Why Avoidant Ex Who Only Responds Starts Initiating Contact

If things ended on good terms and you kept contact after the breakup, it’s likely that you and your avoidant ex kept contact. It’s also likely that both of you initiate contact.

Often times anxiously attached reach out more just because their attachment style needs more connection. You may be initiating most of the contact, but every now and then an avoidant imitates it too because the safety from after the breakup carried over.

But if one of you initiated no contact after the breakup, connection is discontinued, until one person reaches out.

Usually an anxiously attached initiates the first contact, and that tends to be the pattern for a while. Even when an avoidant initiates the first contact, things usually fall into a pattern where an anxious person does of the initiating contact after that first initial contact by an avoidant.

In my experience this lasts from 4 – 8 weeks of consistent safe contact

It’s shorter for some people and longer for others depending on a number of factors, including the type of relationship you had before the breakup, why you broke up, if reflection moved them to view you more positively or negatively, whether they’re in a rebound etc.

All of this can affect how quickly they become comfortable enough and start taking a more active role.

Their comfort with contact also depends on what is going on between the two of you. How you communicate, how they experience connection, and whether old relationship dynamics start showing up again.

If things are going well, you’ll usually see them initiate contact once, then go back to responding for a while. But over time, those gaps between they initiate contact tend to get shorter, and they start initiating contact more consistently.

What makes them star initiating contact

It’s usually not one specific thing. It’s a combination of what has happened between you, how they’re experiencing the connection, and how they’re feeling about the possibility of getting back together.

1. They’re more comfortable with the connection

Over several weeks, they can see that being back in contact doesn’t automatically bring back the intensity, conflict or pressure they experienced before. As their experience of the reconnection becomes more positive and predictable, they can become less hesitant about moving towards you themselves.

Their contact starts to feel less like something they are reacting to and more like something they are choosing.

2. Their investment is increasing

As the reconnection becomes more meaningful to them, they become more motivated to maintain it rather than simply respond when you initiate. They begin to have their own reasons for wanting contact, whether that’s wanting to share something with you, hear from you, or simply keep the connection going.

This is often when you start seeing them initiate occasionally rather than only respond.

3. Their perception of you has changed

They may begin to experience you as more independent, emotionally safer and easier to connect with. This can change how they feel when interacting with you because they are no longer experiencing the same relationship dynamics that contributed to the breakup. As their perception of you becomes more positive, moving towards you can start to feel more appealing.

4. They see a future in the connection

At first, they may be comfortable reconnecting without knowing where it is going. But once they start believing that the relationship could actually develop into something worthwhile again, their motivation changes. They have more reason to invest in the connection, and that is when you’re more likely to see them take a more active role in keeping it going — including initiating contact themselves.

They start initiating in response to how you show up

Avoidants often don’t start initiating contact in a vacuum. Their attachment system is wired to pay attention to how safe or demanding closeness feels before moving towards it. If contact has previously been associated with pressure, conflict, emotional demands or feeling overwhelmed, they will be more comfortable responding because there is less risk, and they have more control than when they reach out.

In other words, their willingness to move towards you is influenced by how they experience you during the reconnection.

When you show up in a way that feels different from before (without pressure, excessive reassurance-seeking or trying to force the relationship forward), they experience contact with you differently. They see that they can reach out without it immediately turning into something bigger than they are ready for.
As that experience is repeated, they can become more willing to take the initiative themselves.

RELATED:

How to Make Contact with Your Avoidant Ex More Balanced

Make Sure To Do THIS When an Avoidant Ex Initiates Contact

Should I Let My Ex Initiate All Contact? (I’m The Dumpee)