Why Avoidant Ex Says “You Deserve Better” (Best Response)

When anxiously attached and fearful avoidants say “you deserve better”, they honestly believe that you deserve better than them. Because of their attachment trauma, deep down they believe that they’re not good enough and as a result you will abandon them and/or replace them with someone more attractive or compatible. They may even say “You deserve better” with the hope that you will reassure them that there is no one out there that you could be more attracted to or more compatible with than them.  But when dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants leaning avoidant or dismissive say “You deserve better” or ““I can’t give you what you deserve” :

1. It’s an attempt or effort to push you away

What they’re saying is, you should try to find someone who can meet your needs or and make you happy because I’m nit that person. A dismissive avoidant is hoping that you will realize that there is no point in trying to work on the relationship and leave, and they’ll not have to go through the process of breaking up with you or telling you that they don’t want to get back together.

2. They think it’ll make you feel better about the breakup

Dismissive avoidants are pretty direct and often come across as cold and heartless, and dismiss avoidants know this about themselves. “You deserve better” is their way of trying to make you feel better about the breakup. If you leave feeling that you deserve better, you will feel better about yourself, the breakup won’t feel so bad and you will not see them as a “bad person.

3. They’re giving you a way out

An avoidant could be going through something personal like depression or problem outside of the relationship and feel that it’s unfair to you that what they’re going though is getting in the way of the relationship, and saying “you deserve better” as a way of letting you know that they understand if it’s too much for you, and you want to leave them.

4. Their way of saying “I’m sorry”

If an avoidant says “you deserve better” but does not deactivate or break up with you, “you deserve better” is an apology-sort off. They’re acknowledge that they’re not treating you the way you deserve. The could have simply said “I’m sorry” but for an avoidant that would be too much vulnerability, and may even create expectations that they’re going to admit to things you’ve accused them of doing. “You deserve better” is their way of admitting their shortcomings without personalizing them.

5. It’s a sign they’re processing the breakup

When an avoidants says “you deserved better” after the breakup, it is a sign an avoidant is processing or has processed the breakup. Relationships are a source of stress  for to many avoidants, the end of the relationship means no more stress, and with no more stress, an avoidant can more clearly see an ex’s positive qualities and what they bring into their life. Saying “you deserved better” is more than an apology, it’s also appreciation for how you treated them. Alone however, it doesn’t mean an avoidant wants to give a relationship another chance.

6. It’s a non-binding promise to do better

“You deserve better” is sometimes a dismissive avoidant’s way of saying, “I will try to do better by you”. It is intent to do better or do right but without making any promises or guarantees that they will. This dismissive avoidant’s affinity for non-binding promises is a result of an aversion to being depended on. They don’t make specific promises especially about the future because they don’t want you to have expectations.

What an avoidant says after they say you deserve better will tell you if they’re pushing you away or nicely letting you go. The best response to being let go nicely with “you deserve better” is “You are right. I deserve better. We are not each others “the one”, so it’s best we go our separate ways. I wish you all the best.

No need to take it personally and get all emotionally worked up over something that’s a part of life. Rejection is not a reflection of your worth or value, it’s just one person’s subjective opinion of you.

But if an avoidant saying you deserve better is their way of giving you an out, an apology for how they treated you or a non-binding promise to do better, and you still want a relationship with them, “You are right. I deserve better” is not the best response. An avoidant who is trying to apologize or wants to make it up to you will think, “Well, I tried. Still wasn’t enough. Never is.”

Look at this as an opportunity maybe even an avoidant breakthrough. An avoidant is finally acknowledging that you deserve to be treated better than you have been treated or are currently being treated, so have a conversation about how they think you deserve to be treated. You can say, “Thank you for saying that. We both deserve better. I’m open to having a conversation about how we can be better for each other, if you are. I know on my part I can do better. What do you think?”

Word it your own way, the message should however come across as clearly as possible, as assertive as can be, in few words and not too emotional or confrontational for an avoidant.

Once you learn to keep an open mind on everything others say or do, avoidant or not, it shifts your perspective and opens up valuable opportunities for connection and growth, and new ways of strengthening your relationship.

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Why Avoidants Come Back After A Rebound (Love Or An Option?)

Does Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex Even Care About You?

Why Dismissive Avoidants Push You Away (What to Do)