Think your ex is just being stubborn, playing mind games, stringing you along, leading you on? This study will make you completely re-think why your ex can’t decide if they want you back, and what you can about it.
If you needed to get a new phone, how do you make your decision?
1. Do you worry about choosing the right phone? Do thorough research to compare all the specifics, read the forums to see what others are saying and ask almost everyone you know what they think? And after you finally buy the phone, do you worry that maybe you didn’t make the best choice?
2. Do you decide in advance what’s most import to you; and don’t need a lot of information or options to compare? Do you go with your gut and buy the phone that meets most of the things you’re looking for?
According to assistant professor of psychology at Florida State University, Joyce Ehrlinger, there are two types of decision-makers;
- Maximisers – who obsess over every decision before and after making one, and
- Satisficers – who are content with whatever decision they make.
If your ex is a maximiser, not to alarm you or anything; Houston, you have a problem!
According to Joyce Ehrlinger, ‘maximisers’ want to be certain they made the right decision. But making that “right” decision is a never-ending process.
Maximisers spend months making a decision most people make in a minute. And even after they’ve made a decision, they are still not happy or satisfied with their decision because they cannot be absolutely certain they made the ‘perfect decision’. This causes enormous amounts of anxiety and stress, and some maximisers even go into depression over simple decisions.
And it’s not just buying a phone, house, coffee-maker, and even socks that maximsers stress about. They also agonize over applying for a job, and second-guess their relationship partners.
The study published in journal Personality and Individual Differences claims that this indecision and desire to make the right decision and right choice drives off partners. Because maximisers have a hard time making decisions, they also have a hard time making a commitment.
If your ex is a mazimiser, it may feel like your ex is leading you on
What this means is that, if your ex is a satisficer they’re going to decide very quickly if they want you back or not. If your ex decides they want you back, they’ll do what it takes to get back together. As long as certain problems or their concerns are resolved; they’re good. On the other hand, if your ex decides that they don’t want you back; they’re likely to stick with their decision. No regrets.
If your ex is a maximiser, they’re going to keep you wondering if they’re ever going to decide. Because their decision making strategy is to weigh choices carefully; get back together or not, they’re un likely to decide until they’ve deeply examined every option.
Your ex may even be wondering if there’s someone else out there who’s an even better fit for them; and may even want to date a few people before making a decision.
This never-ending decision-making process can sometimes feel like your ex is leading you on. If you are lucky, they’ll tell you what is holding them back from making a decision; but most of the time all they’ll tell you is that “something” is missing or “something” just doesn’t feel right. When you ask them what that “something” is, they can’t tell you what it is; or they tell you one thing one time and another thing another time.
Your ex could go on in this state of indecisiveness indefinitely
If you are right now dealing with one, you may be going crazy with their indecision. To be honest with you, I can’t blame you. I know some ‘maximisers’ and they literally “scratch” my brain with their agonizing obsession over decisions most people make with little or no problem at all.
They ask me for my opinion about something; then go to another friend/family member/expert and ask what they think about what I said. Then come back to me and ask me what I think about what the friend/family member/expert said about what I said. But even that is still not good enough.
Trying to understand your maximizer ex frustrating. And like like I said, it may feel like your ex is playing you like a fiddle. But if:
- it’s not in your ex’s nature to play mind games or lead others on
- you’ve seen him/her worry (too much) about other decisions, or
- have had your “everything is going to be okay” moments with him/her (too many as a matter of fact).
That’s your ex being the maximiser that they’re.
So what do you do, walk away if you ex can’t decide if they want you back? That’s certainly an option. There is however another option. It involves a little bit of work, and patience… continue reading