Why An Avoidant Ex Pulls Away After An Argument (STOP IT)

Considering that how we deal with conflict is baked in our attachment style, it’s tempting to conclude that because individuals with an anxious attachment are often not aware when they’re engaging in active conflict behaviours or enflaming an argument, they’ll always create the very experience they’re trying to avoid, that is, push an avoidant ex away. It’s also tempting to conclude that because avoidants avoid disagreements or arguments, pull away or shut down when there’s conflict, issues that need to be addressed will never be addressed and the dynamics fueling conflicts can never be resolved – and there is no point in trying to get back together.

Arguments, fights and even some drama is an unavoidable part of trying to get back together with an ex. Both of you are in “self-protection” mode because neither person wants to go through the same relationship again or get hurt again. But just because you have arguments, fights and even some drama doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

The conflict de-escalation strategies I’m going to give you will help you avoid unnecessary and avoidable conflict, recover from an avoidant shutdown and make an avoidant ex pull away less after a disagreement. This will increase your chances of getting them back.

1) Recognize your triggers and state-shift

Learn to recognize when an avoidant’s words or actions are starting to trigger you and don’t take the bait or allow your emotions to “run the show”. When you’re both triggered and emotionally charged, no one hears what the other is really saying.

Triggers often distorts what’s really happening and reinforce beliefs that are corrupted by past traumas and are problematic. To identify what is triggering you, pay attention to what is generating strong emotions or what reminds you of past situations, experiences, events or traumas and try to bring your attention back to the present, what is happening now.

This is called state-shifting which is consciously shifting your energy out of your triggered state to re-establish control of what your brain is doing in autopilot mode. Train yourself to do this as quickly as possible, so that you can respond appropriately to triggering situations

2) Avoid inflammatory language and words

I hear from my clients all the time “I was calm and didn’t raise my voice” or “I was polite the whole time” and they don’t understand why an avoidant ex got angrier and pulled away. Then when we dig deeper into what happened, they begin to see why despite them being calm and polite the conflict escalated instead of de-escalating.

Words, language and attitude play a critical role in whether a conflict escalates or de-escalates. Fearful avoidants are especially sensitive to “blaming” language and dismissive avoidants to boundary violation (including projections and assumptions about what they think or feel). In addition to being calm and polite, try to avoid language that may be seen as criticism, confrontational, emotionally charged, hostile or accusatory. Language that’s simple, direct and taking ownership of (only) your role in the conflict has a better chance of de-escalation than condescending, accusatory and victim playing language.

3) Understand and validate your ex’s perspective/point of view

When a conflict starts, what an angry avoidant ex wants is for “it to stop”, but what they need more is to feel like they’re understood and/or their perspective is taken into consideration.

Most avoidants don’t feel confident to express their emotions without feeling judged, weak or ridiculed for them. This is why most would rather withdraw in silence. So whether you agree or not with your ex’s perspective and how they feel, try to understand where they’re coming from. Your ex may have a different understanding view of the issue or the events leading to the argument, fight or conflict but that is their reality, try to understand it.

Feeling heard and understood helps avoidants people feel respected, supported, and safe – and calms them down. The way to do this as someone with an anxious attachment who tends to project and make assumptions about what others think and feel (something  that triggers and angers most avoidants) is step back from the argument and ask yourself if you are genuinely trying to understand where the other person is coming from or if you are projecting, assuming or trying to give your “correct” version of events. If you really think about it, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, conflict escalation hurts both of you in the end.

4) Sincerely apologize (right away)

If you can catch yourself actively engaging in conflict and can stop yourself, apologize right away. Recent research suggests that whether a conflict escalates or de-escalates depends on who generates the conflict topic. The conflict has a better chance of de-escalating if the person who generates the conflict topic does the de-escalating.

An apology that includes the words “IF I said/acted/offended/hurt you” is not an apology. It’s a passive aggressive way of suggesting that the hurt may have not happened or that someone is exaggerating their feelings about it. It’s a fake apology the same as “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry, BUT…”

A sincere apology takes full responsibility and often de-escalates the situation. A fake apology makes someone angrier and resentful. Most people won’t want to talk to you again because if feels like you don’t think you hurt them and are grudgingly apologizing .

If things escalate so quicky and an apology is not likely to be heard, received or wanted because an avoidant is angry, wait a few days or a week to apologize.

5) Respect an avoidant’s boundary

When a conflict escalates, what an avoidant ex wants is for “it to stop”. The way they “make it stop” is shut down, walk away, stop responding or ask for no contact. Not a healthy way to deal with conflict, but it’s an avoidant’s way of de-escalating, self-regulating and drawing a self-care boundary.

Individuals with an anxious attachment are typically boundary violators and may not recognize an avoidant’s boundary or respect it. They’ll keep contacting an avoidant who has said “do not contact me” because anxious attachment type 1) can’t self-regulate (or self-care) and looking for reassurance and 2) think it’ll show an avoidant how much they love and care about them. When something goes wrong in the relationship, people with an anxious attachment need and seek more closeness. They want reassurance that an angry avoidant still cares about them is not pulling away or abandoning them; and there is nothing wrong with needing reassurance. Where people with an anxious attachment go wrong is making assumptions about how an avoidant feels based on how they feel. This often ends up backfiring.

When an avoidant is frustrated, emotionally overwhelmed or angry, they don’t care if you love or care about them. At this point, an avoidant is probably already shutting down and deactivating and telling them how much you love and care about them is like saying “I want us to get close”.

Respect that they don’t want to talk anymore and stop trying to talk. And if they say they want no contact, stop trying to contact them. Wanting to talk about things after an avoidant ex has indicated they don’t want to talk, has shutdown, pulled away or deactivated even if you’re seeking understanding feels to an avoidant like continuing or escalating the conflict. They’re trying to self-care and manage their feelings about the argument but you just keep triggering them.

