Why Avoidants Run Away and How They FEEL After Running Away

I was talking to a client with a dismissive avoidant attachment style and we got to the topic of sometimes “wanting to run away from everything”; and he started to struggle with explaining what that felt like for him.

I usually don’t interfere when a dismissive avoidant is struggling to explain their feelings because I know as one who was one myself that one of the most irritating things you can ever do to a dismissive avoidant (and many fearful avoidants leaning dismissive) is try to describe their feelings for them.

From my own personal experience and many other dismissive avoidants I talk to, why they get irritated is because many of them grow up feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or expected to hide what they really feel, so they develop the belief that other people either cannot understand them accurately or will misinterpret them anyway.

So I let him try to explain feeling like he sometimes wants to run away and be by himself, but when he said “you know what I mean” referring to my articles about being a dismissive avoidant, I saw the opportunity to offer some help – and I said “sensory overload”.

“Yes, yes, yes” he said very excited.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant leaning dismissive, you’ve noticed them get very quite, walk away or act irritated due to “sensory overload”, but may be you didn’t have a word for it either – or didn’t really understand why they “ran away”.

What “sensory overload” feels like

The overload is usually emotional and neurological rather than purely physical, though physical stimulation can contribute too.

Common triggers include:

1. Too much emotional intensity

Frequent emotional discussions, conflict, crying, repeated reassurance-seeking, or pressure to “open up” can overwhelm a dismissive avoidant’s processing capacity.

Their attachment system may interpret emotional intensity as danger rather than connection.

2. Feeling constantly monitored

Many dismissive avoidants become exhausted when they feel continuously emotionally monitored:

• “What are you thinking?”
• “Why are you quiet?”
• “Are you upset?”

Even caring attention can begin to feel invasive when there is little room to mentally disengage.

3. Excessive communication

Constant talking or texting, rapid-fire conversations, or expectations for immediate responses can create cognitive overload.

A dismissive avoidant often regulates stress through mental space and internal processing. Without pauses, they may feel like they “can’t think straight.”

4. Multitasking emotional demands

Most dismissive avoidants can comfortably multitask on tasks, projects and maintaining daily responsibilities. But emotionally, they become overloaded when they must simultaneously:

• Manage their own emotions
• Reassure another person
• Stay emotionally present
• Resolve conflict quickly

Their attachment system “overheats” and that can lead to shutdown, withdrawal or physically “running” away.

6. Environmental overstimulation

Noise, crowded environments, lack of “alone time”, social obligations, and relationship stress can quickly max out a dismissive avoidant’s internal “bandwidth”.

How they often respond to sensory overload

When overwhelmed, a dismissive avoidant may:

• Go quieter or become less communicative
• Freeze or go emotionally numb (the “deer in the headlights” response)
• Become irritable or highly critical
• Physically leave the situation
• Isolate from everyone
• Hyper-focus on work, hobbies, or routines

This is often their attachment system attempting to reduce stimulation by shutting out any more sensory input and bringing the level of emotional and mental input back to manageable levels.

Why many avoidants struggle to explain what they’re feeling

I explained in the beginning of the article that many of dismissive avoidants were never taught or allowed to verbalize emotions – especially emotions that were considered a sign of weakness such as fear, worry, anger, sadness, frustration or hurt.

They learned to keep quiet about what they were feeling — and even when they tried to verbalize their emotions, caregivers often “corrected” them by telling them that they shouldn’t be feeling that way. In adult relationships, they often don’t verbalize their feelings, which makes it easy for others to unintentionally project their own feelings and experiences onto them and misunderstand what they are actually experiencing.

So when someone confidently suggests, “this is how you feel,” it can feel deeply frustrating because their internal experience is often far more complex or hidden than what others see on the surface.

Instead of saying, “I am afraid, worried, angry, sad, frustrated, or hurt,” or recognizing that “my senses are overloaded right now” or “my emotional bandwidth is maxed out,” they may only say:

• “This is too much.”
• “I can’t deal with this right now.”
• “I can’t think straight.”
• “I need to get away from here, NOW.”

What they feel after they “run away”

Each dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant leaning dismissive is different. Different relationships and situations also trigger different feelings and responses, but there are common themes that often follow feeling like they want “to run away from everything” or actually running away.

1. Feeling like they can “breath” again or “think straight” again

Creating distance or running away immediately reduces the sensory overload.

The more the sensory overload the more isolation they need. Sometimes they shut out everyone and everything that adds emotional, mental, or sensory pressure because solitude feels like the only way to regulate their attachment system and regain a sense of control.

2. Irritated when asked about their emotional state

I explained in another article that in these moments asking admissive avoidant:

• “What are you thinking?”
• “Why are you quiet?”
• “Are you upset?”

Can make them lose their calm, cool and collected demeanour, and snap or pull away even further. In this state, even simple questions can feel overwhelming because they require emotional access and verbal processing at a moment when their system is already overloaded.

3. Frustrated with themselves

After the emotional equilibrium has been restored, many dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants leaning dimissive feel embarrassed or frustrated with themselves for what they consider “a moment of weakness” where they allowed how they feel get the best of them.

Because many were taught to associate an emotional reaction with weakness, losing composure or needing to emotionally “run away” triggers self-criticism, embarrassment, or a desire to suppress those feelings even more.

4. A strong urge so isolate

What began as needing to briefly step away from the cause of the overwhelm sometimes ends up in a deactivation because now they need even more space and time to deal with the self-criticism, embarrassment and self-blame.

And if there’s one attachment style that is especially hard on itself for showing what it perceives as “emotional weakness,” it’s the dismissive avoidant attachment style.

What to do if you’re trying to get them back

If your trying to get back with a dismissive avoidant ex, or a fearful avoindat leaning dismissive, understanding:

• Why they sometimes feel the urgent need to “run away”
• What they are feeling when they run away
• Why they isolate, and
• Why they can remain in deactivation for long periods

Can help you approach them with more awareness rather than taking their running away from connection and isolating personally.

It can also help you see what might causing them sensory overload and reduce the sensory pressure so the don’t have to feel like they need to run away.

Keeping sensory input at a tolerable level is something securely attached people naturally do, which is one reason avoidants often behave differently with them. They don’t see the need to withdraw as a weakness, but they also don’t accommodate it in ways that create an unhealthy dynamic where the relationship is structured around emotional distance.

Instead, they reduce the overall emotional load, making it easier for an avoidant to stay connected instead of feeling the need to run away

They’re still responsible for their own self-work

All that said – and coming from a secure attachment perspective – an avoidant is still responsible for learning to:

• Communicate their feelings so that they feel fully understood
• Not be overly sensitive to others asking what they think or feel (especially if a partner or ex is simply trying to understand their internal experience)
• Become more comfortable showing how they truly feel
• Increase their emotional capacity to stay present during stressful periods
• Navigate a world that can feel emotionally loud or filled with too much emotional input

So do what you can to reduce sensory pressure, but understanding their internal experience should create compassion — not excuse unhealthy communication, emotional unavailability, or complete withdrawal from accountability.

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