Why Can’t My Ex Decide If They Want Me Back?- Pt 2

1. Knowing that your ex is a maximiser (and that he/she is not just leading you on) is the first step to dealing with his/her mixed signals.

The next step is exercising a little more patient and showing some understanding.

Your ex is not going to one day just snap out of it. If this is the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with, this is what you may be dealing with for the rest of your life, or at least until they seek help and “snap” out of it.

2. Since it’s the decision making process more than the actual final decision (that will come later) that your is so conflicted about, it might help if instead of trying to get him/her to “get back together”, you break down the process into smaller steps/commitments that are realistic and achievable.

You’ve got to be really creative here, or less you’ll end up with more decisions that your ex agonizes over.

3. If you are good friends who can talk just about everything without the other talking it the “wrong way”, encourage your ex to get professional help (not me, I am just a relationship coach…:)). Sometimes couples therapy can help.

4. Show understanding and support him/her, but decide where your limits lie.

Truth is, your ex could go on in this state of indecisiveness indefinitely. That’s why you need to be assertive, draw the line, compassionately communicate how long you are willing to wait for him/her to make a decision, and let the chips fall where they may.

Unconditional love all that sounds great, but you need to take care of you too. You can’t be “loving” when you don’t have any love left for yourself. If it means walking away, then walk away knowing there wasn’t anything more that you could do. It is what it is.

Bottom line, being a maximiser doesn’t mean that a person can’t decide at all. He/she is just more obsessed with what is involved in making a decision than what the final decision is.

If you are a maximiser, you need to keep in mind that while it’s important to take as much time as possible making an important decision such as getting back together, and while it’s absolutely very important that you carefully consider if getting back together is the right decision, taking too much time to decide can allow for other unwanted things to happen… like your ex getting involved with someone else.

Uh-Oh! Here we go! Now you are going to start worrying about your ex getting involved with someone else.

Related articles: Anxious Attacher -Avoidant Ex Dynamic).

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  1. says: Merethe

    BU 6 months ago. together 9 years, one child, house, cars etc.
    He still have 90% of his belongings see at home, we are in a relationship on Facebook, with both of us having photos of each other on the main site. Have had daily contact since december 12th. Texting, meet ups, family time, family weekend away skiing.
    He said to his mother one that he felt us becoming closer the last weeks. But he still don`t know. I am starting to feel like I do not have anymore to give. I need some guidance.

      1. says: Yangki Akiteng

        Unfortunately, no. Due to a heavy schedule, I don’t offer email coaching as a stand alone service anymore.

        I offer daily EMAIL SUPPORT as a part of the on-going coaching package.

  2. says: Regina

    Yangki, my ex is a maximiser and has always been one as long as I have known him. He’s a straight up guy who does not play games but I read too many articles on other sites about ex leading you on and I think I have been pushing him too hard. I need to be patient and let him make his decision without any pressure.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      If he’s a maximiser, the pressure to make a decision may be what is holding him back. Take away the pressure and see what happens.

  3. says: LostinPA

    Hi Yangki,

    I was reading your book and I’m wondering if you think your methods work for someone like me whose boyfriend broke up with me basically because he’s a maximizer – he is having trouble committing to forever and doesn’t want to keep hurting me. I obviously am not perfect in the relationship – I feel I may have pushed him to forever a bit quickly and have not been myself for a while due to his indecision, but I don’t feel like the “blame” really lays with me or that I need to drastically change. He just needs to choose to be with me.


    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      Yes, the advice in my book works for the majority of situations, especially where the ex is open to some form of contact. However, I do recognize that there are some unique differences in relationships, break-ups and even personalities, that is why I offer one-on-one coaching — to understand what’s unique about a relationship and give advice tailored for the specific relationship or ex.

      I am happy to work with you on what needs to change and how, what you can do so that he chooses to be with you.

  4. says: Casandra

    Yangki, I recently found your site and have been reading your articles and following your advice. He replies to my texts but does not say much. he said to me it feels like talking to a stranger after not talking for so long. I make sure I connect emotionally and he seems to respond to that. However, since last Friday he has not responded to any of my texts. Before that he said he does not want to lead me on because he is not ready for a relationship right now. I told him I was not expecting anything but just wanted to see where things go. He seemed okay with it that is why him not responding a little disturbing. We did have other conversations after he told me he does not want to lead me on and even talked about going out to a game. We both like sports. I don’t want to panic, but I am worried i will not hear from him again. What do you think I should do?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      It’s only been 4 days, neither of you is doing NC, so give it time. He responded regularly before and you didn’t have a fight. There are reasons a person doesn’t respond – some of which have nothing to do with you. If it gets to a week or 10 days and you still haven’t heard from him, send him a text asking if he is alright/you’re worried about him. If he still doesn’t respond, then chances are he does not want to give you false hopes of getting back together or risking falling for you again.

  5. says: Frank P.

    My ex-wife finally agreed to meet and talk. She says she wants to take things slow and see where it goes. Is that good or bad?