not wanting connection etc.

When she reached out, she was ready to connect and even reopen the lines of communication. Since 4 months had passed since the breakup, she may have also thought that you could not be friends or at least reconnect and see how things go. But either you saying you missed her or you asking to see her triggered her and caused her to disappear. She may have interpreted you saying you missed her or you asking to see her as you wanting to get back together and got scared away.

I think that if you miss someone you should tell them. It shows that you value them and value the relationship you had. But when dealing with dismissive avoidants who are generally weary of people needing and depending on them for their happiness, it’s good practice to take the temperature of your dynamic and/or their mood before saying “I miss you”.

It didn’t help that when she disappeared it triggered your attachment anxiety. Sending her those 3 text messages that were all unread likely made your dismissive avoidant ex feel like you were chasing her and it pushed her deeper into deactivation. She may even be regretting reaching out because it gave you the impression she wanted to get back together.

She may reach out again, but being a dismissive avoidant, the likelihood of that happening is very low. And the more time passes after the breakup, the less the chances that a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant will want to come back.


Should An Anxious Attachment Go Back To An Avoidant Ex?

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment And “Longing” For An Ex

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – Explained In Detail

What Makes A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Miss You And Come Back?

How An Avoidant Ex Reacts When You Reach Out After No Contact

10 Silly Mind Games Your Ex Is Playing To Get You Back

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3 replies on “Why Did My Avoidant Ex Reach Out Then Disappear?”
  1. says: Natali

    I think most us want to hear that no contact works, that they miss us. I certainly did. But after him initiating contact and giving me hope only to disappear, and he did this 2 times, I realized I really don’t want him to contact me.

    Don’t give them spaces because you want them to miss you and come back, give space because YOU need it to heal and move on.

  2. says: Drums

    My ex said she wants no contact but periodically sends me a text. I’ve noticed a pattern. The only time she contacts me is when she wants emotional support. She has problems with her mom and says I’m the only person she can talk to. She does this then disappears for weeks. When I contact her she does not respond.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      She is using you for emotional support because you are allowing it. If you really want this to stop then you need to speak up. Tell her you’ve noticed that the only time she contacts you is when she wants emotional support. You care about her and want her to feel that she can share her problems with you, but not in the way she’s doing it. You have feelings too and if she can not see that, then this is not a kind of arrangement you want to be in.

      If she does not see what’s wrong with what she’s doing, you are better off without her.

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