Why Avoidant Exes Only Respond To Some Of Your Texts

You may have noticed that your avoidant ex only responds to some of your texts and ignores others or replies days later when you thought they’d ignored your text. Like most, you assume that because your avoidant ex is responding to only some texts, they must not want contact and you’re just bothering them. It even feels rude and disrespectful because you wouldn’t ignore their text, in fact you’d drop everything and respond immediately.

There are several reasons why avoidants in general only respond to some texts and ignores others and I discuss them further down the article.

1. You’re bothering them

If you’re double to triple texting your avoidant ex, you’re likely bothering them and an avoidant is responding just to be nice.

2. They’re not interested

If you’re texting back and forth and your avoidant ex responds to only some texts and ignores others, either the topic doesn’t interest them or makes them uncomfortable.

3. They’re uncomfortable or triggered

If you’re chatting and your avoidant ex suddenly drops the conversation when you ask a question, they likely felt uncomfortable with the question or were triggered and needed to distance.

4. They got distracted

If you’re chatting and your avoidant ex suddenly drops the conversation but reaches out a few hours or days later (or you wait and reach out a few days later and they respond immediately), they were likely distracted or suddenly felt they had enough contact or connection.

5. They’re spacing contact

If you reach out every few days and your avoidant ex takes days to respond, but when they respond they’re engaged and it’s like no time passed at all, they’re intentionally or sub-consciously spacing contact.

6. They’re testing you

If in the past you complained about your avoidant ex not responding in time, not responding to some texts or ignoring your questions, or if you’ve been telling your avoidant ex that you’re working on yourself or have shown that some of your behaviours have changed, there’s high chance that your avoidant ex is testing you to see if you’ve indeed changed.

7. They’re avoiding getting too close

If there’s momentum, things are picking up, your avoidants may be responding to only some texts to control closeness so things move at a pace they’re comfortable with. Dismissive avoidants especially militarily control how close others can get.

Whatever the reason for why an avoidant ex responds to some texts and not others, one thing that is consistent is that avoidants don’t need or want contact and connection the way an anxious person needs it. You can argue that it’s rude and disrespectful to ignore someone when they text you, and you’re absolutely right, but so is trying to force someone to be who they’re not or getting angry that they don’t want something as much as you do.

What I’m saying is don’t let your anxiety about when, how and what an avoidant responds get in the way. If your avoidant ex didn’t want contact, the easiest thing for them to do is to tell you to stop reaching out or ignore your texts completely. But the fact that an avoidant is responding to some texts means they want contact.

If you have worked so hard to get things to where there is momentum and your avoidant ex is showing interest and even making an effort to make things work, don’t lose all that momentum or even make things worse because you’re investing too much energy and obsessing about when your avoidant ex responds, how they respond or what they respond to.

Watch how your ex engages or re-engages after pulling away for a while because that will tell you whether they are just being the avoidant that they are, or whether these are signs that your avoidant ex is moving on or has moved on.

And if you catch yourself having an anxious reaction to an avoidant ex only responding to some of texts, for example:

• Worrying that you will never hear from your ex again.
• Wanting to apologize for what you think (but don’t know) is the reason  your ex hasn’t responded.
• Trying to fix what was wrong with the old relationship
• Reaching out to your ex for support when you should be reaching out to your friends or family
• Doing too much to show your ex how much you love and care about them

Instead of following through on anxious instincts, don’t rush to do anything before you’re sure your “gut feeling” is intuition and not your anxiety playing tricks on you. Take your time to observe your thoughts (and thinking), how you feel and what you’re hoping to achieve with your actions.

Once you’re sure that it’s not your anxiety playing tricks on you, set boundaries with an avoidant who takes too long to respond.

RELATED:

Guide: How to Increase Engagement with Your Avoidant Ex

How Do You Know If A Fearful Avoidant Ex Is Testing You?

Do Dismissive Avoidant Exes Test You? (And How?)

How Do I Give My Avoidant Ex Space? (And How Much Space)

Why A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Ignores Texts (What to Do)