If you continued reading this from previous article; it means that you’ve decided you’re not going to walk away just because your ex can’t decide if they want you back. Good for you.
Being a maximiser doesn’t mean that your ex can’t decide at all or will never make a decision. They’re just more obsessed with what is involved in making a decision.
Since maximizers tend to search for the best alternative when making a choice, and a break-up suggests that an ex may not be the best choice, you need to be assertive, draw the line, compassionately communicate how long you are willing to wait for them to decide, and let the chips fall where they may.
The first thing you need to do is make sure your ex is a maximizer and not just leading you on. Look at how they’ve made decisions into he past. Once you’re sure you’re dealing with a maximizer, see if you can help break down the process into smaller steps/commitments that are realistic and achievable. For example, “Lets talk on the phone once a week for the next month. See how you feel about it, then we can decide the next step”.
Since it’s the decision-making process more than the actual final decision (that’ll come later) that your ex is struggling with; focus on all of the things that are good about making the decision.
If you are a maximiser reading this, you need to keep in mind that while it’s:
important to take as much time as possible making an important decision such as getting back together;
absolutely very important that you carefully consider if getting back together is the right decision
Taking too much time may make your ex decide you are leading them on and walk away. Too much time deciding can allow for other unwanted things to happen, like your ex getting involved with someone else.
In my small way of trying to help, I have compiled a list (from working with clients and a little research) that I think will help maximisers decide if they want their ex back, or not.
If you strongly feel that your relationship needs a more in-depth look at, I am happy to discuss the unique details of your relationship and/or your chances of getting back together one-on-one.
1. Chances of getting back together: VERY GOOD.
- Friendship/Close: You have a favourable view of each other and share deep respect and affection. Even broken up, you still support each other and want what’s best for the other.
- Friendship/Very Close:- You share a deep emotional bond developed over time. The relationship has ended but the deep level of understanding, respect, trust and affection is still very strong.
2. Chances of getting back together: GOOD (but needs work).
- Positive Affection: You have strong attraction and mutual respect for each other but communication is very limited due to differences in attachment and communication styles and/or distance, schedules, responsibilities etc .
- Fused/Co-dependent: You have deep affection for each which became co-dependant with little room for your own identities. You contact each other but there is always the fear (on both sides) that things could get needy/clingy again.
3. Chances of getting back together: NEUTRAL (things could go either way).
- Close-Distrust:- You still like each other and talk often but your views on the relationship and/or break-up contradict each other, and you are both convinced you are right. One (or both) of you had a negative view of the other doesn’t trust the other’s intentions.
- Close-Hostile:- You can’t stay away from each other, but when you are together (or in contact), you argue and say mean and hurtful things to each other.
- Close-Too Soon: You are both attracted to each other, but one of you is more into the other and as a result, things are moving/moved faster than the other wanted.
4. Chances of getting back together: NOT GOOD (something major has to change).
- Manipulative – Controlling: You have strong attraction to each other but it’s based on mind games and struggle for more power in the relationship. Contact is stressful and sporadic.
- Distant – Hostile: You rarely communicate or see each other, but when you communicate or see each other, it’s obvious that the anger and hostility is still raw and strong.
- Cut Off/Estranged: You have no contact at all. Where there had been love, affection and friendship is indifference and apathy.
- Never Met: You met online but have never physically met.
5. Chances of getting back together: NOT A GOOD IDEA.
- Intense Enmity – You feel resentment, wish harm upon each other and take pleasure in each other’s misery.
- Abusive: The relationship was emotionally and physically abusive.
- Obsessive: One of you has an unhealthy focus on the other and may or may not include stalking.