A securely attached person will recognize that an avoidant has maxed their emotional bandwidth and respect their self-care boundary. They may send a text acknowledging their role in the conflict, apologize and communicate respect for an avoidant’s need to self-care. They trust that when avoidant is ready they’ll re-engage, and will give an avoidant a reasonable amount of time before concluding an avoidant has likely completely detached and wants permanent no contact.

6) Communicate with respect and understanding

Both of you deserve respect and consideration. When bringing up something that confuses, concerns or bothers you, describe how you feel about it rather than what you think the other person is doing wrong or did wrong. Let your ex know how their words or actions effect you and let them on their own figure out or decide how they’re going to respond.

Don’t try to make them see things your way, instead communicate your confusion or concern in ways that are respectful and show understanding and thoughtfulness, and most of all, do not project make assumptions about what an avoidant thinks or how they feel. This is a major trigger for most avoidant exes especially if there is a history of you making assumptions about what they think or feel.

If you and your ex are from different cultural backgrounds, it’s always important to think carefully before approaching your ex to resolve a conflict and before making demands when competing interests are involved.

In addition to your ex’s attachment style, the difference cultures can affect how often two people argue, fight or handle conflict. Some cultures nurture and encourage a confrontational approach especially in situations with competing interests, and other cultures prefer a non-confrontational approach.

People who use a confrontational approach may come across to someone who prefers a non-confrontational approach as angry, emotional, too aggressive, wanting to fight or even energized by the conflict. On the other hand, people who use a non-confrontational approach may come across to someone used to a confrontational approach as evasive, trying to avoid the conflict, cold and cowardly.

As someone who was raised with a non-confrontational approach to conflict resolution and have lived much of my adult life in a culture that encourages a confrontational approach, I find that both approaches have a time and place. Sometimes one works better and other times the other works better.

7) Regulate your emotional state by yourself

There is no right or wrong way to feel, only the right or wrong way to respond or react. Sometimes the right response is a little emotional and physical distance especially when emotional temperatures are high both sides. This can help both parties ‘cool down”, gain some perspective and recommit to making the relationship work.

Learning to self-regulate your emotions on your own is especially important for individuals with an anxious attachment style. Instead of trying to find healthier ways to stop feeling anxious, worried, afraid, rejected and abandoned on your own, you keep trying to beg or force an avoidant to talk/communicate or feel the need to “tell an avoidant off” – only to regret it later when you’ve had time “to think”.

My working model is 3 – 4 days for a trivial conflicts and up to 10 days for a more intense conflict. Too much emotional and physical distance hurts rather than helps the relationship especially because of avoidants’ emotional detaching tendencies.

8) Don’t take everything personally

What I’ve found over the years is that at the root of many arguments, fights and conflicts between exes is lack of trust. So many things happened during the relationship, during the break-up and after the break-up that eroded trust. In addition, many people with an anxious attachment, fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants tend to view their ex’s words and actions as “not to be trusted” and often interpret text messages, emails, social media stories etc., through these lenses.

Sometimes exes with an anxious attachment see hostility or withdrawal and start an argument or fight when there is no hostility or withdrawal, just an ex trying to cope with the break-up the best way they know how to, or living their life with no malice or ill intentions. My role as their coach is to try to make them see that there may be another way to look at an ex’s words and actions, and to understand them better.

It’s hard to take the leap from someone hurting you to complete trust, even naïve to do so. But it really helps not to take everything your ex says or does personally. This is how you slowly begin to trust them again, avoid the unnecessary arguments, fights and drama and stop an avoidant ex from pulling away after an argument.

9) Let go and get out of your own way

People with an anxious attachment feel the need to “set the record straight” or give “the correct version of events”, and there is nothing wrong with trying to put things into context, but if going back to specific issues or fights that “started everything” becomes an obsession you risk escalating an argument or conflict.

Always remember that what you feel is based on your perceptions (and you’re entitled to it) but it’s not necessarily an objective reflection of the facts. Often times, what “started everything” isn’t as important as “how do I move forward?”.

Let go of trying to “set the record straight” or give “the correct version of events” and focus your time and energy on making sure the argument, fight or conflict doesn’t make an avoidant ex pull away or even ruin your chances of getting back together.

10) Know when to walk away

I agree with people who say avoidants need to work on themselves too, this is certainly helpful, but I’ve also seen cases where an anxious person working on their active conflict engagement behaviours helps de-escalate conflict.

Try learning positive conflict resolution strategies before demanding that an avoidant change. If after working on you own conflict style, conflicts still continue just the same or get worse, walk away. Even if an avoidant says they want to change but make no effort to change, love yourself enough to walk away. Sometimes no amount of love or empathy can save a relationship – but you don’t know that if you haven’t tried everything within your power and control to save it.

As Thich Nhat Hanh in “How to Love” put it: “Your good intentions are not enough; you have to be artful. We may be filled with goodwill; we may be motivated by the desire to make the other person happy, but out of our clumsiness, we make them unhappy.”

Can an avoidant recover from a shut down after an argument or fight?

Yes, avoidants can recover from most shut downs or deactivations resulting from an argument or fight, BUT it depends on an avoidant’s overall satisfaction with the relationship, the reason or topic that generated the argument/conflict and shutdown, the strength or depth of the shut down and if an avoidant has other options they might want to pursue instead.

If you need help with recovering from an avoidant shut down after an argument or fight, I’m happy to discuss the details of your situation and advice what to do.

RELATED:

Do Avoidants Apologize and What Makes Them Apologize?

Why Dismissive Avoidants Push Away People Who Love Them

Avoidant Ex Will Re-engange After Conflict If Repair Feels Safe