Why Avoidants Don’t Want You To Call A Situationship Dating

Many avoidants get visibly angry when you are in a situationship and you call it dating or a relationship, even accidentally.  They can even breakup with someone because the person keeps referring to the situationship as dating or a relationship.

You are technically dating if you text regularly, are going out on dates, hanging out at each other’s house, going on trips, and doing the things people dating do, but in an avoidant’s mind, you are doing “dating” or “relationship” stuff, but you’re not dating or in a relationship. And if you ask what you are, say labeling it is not that important, or that they don’t see how calling it boyfriend/girlfriend, exclusive or a relationship would make it any different from what you are already doing.

In addition to the fact that avoidants have a fear of intimacy, getting too close and fear of commitment, and a situationship allows them to be in a “relationship arrangement” without risking too much, there are other reasons why avoidants don’t want to label what you are doing as dating or a relationship.

1) They fear that it’ll change things

Avoidants who are happy with what you have and are already doing fear that a label will change things. You may start expecting or asking for more, or start acting entitled to their space and time, and all they lose their freedom. Labels also require a level of commitment an avoidant is not ready for and/or doesn’t want.

2) It’s an alternative to being alone

The see the situationship as an alternative to being alone and don’t think it fits any of the dating labels. For example an avoidant in the process of divorce, is at the age where they’re only interested in companionship and meaningful connections or any other situation where they could leave town or country anytime, for long periods of time or permanently.

3) They’re keeping their options open

Avoidants with a lot of good options often want to keep those options for as long as possible. Because the “rules” of a situationship aren’t as clear as ones or a relationship, they can meet someone else and start talking/seeing them and say, “I’m not dating John/Mary, we’re just hanging out/friends with benefits. They don’t consider it a relationship and also don’t consider it “cheating” because you are not officially in a relationship.

4) They don’t see the situationship becoming more

They’ve already made the decision that they don’t want anything more than the arrangement you currently have, or does see what you have being long-term. They like you, enjoy your company and may even have feelings for you, but not strong enough to want to make things long-tern. They may have one foot out of the door waiting for that “something” or “someone” that’ll fully push them out of the door.

The difference between an avoidant who is content with how things are and doesn’t want them to change by giving it a label and an avoidant who doesn’t see the situationship becoming more is:

1) An avoidant who doesn’t want them to change by giving it a label will be focused mostly on labels, and may not even want it to call it a situationship. An avoidant who doesn’t see the situationship becoming more will insist it’s a situationship and will flip out when you try to point out that it’s more than a situationship.

2) An avoidant who is afraid that labeling things or trying to define what you have will change things says mostly what they like about you and what you have. They may not want to talk about what you are or have a conversation about making the situationship more, but they make it a habit to tell you how much you mean to them.

An avoidant who doesn’t see the situationship becoming more will not want to talk about what you are, and when you have a disagreement they will say, “this is why I don’t want to date you/a relationship with you”. They make it seem like it’s your fault that you are in a situationship instead of a relationship.  To be fair, they often have a point. Anxiously attached don’t make it easy to love them. Their preoccupation with a relationship always find a way to make everything feel like a crisis or “project” to work on.

3) An avoidant who has made the decision that they don’t want anything more that a situationship will be seeing other people just in case you decide to leave because you want more, and they’re not willing to give you want you want. But they’re also not read to let you go and/or are afraid of being the one to end things.

In my experience with clients in different kinds of situationships, the problem is not often whether to call it dating or not, label things or not, or even whether two people care for each other and probably even love each other, the problem is honesty and communication. Both being honest to the other person and being honest with oneself, and communicating openly about how the situationship is evolving.

This may be controversial and will probably trigger some people, but there is such a thing as a happy situationship. My advice to my clients in on-going situationships is what it comes to is are you happy? If a relationship that’s defined and has a label and exclusivity is what makes you feel loved, less anxious and happy, there is nothing wrong with saying situationships are not for me. Nobody is obligated to stick with someone until they figure it out if they want to be with you or not.

But if you are happy with everything else except for the label, decide if having label on the relationship is more important for you to risk what you have. If what you have is more important than a label, rather than focusing on labeling the situationship and what you could be, focus on:

• Are you happy with what you have?
• Are you both on the same page about it being a situationship?
• Will you be okay if you don’t label it?
• Do you have clear boundaries to protect you in the situationship?

Keep in mind that an avoidant who is happy with the way things are, can keep the situationship going for 2, 5, 10 or more years without giving it a label, so it’s really up to you to decide what it is you want, short term and long term.

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Avoidant Situationship Dynamic: Intentional or Convenience

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