Avoidant Ex Reached Out After 45 Days Then Disappeared

Question: Why did my avoidant ex reach out and then disappear? 

She broke up with me after 3 years together. I initiated no contact immediately because I was so hurt and needed time to heal. After 45 days of no contact, I sent her a text message and attached photo of us. It was one of her favorite photos. She did not reply. Then 4 months after the break-up, and out of the blue she contacted me. I waited 30 minutes, then asked if I can call her. We talked for 45 minutes. I told her I missed her and wanted to see her again, and she said “let’s see how the week goes”. I never heard from her again. I sent 3 text messages and all were left on unread. It’s now 3 weeks and I’m feeling crashed. My question to you is why do avoidants reach out and when you respond, they disappear. Why do they even bother to reach out if they’re just going to disappear?

Yangki’s Answer:  Good question. Let’s start from the beginning step-by-step:

1. You initiated no contact immediately after the breakup

You did’t indicate if she was a fearful or dismissive avoidant, why you broke up and if you communicated to her that you were so hurt and needed time to heal all determine how an avoidant feels about no contact.

• With a fearful avoidant: They may feel conflicted; part of them misses you, part fears getting too close – so no contact can feel both painful and relieving.
• With a dismissive avoidant: They usually detach quickly and may feel neutral or relieved; no contact often reinforces their independence rather than trigger longing.

2. You reached out after 45 days of no contact – she didn’t reply

There are several reasons why she did not respond when you reached out after no contact including:

• If she’s a fearful avoidant, she may have felt resentment for being abandned even when she was the one who intiated the breakup.
• She may have thought it was too soon to re-establish connection
• She was in a rebound relationship
• She thought that you might ant to get back together
• She was acting like a typical dismissive avoidant not wanting connection etc.

3. She reached out of the blue 4 months later

She may have reached out to see if there were still feelings there but had no intention of taking things any further than just a reach out. But the fact that when you asked to call her, she agreed and you talked for 45 minutes says that was more than just “check to see if feelings where still there” reach out. Ther eis obviously a part of her that missed you but whether she was ready to connect and even reopen the lines of communication is another matter.

Avoidant exes can miss you but still not want to get back together. And since 4 months had passed since the breakup, she may have also thought that you could not be friends or at least connect and see how things go.

4. You told her you missed her and wanted to see her again

If didn’t reach out just to “check to see if feelings where still there” but actually wanted to reopen the lines of communication, then it’s likely that either you saying you missed her or you asking to see her triggered her and caused her to disappear.

She may have interpreted you saying you missed her or you asking to see her as you wanting to get back together. Her saying, “let’s see how the week goes” may haave been her way of saying “step on the breaks”.

5. You sent 3 text messages and all were left on unread

When you send an avoidant ex three messages and leaves all are unread, it usually means they’re actively distancing and avoiding the discomfort of responding. It’s a sign to stop contacting them and focus on your own healing.

Will she reach out again? She may reach out again, especially if she’s a fearful avoidant. Fearful avoidants have a tendency to pull away when they feel pressured, scared, overwhelmed or unsure about how they feel but then lean back in when they feel longing or unresolved emotions.

But if she’s a dismissive avoidant, the likelihood of that happening is very low. And the more time passes after the breakup, the less the chances that a dismissive avoidant will reach out or want to come back.

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